Posts Tagged ‘2008 Olympics’

Sexy Olympian of the Day: Lolo Jones

August 26, 2008

That’s right, it is time for another post with theme music.  Feel free to watch the video, but this isn’t all about the music.

This is about Lolo Jones.  First of all, I just love the name.

She also runs the hurdles. So she’s unusually in shape and flexible.  Sure, she had to gold wrapped up until the 90m when she clipped that hurdle, but Lolo, I want to know you are still all good with me.  Once you’ve recovered, call your boy Brock and I’ll help you work on through the pain.  Of course we’ll keep it on the lo lo.

Anyone not down with Lolo Jones?  Check this out.

Yeah.  Let me tell you, I don’t need anymore than that right there.  Angle 2?

Like Rick James said in my all time favorite song, Fire and Desire it was paaaaaaain be. fore. pleasuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrre.  She’s giving the eyes right there.

You can’t complete the analysis without street clothes.  Now this looks like the kind of girl who makes all gear look like athletic gear.  But that thigh work is impressive.  I’d like to see some jeans here, but I’ll take it.  I don’t know why she’s getting her Beastmaster on with that squirrel, but I’ll let it slide.

As a parting shot, just to go with the theme music.

Next thing you know, shawty got lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo.

Shout to H8torade…I’d hit it.

-Brock.

Man Up Monday: Olympic Recap

August 25, 2008

While I didn’t stay up until 2:30am EST (although I guess the start time of that game could have made some sense on the west coast) when Espana had it at four at the two and a half minute mark, I thought Man Up Monday was about to be for the “Redeem Team” and all of USA Basketball.

Then the Black Mamba took over.  (Did he give himself that nickname?  Seriously, where did that come from?)  It does answer my question of whether Kobe can switch on him dominance like a switch  The answer is apparently yes.  That three at the three minute mark with nothing but a jab step from twenty something feet was craaaaazy.  I do like how they just call him “Mamba” now.  Which is not only a deadly snake, but also a delicious candy.  Chew, Chew, Chew chew Mamba!

This time I’ve got a whole bunch of man up moments.  The first goes to German Sprinter Tobais Unger.  Check out this bitchin’ and moanin’.

Unger voiced his complaints about the Jamaican sprinter to BILD sport, saying: “Bolt didn’t even warm up for the semi final. He showed up in shorts and jogging shoes, did his pickups and practice starts, put on his spikes and then ran the 100m in 9.92 seconds.

“Bolt ran a time of 9.8 seconds in May and again at the end of September. He showed no tiredness during training,” an annoyed Unger added.

“They do whatever they want on their island. Nothing happens to them. I’m the only one here at the Olympics who is registering with the doping controllers.”

Bolt apparently didn’t even know how to fill out the doping forms. The American sprinters’ coaches actually laughed when they heard about German doping controls.

Unger, who was cut in the semi-finals, threatened to quit: “I just don’t have the desire anymore.”

And by, “I don’t have the desire anymore”, he means, “I can’t beat any of these people and get into the finals”.  Come on Tobias, we’ve already established that the melanin challenged can’t make the finals of the 100m dash.  Give it up.

Oh, and Usain Bolt just called Us Versus Them HQ with a message for you.  Here’s where you can take that shit.

I also need whoever decides which sports make the Olympic games to man up.  After swimming ended it all went downhill from there.  I was looking for Olympic Hoops and ended up catching…uhhhh Mountain Biking.  This shit was crazy.  It looked like someone ran some tape around some trees and had cats just ride around in the woods.  Up a hill, down a hill around a corner, not enough room to pass each other.  Stupid.  Not to mention the fact that X Games BMX biking in a half pipe makes the cut now too.  How about Badminton?  Why?  Handball?  Seriously, where is that popular?  If you going to do that, why can’t Jai Alai get in there?

That guy wants a gold medal too.  He’s got a helmet and a hook thingy attached on his arm.  He’s a badass.  What about football?  (and the first asshole that points out that the Olympics has “Futbol” gets kicked in the teeth)  Let’s get Ultimate Fighting in there too.  They’ve already got wrestling, boxing, and tae kwon do in there, why not kick it up and drop em in the Octagon?  Anderson Silva needs a gold medal too.  Oh and China, I don’t want to hear about how you “won” the Olympics either.  You won on table tennis, air rifle and the aforementioned badminton.  Just stop.

Oh and a final man up to this dude.

Yes I’m talking about the guy on the right.  My man Matos did not like that disqualification, ok?

