Archive for the ‘Weird Science’ Category

Somebody’s Gonna Catch an Ass Whoopin!

May 8, 2008

Damn. Have you ever been whooping somebody’s ass, and thought…”I could really be whooping so much more ass right now?” Well, we’ve got the product for you.

Pepper Knuckles?!?!?!? With the tagline, “To Protect and Hurt”? Daaaaaaaaaaamn. Let’s see. Pepper spray is designed to immobilize your attacker so you can get away. A little element of surprise, a little searing pain and you can go on your merry little way. I’ve even seen pepper spray with dye in it so the green faced asshole can be found later.

But with Pepper Knuckles, after your assailant is rolling on the ground clutching his eyes you can administer a vicious beatdown so that they never do that shit again. If you are being attacked and are safe to get away, but go back to whoop some ass…is that still assault? I’m thinking probably.

What’s next? The Chainsaw gun from Gears of War?

So you can shoot a cat then saw off their leg?

How about a Taser baseball bat combo?

Don’t tase me bro! bzzzzzt…ieeeeeeeeeaaaah, aaaaaaaaaahhhh Now, don’t beat me bro!

Damn, I don’t want to run into one of these in a dark alley.


You Can’t Buy Swagger

April 28, 2008

Or maybe you can. Damn, what does Swagger smell like?

We know that Diddy is always talking about swagger. If he uses Proactive to “preserve his sexy and moisturize his situation. Maybe he uses this to protect his swagger.

Diddy’s former manservant, Fonzworth Bentley, wrote a book about swagger.

But as far as I know, he still doesn’t have any either. So maybe he can get a case of this stuff and actually Advance his Swagger.

My favorite part of all this? The product being on the market means that there is some young brother, or Lake style nilla in the marketing department of Old Spice that sold this name through to a room full of old white people. What was that meeting like?

Young Dude: Let’s call the new scent “Swagger”

Brand Manager: What does that mean?

Young Dude: It’s like…being cool, confident, knowing you’ve got it all together.

Brand Manager: Yes. Yes, that’s it. We want people to be cool with their friends and cool in their armpits. I like it! Cool, confident…that’s the old spice way. Let’s do it.

Fellas, it doesn’t translate here. While I’m at it, you also can’t sell a sparkly body wash as “bling” scented, or your next body spray as “fo’ shizzle”. I know your 50 year old brand needs a new market, but this ain’t it. Someone please tell me what this stuff smells like. How do you put swagger in a bottle?


Someone Need a Mascot?

April 17, 2008

Japanese TV is great. Honestly , I don’t know the common thread to whatever turns them on, but it is consistently great. Ninja Warrior, crazy ass game shows, tentacle porn, hey I can’t call it.

This right here is pretty hot though.

I don’t know what yokemeidashundelaschwieke means. But, I’m using that joint from now on. It takes him a long ass time to get ready, but he commits once he is ready to go.


This is Crazy…

April 3, 2008

Look.  I don’t know why this dude is playing two guitars.  I don’t know who built that little holding thingy that allows him to do it.  I don’t know why his momma picked out those terrible ass drapes.  I do know that this shit is hot.

Man I used to kill Tetris on the old Game Boy.  I’m talking about level 20 playing on pure instinct, space shuttle takes off when you finish type skills.  I stayed in the zone.  But wait, this isn’t all the Zack Kim has in the arsenal.  Check this out.

Are you kidding me?  That is clean as hell.

Okay.  I confes.  I was going to stop there.  But you really have to see this.

Seriously.  This dude is some kind of musical genius right?  He even did that wild honking horn in the middle of it.  Honestly, I didn’t even know you could make some of those sounds on a guitar.  No one teached you how to do that.  This kid is sick.


Lake is Already On His Way to the Barbershop

April 1, 2008

I tried not to let him see this, but it was already too late. Apparently, the hairstylists of Korea have figured out a way to make normally super-straight Asian hair turn into an afro. Peep this.


Apparently no one has figured out how to give a shape up yet. Any brother who has ever rocked an afro knows that the post pick-out “pat down” is the most crucial step.

Don’t think this dude is the only one. Check this:


This dude looks like he might have gotten tricked into this. He thought he as going to get the Super Saiyan and ended up with the SuperFly. That look in his eyes is like, “This is some bullshit, Ilardo

Don’t worry ladies, they can hook you up too…


She’s keeping it real right here. Looks like some old Lauryn Hill, first album type stuff here. Real bohemian.

Lake is going to want one of those any day now. In fact, he’ll probably try to grow it out long and make me cut my shit into a gumby so we can look like a fake Kid n Play.


He can stop that dream right now.



Quietly I’ve always had a secret desire to hook up a legitimate white man jheri curl and now I can really do it. And no, one of those terrible Weird Al Yankovic/Don Imus specials won’t cut it. I need the real deal.


