Posts Tagged ‘Aubrey is crazy’

Making the Band 4: It’s Dark and Lonely

September 5, 2008

Sure, there isn’t any drama of actually making a band, there aren’t any wild producers like Seven, Diddy has not coined any new phrases like “Bitchassness”, but this is still a damn entertaining show.  Let’s start with Aubrey.  Puff is getting them ready for tour when he notices that the young, slim tender thang that used to look like this:

Now looks like a collagen puffed, fake J’d, fake Jenna Jameson pre-Milf.

How did she choose that dress?  Did she ask for something that only covers her nipples as little as possible?  The lips, the cheeks, the overdone eyes, it ain’t right.  She even arugued that she is old enough to make her own decision when she said she was twenty hrrrrrmmmmmmm years old.  I mean she got halfway through that argument and just swallowed the backend of that declaration.  She did not want to drop that age in front of the cameras.  By the way, next time she’s thinking about shit you shouldn’t do in front of the camera, she needs to keep this on the list.

Aaaaaaaaaaah!  Look I know the cameras follow you all the time, but damn.  The bathroom has got to be a safe zone, right?  Take a brush and some lip gloss back there with you.  You know what, I actually like babes without much make up, Aubrey O’Day version 1 could have pulled the straight out of the shower look off, but vamped up Aubrey needs a little extra help.  And no Aubrey, we don’t want to hear about how you need to go somewhere where you will be appreciated because, you might not know it, but that place is not the music industry.  When Diddy said it gets dark and lonely, he means he will kick your ass to the curb and tell everyone in the industry to leave your ass alone.  When was the last time you saw Da Band?  Exactly.  It is easier to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq than it is to find that cat Fred.  There is a place where you could be appreciated though.  That would be the porn industry with your girl Jenna.  I’d buy it watch it for free on the internet.

Moving on, let’s talk about Donnie.  First of all, I don’t care how many 12 year old girls made him the “people’s choice” at the end of MTB4 Season 1..which was like two years ago by the way.  Donnie is not about to have the #1 record next week.  First of all Diddy played him by exposing him as a non-dancing, barely singing white dude.  That’s not making me drop $12 at Best Buy.  Second of all, his last name is Klang.  That’s terrible.  So Diddy tells him that we doesn’t want him to move like a White dude.  So what does he do to help him out?

Hire a white dude.  Nice.  I prefer Laurie Anne’s Boom Cack Cack to this dude’s “act like you gonna hit it real hard, then be like naaaaah that’s all I got right there.”  This guy looks like the Fourth Beastie Boy…after they stopped rapping.

I need a break from the terrible.  Let’s go to Dawn.

God bless whoever gave her those pink shorts because once again Dawn was KILLING EM.  I mean good lawd.  She had the sweat on the lower back when she was done working too…doesn’t get any better than that.  That Que workout plan is real.  She is really what you’ve always wanted Kelly Rowland to give you although she never could.  By the way, while I was watching the show one of the people in the room said “Why do they all dance like strippers?”.  I said “The song is called “striptease”.  She responded, “but they always dance like strippers”.  Touche.

Que, what’s her secret?

I know, I know.  A gentleman never tells.  By the way, if you want to kill the gay rumors, you might want to lose the juice boxes.  After the age of 14 you are no longer allowed to drink anything out of a bitch ass bendy straw.  That includes juice boxes, Capri Sun, all that.   The straw in grown man drinks is a stirrer, not an instrument for consuming the beverage.  Got it?  Thanks.

Speaking of rampant bitchassness, that brings us to Brian vs. Laurie Anne.  Sisqo 2.0 didn’t like being picked on (little man/Napoleon syndrome) so he finally blew up on Laurie Anne because she was actually calling him out for constantly f’ing up.  This is one of those practice how you play situations.  Brian thinks he can turn it on for the big show, but Laurie Anne knows he’s wrong.  So Brian blows up.  Walks out.  Yells at his boys, makes Que think he’s about to go back to working at McDonald’s (funniest moment of the night) and starts crying when he starts talking about how hard he works.

Then he breaks down when Laurie Anne comes back in to give him a hug.  Bitchassness is still alive.

-Brock




MTB4: Do you have ‘bitchassness’ in you?

February 5, 2008

WOW, again Diddy delivers a solid episode replete with highs and lows on the music tip and staged eerrrr real life human drama between the different Bands. Oh and he coined a new term: Bitchassness, but we’ll get to that later.

Incidentally, can we get a name for the guy’s band? I’m tired of saying Willie ‘n Dem. Oh hell, someone just hit me up saying the name of the group is “Day26.” Umm, I don’t get or like it, but whatever.

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Now before we get into the episode, we’ll have a part of this post I’ll call, What the fuck is Aubrey talking about?

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Last week it was that ridiculous talk about “do you understand who you’re riding with, this is Danity Fucking Kane” and “I got out with my friends and they take pictures of my boobs”… Come on player. Anyway, this week in “what the fuck is Aubrey talking about” is in regard to her assessment of Robert:

“Like, I think he’s so talented and all but his ego is like his problem. I saw that he was out of control and like, he just doesn’t know who he is yet.”

Now, of course, everything she said was true, but we don’t need that from her. Again, baby, you’re not hot. You’re an entertainment geriatric at 25 years of age with plastic lips and large balloons stapled to your chest piece.

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You shouldn’t be talking about ANYBODY. Though she does not look bad there. Ha.. I can’t lie.

Anyway, I found the rest of the show to be pretty entertaining:

1. Puff calls out Robert’s Bitchassness:

Look anybody who has watched the show for a while understands that Robert is crazy talented. I’d say that homey has the best voice even. But best voice doesn’t necessarily mean you get all the shine or that all the songs will be right for you to take the lead. Homey just needs to play his position and be cool. Now, we know MTV can hit you with the ill editing to make it look like you’re fucking up in the booth while talking hella shit, but that’s exactly what we saw.