So all of the above.  MAN UP!

-Brock

UvT Olympics Update

August 19, 2008

I don’t know if my Tivo ain’t hittin’ right, or if there really isn’t anything on anywhere else in the world other than these Olympics on NBC, but ever since Michael Phelps and gymnastics ended, the Olympics aren’t giving me much anymore.  Honestly, I was in a sports bar this weekend getting my fantasy football on, and we ended up with Olympic trampoline (why is that a sport?) and rowing (ditto).  So here’s a quick recap.

First of all it did me proud to see Cullen Jones in the water in the swimming competition.  Sure, the kid almost drowned when he was 5, but he fought against nature to become a gold medal winning swimmer.  It meant a lot to me, especially since the last time I saw a brother in an Olympic pool, this is how it went down.

Now see, that is why brothers don’t swim right there.  Sure, he was representing Equatorial Guinea but somehow that still ain’t right.  He must be the only brother who can swim at all in E.G.  I need to get my Equatorial Guinea citizenship tight so I can go on ahead and get into those 2012 London games.

Next, you all know Brock loves the gymnasties.  She may have busted her ass and lost the gold, but she wins the UvT gold medal for actually looking like a grown woman during the gymnastics competition.

Holla if you hear me girl.  I know, I know, Be On It, she’s not that good looking.  At least she’s not a Blonde, right?  She’s just the best available.  Her body is just in shape.

You gotta love a chick who goes for the reverse crease.  She doesn’t even go with the traditional ass crease, she goes ahead and drops it in the front.  Hilarious.  Look, the lady even looks reasonable in street clothes.

You know what though.  None of that makes her UvT quality.  Okay, some of that does.  But here is what really tipped the scales.

Daaaaamn.  I know old boy didn’t want to go out like that.  But that is what you get for letting a girl, hell letting anyone, who can probably do handstand pushups hit you square in the jaw.  My man dropped like a pile of bricks.  He can’t be that tall if Alicia was looking him dead in the eye.  That is that big, small man problem there.  Trying to be tough.  Now 788,000 people saw him get knocked out cold.  Great.

You know, now Olympic recap is complete without the men of the Olympics.  The ladies of UvT, have been clamoring for it.  Threatening a boycott.  Invoking Title IX.  Hating on Amanda Cicchini.  So we did the right thing.  We took a closer look at the Olympics, trying to find out what the ladies like.  What is that?  I mean I know I like tight tails and thick thighs.  Do the ladies like skrong arms?  Broad shoulders?  Hey, I don’t want to get too deep into our research techniques.  So here’s a little something for the ladies.  These guys are strong, dressed in tight gear.  Willing to show it all off.  Some of the greatest Olympians ever.

Olympic Super heavyweight wrestlers.  Enjoy ladies.  Don’t say I never did anything for you.

Ha!

-Brock

Man Up Monday: Tyson Gay

August 18, 2008

The Olympics are more than halfway over.  USA is still up in the medal count(although the Chinese would probably like to point out the fact they have more Gold medals – ignoring the fact that 16 of their total medals are in Badminton and Shooting).  You know America has been pushing their Olympic heroes in advertising for months now.  Michael Phelps certainly worked out, but several Olympic athletes did not.  Starting with the Hamm brothers in Gymnastics, both went down with injury at the last second.  The US Gymnastics team got the Silver in the team competition (due to the still mysteriously sexy Alicia Sacramone.  More on her tomorrow.)  But not since the Dan and Dave debacle of 1992 has an Olympic athlete flamed out like this.

Tyson Gay was America’s best hope for capturing the title of “World’s Fastest Man”.  He was even on the cover of the Olympic Games video game.  (Madden Curse, getting stronger?  Brett, watch your back!)  Let’s ignore the fact that every other meet he has to walk around with the word “gay” pinned to his unitard…not the most intimidating presence on the track I’d say, but hey what can he do?

Anyway, Tyson Gay pulled up at the Olympic trials a few months ago with a bad hammy.  Luckily he had already qualified for the 100 meter dash so he still got to go to the Olympics.

See, this is for all of the people who believe we should send our “stars” no matter what happens to them in the trials.  I say if they are supposed to win, they are supposed to win the trials too.  So Tyson shows up and makes it through the prelims, but doesn’t even get to the finals.  He didn’t even make the finals.  Daaaaamn Homey.  You used to be the Maaaaaan Homey!  I knew it too.