Now all I gotta do is strap on my cleanest and meanest Bape butter gear, hitch a bird to Japan, get this fro procedure and then presto… I’m Deion, I’m MJ (yes, that MJ), I’m Lando Calrissian (meaning, a pretty muthafucker who aint good for shit, just how I like it), hell, I’m Pedro Martinez!!!! Now that would be HOT!


Sheeyut, I’m already out of control. Can you imagine it? Lake with a legitimate curl? I’m already a complete and utter asshole on the edge of getting my tail kicked erryday, but this would just put me over the top. Lakey the King on steroids. All this love afforded a top shelf white cat like myself with an optional curl for kicks? Shoot, as soon as I get activated, I’ll be like Kanye on fools, “were you saying somfin, uh uhh, you can’t tell me nothin‘.”


My only issue is whether I should get the dry or wet curl. I’d love to tell you that I’d keep it gangster with my Ice Cube inspired mane, but I’m just not sure I can mess up my $5,700 Lynx coat my nilla… And no I’m NOT sure if that pic above with the brother spraying himself with that wild can was the best idea given the ethnic composition of our staff here at UvT. Maybe I’ll call in sick tomorrow..AGAIN until things cool down. Fuck it, just with the possibility of a curl, I’m 150% more gangster than I used to be, I’ll be alright.  I may be pretty, but I aint no punk.


Besides, being a cool white cat that’s close to the culture has it’s risks, but I already took the red pill. Can’t turn back now.

– Lake

Thugs Rejoice: Bulletproof In Ya White Tee

March 26, 2008

Those Japanese streets must be gangster because they’ve got the undercover body armor game on lock. They just invented some new polymer and weaved it together to look like a slightly shady white tee shirt.


So it isn’t fashionable, but if someone tries to stab you it won’t work. That’s gotta be worth something right? Can Fiddy Cent look hard in this? How if they make them in XXXL, all the homies in the streets will get ’em.


I hate the White Tee though. Get rid of the White Tee. Ban the White Tee. The White Tee has never done anything good for anyone. Except you Lake, you’re cool.

By the way, if you don’t get that joke, you’re probably not one of Us…You’re one of Them.


Hey Ladies! Party at Our House…

March 26, 2008

We’ve got a new toy in the UvT office. We already throw the wild parties, and someone finally invented something to make it official.


Oh yeah, we’ve got that Chandelier trapeze. Keep em swinging from the rafters.


Okay, so it is more swing than lamp. The execution isn’t too elegant. Still, it’s hot though. You know the sexy ladies are invited. Big girls, it will hold you too. Hell, you can even bring your moms.


Tell her to upgrade that gear though.


UPS: Everything is all Right

December 15, 2007

UPS announced that it was able to cut costs by changing the way their trucks drove their routes. Sound like a complicated issue with teams of engineers working out algorithms for years? Nah, they solved the problem by only making right turns at intersections. By not waiting at lights idling until traffic clears they were able to save three million gallons of gas and cut 28 million miles out of their delivery routes. Whoever came up with that better get a hot Christmas bonus. They save nine million in gas alone.

Their next big idea is to paint all the trucks so they look really fast too.


I heard the geniuses at Nascar are thinking about changing the direction that all the racecars go around the track in order to make Nascar “go green”.


Ricky Bobby wants to turn right, and Ricky Bobby ain’t a thinker, Ricky Bobby is a driver.

Their 2008 slogan is “Car Racin’ is awwwlllllright”. Hey fellas, changing left turns to right turns on a track isn’t going to work in your case.  Trust me.


Bullies Need to Step Their Game Up

November 4, 2007

We all know technology constantly shifts the way we live, and every once in a while something comes along that changes the game. The wedgie has been rendered obsolete by two eight year olds who have invented break away wedgie proof underwear.


They say necessity is the mother of invention, so how many wedgies does it take to make an eight year old break out the velcro and sewing kit?


I mean damn, these kids must have been catching hell. Like this kid, he thought it was all fun and games until he got dragged over the arm of the couch.


Seems like he’ll be making an investment in those new draws as soon as they are available.

Bullies will have to fall back to indian burns, wet willies, charlie horses and purple nurples.



Here are the kids with their product:

The way these kids throw I can definitely see why they were getting bullied.  Hilarious how that cat on the right just admits he is underwear free…I guess going commando is better than catching a wedgie, but there probably needs to be further refined.

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream…exactly the same.

October 15, 2007

So I guess there is an inside joke in the sound design industry (the outside joke is that these cats were probably in the AV Club at your high school and were all tremendous dorks) that they like to sneak into movies.

The funny thing is, subconsciously that is exactly what I expect it to sound like when someone falls from something high. In fact, I’d be disappointed if it didn’t. For example:

As good as it was that the caller hit you with that “uh oh”, how much better would that have been if my man had hit you with “uhhhhaaaahhhhhhuh” on his way down. It just isn’t the same. It looks like his head hit that floor pretty crisply though. I appreciate the fact that “he’s up” rapidly became the standard for his health too. I guess you gotta be ready for the unexpected in showbiz.