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Robert failing to come through, then turning around and talking like a disgruntled woman. I don’t want to hear that shit. Just be cool, sing the songs, fall back when necessary and start actually coming through with the goods in the booth.

But that’s not what homey was doing and eventually, the fellow band mates essentially caused a mutiny. What was hilarious about it was that the cat who acted like he didn’t want to say anything, Brian, is the exact cat who went ahead and dimed Robert out to Puff. I mean, they just did Robert wrong. Showed him no respect at all:

Diddy: Why do yall sound so bad? Is there a problem within the group?

Brian: Yeah, I’ve got a problem with Robert, we all do.

Robert: Why didn’t yall come to me with this?

Willie: Every time I deal with you dog, you be on some real ego trip shit.

Robert: Dog, my feelings are just hurt (mistake).

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Puff: Robert, you not the leader of the fucking group

Rob: Blink blink, sob sob

Puff: You aint the lead singer of the fuckin group!

Dude, that was ill. And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Robert or any more embarrassing, then Puff got the rock, pushed the muthafucka out on the break and dunked on Robert before he could establish position.

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Dude, it was ill:

Diddy: There’s a very contagious disease that’s in our community of Bitchassness.

Robert: (still reeling and downright speechless at the disloyalty from the fellas)

Diddy: Do you have some bitchassness in you?

Robert: (No response, but this picture gave all the response that was necessary)

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Puff: No real talk. DO YOU?! (and he really squared him up on that uncle who is allowed to lay hands on you level)

Rob: Nah

Diddy: Because I saw some bitchassness in you by the way you handled shit with your girl. (Argh, that shit reminded me of that “don’t be pussy whipped, whip that pussy, bang, bang, bang” speech Dude’s Pops gave Eddie Murphy in Boomerang..et tu Puff-ay?)

Diddy: There will be no bitchassness at Bad Boy!

Then Diddy walked out as he was literally laughing and so was I.

Lordy.. I mean, where do I begin. Oh yeah, isn’t this the same shit I said back in the day with regard to his girl June? I mean, for real. This cat just let ole girl speak any ole way to him while homey was stepping out of the group and just generally acting bitchy. I told homey then to lose that chick as she was nothing but trouble. Then I went into Lakey PI mode and unearthed some pictures of her to try and understand why in the hizzell he’d ever let a chick punk him like that on national tv.

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Uh huh…

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Ok, I see it a lil bit. Baby girl is ok, especially for a middle tier ’round the way girl, but he had to know that her rhetoric was punishable by death as far as that relationship goes. I mean, you’re about to be a star and you’re letting ole girl pop off like dat?

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Hells no. Diddy saw it, Lakey saw it…hell, you know the bandmates saw it. It’s like ole boy told Eddie Kane, Jr. when Baby Doll rushed in on them, “Eddie, you aint got your woman in check?” Rob, the cat is out of the bag and unfortunately, the cat is YOU. Get your mind right homey and “make that change.”

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Seriously, go watch “The Mack” or check out how Ike Turner used to run things. Something, anything, but you gonna have to do better, son.

And that little run-in you had with “D. Woods” (Why?) wasn’t much better, either.

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I mean, damn kid. If you and June weren’t together anymore and the myspace wasn’t a big deal, don’t get mad, just play it cool. Instead you tried to lash out and really live up to those “you’re just a drama king” words that June hit you with during season one. Anyway, you went from possibly getting with D. Woods to her throwing you the now outlawed NFL slasher sign also known as the international symbol for “loser, say no more.”

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Damn, ugly. Don’t argue with them, just placate, pimpulate like John Brown from the White Rapper Show and make em wait like my man Richie McDay says in the BK, alright?

2. Qwanell continues to earn masculinity points

Hey, I must say, Q showed me some more progress tonight and I’m happy to report it. I don’t know, there’s just something new about this cat.

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I guess what we’re really seeing is a young cat who is finally growing up. Dude just has a different swagger all together. I’m not sure if it was staged or not, but homey was laying his game down quite flat with Dawn. I mean, homey had her on the ropes. I especially liked how he told her that “women love my look” and “yes, I’d say I’m a ladies man.” Then he promptly followed that up with an appropriate compliment for Dawn. Very nice.

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I guess those lessons at the Lake School of Pimpology up there in Rochester paid off, huh? Anyway, he’s not out of the “might be gay woods yet,” for that he’d have to knock off Dawn, leave her and then re-up with a badder chick, but it’s a step in the right direction. Q, I’m definitely feeling you right now (no homo). Keep at it, son.

3. The Church foolishness at the end

After all kinds of wildness throughout the episode, the Bands needed to go to Church to wash those sins away. Aubrey had her hand in the air like she was a 43 year old black woman from Macon, GA givin’ praise, only she had her “earthly flesh” dutifully exposed and a sarcastic grin upon her enhanced grill piece. Donnie played the roll of the white dude who had never been to a holy rollin’ black Church. Standard rhetoric from him, “It just had so much energy and it was good to be a part of ‘that’.” Let me translate that for you guys, “What the fuck was that?” Come on now, you know Donnie is Catholic and you know he has never seen anything like that, least of all that damn funky chicken dance Q did when he “caught the spirit.” Yeah, that dance was like if you took the Alpha train and the A-Town Stomp smashed them together in a most unholy union and then just pushed double fast forward on your dvr. It was wild.

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Let me ask yall spirit catchers a question, why is it that the spirit gets caught in some churches and not others? What about speaking in tongues? Why is that only limited to a few spots? I can’t figure it out. I know, I know, I just need to come to know Him like Q, Robert, Aubrey and Big Mike. One day.

– Lake