Look at my man’s face.  All my track people out there know his face is too tight.  I mean he looks like he is trying to get rid of Michael Phelps’ daily dietHe’s making that face Mike Epps made in “All about the Benjamins” when he was making fun of the old dude.  Seben-fittay.  You cna’t win when you are straining it out like that.  How does one of our national heroes get beat before he even gets to the finals.  You know America, we’d rather not show up than get beat on the track.

The real problem…it wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  Usain Bolt DESTROYED the field.  Can you find Usain Bolt in this picture?

Don’t look over by the runners in the picture.  Look waaaaaay over there to the right after the finish line.  I had to go wide screen on it he won by so much.  I mean Bolt is damn near putting his warmups back on and eating his post race snack before the rest of the “greatest athletes in the world” even cross the finish line.  And he ran a 9.69.  And he started clowing and high-stepping like Deion Sanders at the 80 meter mark.  And he rocked the carzy point it out pose before the race.

These pics are so crazy.

Is this guy playing a video game?  I guess that 6’5″ really matters in this sport.  I hope the dude doesn’t go all Ben Johnson on us because this is amazing.  By the way, two quick questions.  Are genetics really so strong that there isn’t a single individual of Nordic and/or European, Eastern Bloc descent that can even get near the semi-finals of this race?  I mean there are no melanin challenged individuals in the arena when this race goes down.  Do the brothers have it on lock like this?  I don’t like to perpetuate stereotypes, (yeah, right) but damn.  Also, when did the Jamaican’s corner the market on fast?  Three Jamacians in the mens and the womens finals in the 100.  That is crazy for such a small country.  Tell the bobsled team to step their game up.

Tyson Gay…Man Up!

-Brock

———–UPDATE—————

Tyson.  Carl Lewis called.  Even he said you need to man up.  That’s.  Not.  Good.

I’m just sayin’.

Bush is an International Playa

August 13, 2008

Is George Bush every going to leave the Olympics?  I know he’s basically a lame duck going into the November elections, but didn’t Russia just invade Georgia this week?  Even Condi Rice came off of vacay to try to help out.  Is anyone still putting $4 gas into their car?  Is he just hanging out with the people who lent us all the money to fund our war?  Anyway, Bush is still kicking it at the Olympics which means…more photo ops.  This guy is priceless.

First up.  Everyone is pissed that Oliver Stone’s new movie portray’s Bush as a wild frat boy.  He really does not deserve that reputation.

Way to throw em up George.  You’re like a rock and roll Uncle Sam.  Nice belt with the metal tips too.

I call this the “Holla at cha boy” picture.  Ol Gee Dub either is looking for a hug, or just scored a touchdown. By the way, this shot of Misty May just gave her 2 extra points in the Assology log.  She might end up as official UvT quality yet.  Her crease work is skrong.

Here’s the second pic in the “holla” series.  This one is more up close and personal.  He’s like “you know I’m a cowboy, Right?  Frum Texyus and ev-verythang.  I’d ride you like a little buckin’ bronco young lady.

Finally, I call this the “my Dad is an idiot” picture.

I don’t know what Dubya is doing, but it is clear Barbara is not feeling it.  She looks like she would rather be drinking with Jenna than sitting in the Olympics.

-Brock

It’s Little Thick Chick Season…I Mean Time For Women’s Gymnastics!

July 29, 2008

The Olympics are coming.  I’ve already covered the soon to be big story on doping. In fact we should start a UvT pool to lay money down on which sport will see the first illegal substance abuser.  Track & Field and Cycling are even money.  Weightlifting?  Boxing?  Wrestling?  Archery?  We’re not here to talk about that though.  We’re here to talk about the one sport where this is reasonable.

What is a sport really about when whatever that chick is doing scores you points?  I’ll tell you what though, that calf and thigh are right.  On the list of “porn before the internet”, Womens gymnastics is right between the aforementioned “Kiana Tom Flex Appeal” and trying to make heads or tails (literally) out of the scrambled porn channel.  So ladies, if you are ready to show em what cha working wit…raise your hands.

Well then lets carry on…and I see you on the far right.

Gymnasts let you know the ass piece is just another muscle.  It can be developed.  Sure, these little ladies look a little skrong in competition…no hips, shoulders a bit too wide for comfort, but their are just laying the foundation down for the future.  Don’t believe me?

Fine, let’s go old school.  Dominique Dawes.  Here’s Atlanta 1996.

A little on the slim side, but I appreciate the flexibility.  Here she is now.

See?  She filled out nicely.

Fine, another example.  Betty Okino.  I mean she was in the olympics in what? 88 and 92?

Sure, her abs are about as diesel as the j’s here…but once again, you gotta project the future…you gotta have that eye.

Bam.  She’s bad.  Still not convinced?  Angle 2?

She’s still got the abs.  You feeling me now?  Oh and as an added bonus?  She can stil do this.

That might be the first upside down triple tuck™.

Betty, holla at your boy Brock if you’re out there.

-Brock

———UPDATE————

When I was writing this last night, something wasn’t right.  When I was driving into Us Versus Them HQ, something wasn’t right.  Then Will pinpointed it for me in the comments…

 

These chicks are too young.  Look, my boys know, I like a fresh faced pretty young thang, but they gotta be legal.  I’m from the ATL, but I’m not cool with statutory being set at 16 years old in that state…I’m not a “old enough to bleed, old enough for me dude” (worst phrase ever), I’m no Humbert Humbert, no Mark Chmura, you feel me?

Then I realized, the Olympics are like leap year.  There is a four year gap, and a lot of things change in four years.  I’m talking about 1988, 1992, and 1996 where checking the tail piece of a 16 to 18 year old chick was cool.  It’s 2008.  My perspective is all off.  I’m much younger in leap years than I am in real years…does that make it cool?  Nah, it doesn’t.  I guess it is Beach Volleyball and swimming for me in 2008.

There.  I feel better.  Betty Okino is still bad though.

-Brock

Misty May Treanor: UvT Quality?

June 12, 2008

Since my post on the 2008 Beijing Olympics, cats in the forums have been calling me out to take a closer look at Misty May Treanor, who is apparently a fixture in beach volleyball.

Look, I don’t know who Rachel is, and I also don’t know why the uniform for beach volleyball is “half butt ass naked” but she makes a strong case for adding beach volleyball into the rotation.  So I look for this chick Misty May Treanor, and I have to say I’m not immediately impressed.  Then I find this:

Wellll, now I’m ready to see what’s going on here.  Let’s start with the photoshopped up Maxim shot.

Cute girl.  You can tell it is photoshopped because the tail piece above has no remote proportional relationship to the slimmed out thighs you see here.  Look, if you are driving over a hill, you can tell if it is about to drop off.  Same principle here.  I know there is a mountain beyond them there hills and all I see is valley.  I expect to at least see some foothills or rolling meadows.

The stills don’t really do her justice.  Maybe I’ve got to see her in motion.

What the hell?  Misty May is the Chad Johnson of beach volleyball?  Who knew?  Fine, I’ll hold judgment until after I see what she is able to lay down in Beijing.  Let’s be clear though, she’s gotta come to take the belt to be declared UvT Quality.  The tie will not go to the runner here.

-Brock

Doping Watch: 2008 China Olympics

June 5, 2008

The Olympic games start on 08/08/08 (marketing genius…that’s sarcasm) and that means it is time for people to pretend to care about national pride as a bunch of “amateurs” get to represent the country in international competition.

Now with the games taking place halfway around the world, that means that we will all know the results long before NBC elects to televise anything…but the summer Olympics also mean it’s doping time!  You know there are athletes “cycling down” from the roids right now.  If the Balco boys were still around there would be some clear, some cream, and by now they’d probably have some the rub, the balm, the paste and the salve getting people cranked up for competition.

So let’s crank up the Us Versus Them odds machine to predict which sport is going to produce the first dopes up athlete.

Weightlifting:  The guys are just too obvious, right?  But what about the chicks?  Have you seen these ladies?

Come on man.  Those babes are on that stuff.  First of all, why does it look like the little chick is lifting the same amount of weight as the big chick.  That ain’t right.

Olympic cycling

Yup, after Roid Landis, you know the cycling team is looking for an edge.  They are definitely on the watch list.

Gymnastics: Yeaaaaaaah, probably not.  Check out the Hamm midgets.

Have you ever heard these guys talk?  They sound like Alvin and the damn chipmunks.  These two are on watch all right, but it isn’t for dope.

We all know where the real action is.  On the track.

Sometimes it runs in the family.  Here’s what to watch for.  If one of these grown ass men has braces, they might be on that stuff.  If they drag the field by three lengths like Big Brown…they might be on that stuff.  If their first name is Maurice and their last name is Greene…they might be on that stuff.

My bad Mo, that was a cheap shot.

Here’s the best thing.  They media and the athletes are already rolling out the fact that the Chinese use steroids on their cattle.  Sure, blame it on the food.

First the supplements, now the food.  Get ready America, someone is going down.

-Brock