Archive for the ‘Thick white women’ Category

International Thickness: Cristiano Ronaldo’s Lady is SICK

July 1, 2008

I spend plenty of time looking around the internet at different things.  At this point, I feel like looking at all these chicks all the time, I’ve gotten a warped sense of beauty.  So warped that, let’s face it, I actually tricked myself into thinking that Angel Lola Luv’s gelly ass could possibly be real.  Still, every now and again you see a babe that just blows the roof off your expectations.  It’s not wonder she came in the form of Cristiano Ronaldo’s girlfriend, Nereida Gallardo.


Uhhhh, hello!  Dammit, how does this happen?  I mean, how does a babe get so slim-thick like this?  Dammit, let me get that angle two:

Yikes!  You know a babe is bad when even her “rolls” and creases look magically deliciious.  Look at that meaty midsection.  Goodness.  But how are the backs treating us?

Hello!  That’s right like a JJ Redick three ball from the corner.  My goodness.  And of course there’s more:

Man, all you can do is envy this cat.  I mean, he’s literally got it all.  He’s wanted by every chick in the world.  His current lady is bad as shit and he’ll just continue to re-up with the newer, younger version of her as they become of age year after year.  No wonder he’s content to put it all in our faces:

Go ahead Cris.  I don’t blame you for flicking us off.  I’d be pissed too if the general public interrupted my quiet enjoyment of this babe.  Wait, I gotta ask again, are yall seeing her farging J game? No…well here are those Nereida Gallardo NOT SAFE FOR WORK shots Here, here, here and here…and trust me, they are STUPENDOUS!!! Goodness.

Are You Gellin’? The Kardashian Arse Debate Rages On

June 12, 2008

If you’re a loyal reader of UvT you know there has been a crazy debate about Kim K’s ass in the comments section.

A self described and admitted ass geller (lol) “Zsa Zsa Cookie” told us that she knows Kardashian’s ass is not real. She further alleges that Kardashian’s dumper is filled up with the same substance, ass-a-licious love gel, that she put into her very own ass to give herself that synthetic thunder.

I shit you not. And then, she commanded me to google that “Hydrogel Butt Injections” to prove her point. Well, sheeeit, as a committed life long learner, you know her will I did obey and what I learnt astonished me. WOW.. There really is some wild chick flying around the country, selling bagged up ass to the highest bidder! What is this, some kind of bastardized Robin Hood, rob from the lab, give to the needy stripper? And it appears that dat ass is selling like HOE CAKES!!! Dude, I’m like my boy Will from the comments, if the ass gel is so good and so effective in the fight against negative arse-ness, why doesn’t everyone have it? Or do they?

Right and that’s when you start to feel those walls closing in on you. I mean, could you have been hittin gel for all these years and not even know it? If you were running your hands through Barbaro Mane for the better part of your adult life, why not?

Just as an aside, don’t you love how they make the broad so miserable in the “before” pic? I mean, she aint got no lip chap, is in desperate need of Proactiv and from the looks of it just got popped for trying to lift condoms from her local 7-11. I mean, basically they give you a mug shot, right? Then it’s weave time and everything changes. Suddenly our convicted felon has the custom fit and feel of Aubrey from Making the Band. And yes, I’ll resist expounding on Aubrey….this time.

Yo, I’m here to say that I can’t tell you if Kimmy K’s ass is gellin’ like magellean, ok? Lola Luv’s neither.

What I can tell you is that they’re both banging like a benzy and just like Mario Winans, I don’t wanna know. I mean, if you’re gellin, keep it on the lo.

Dude, let’s just try to put that crazy Angel Lola Luv arse into perspective.

I mean, it’s just hilarious to actually think for a microsecond that such an ass could even possibly be “real”. I mean, come on. Has ANYONE seen a body like that? Fine, I’ve seen asses that big, but they’re attached to a regulation sized lower back, a skrong thigh and study calf. I mean, could her shit be any more out of proportion?

I just don’t have that kind of expertise, but the ladies in the comments sections, some that have first ass errr hand knowledge of today’s technology, swear up and down that her ass (and Kimmy K’s) is as phony as a $3 bill.

Man, I hate this shit. It’s like when I first learned that chicks had weaves. Dude, literally, I really didn’t know and I aint been right since! I mean, you can’t trust anything these days. Double D breass-tah-sis have to be looked upon with suspicion, sub prime mortgage backed securities got my 401k actin’ a bitch, Jello allegedly has swine hoof in it (that’s why it’s so good?), and Petro costs $5 a gallon!!! I can’t trust long silky hair without a background check and two witnesses from the hairdressers. 1 in 4 mufuckas in NYC have herpes and now ass aint even ass! Seriously, this is what you call Lake Arlington hell. Forget the culture wars, can a nilla get a honest and wholesome table dance?

Oh yes, it’s all fucked up.

– Lake

Misty May Treanor: UvT Quality?

June 12, 2008

Since my post on the 2008 Beijing Olympics, cats in the forums have been calling me out to take a closer look at Misty May Treanor, who is apparently a fixture in beach volleyball.

Look, I don’t know who Rachel is, and I also don’t know why the uniform for beach volleyball is “half butt ass naked” but she makes a strong case for adding beach volleyball into the rotation.  So I look for this chick Misty May Treanor, and I have to say I’m not immediately impressed.  Then I find this:

Wellll, now I’m ready to see what’s going on here.  Let’s start with the photoshopped up Maxim shot.

Cute girl.  You can tell it is photoshopped because the tail piece above has no remote proportional relationship to the slimmed out thighs you see here.  Look, if you are driving over a hill, you can tell if it is about to drop off.  Same principle here.  I know there is a mountain beyond them there hills and all I see is valley.  I expect to at least see some foothills or rolling meadows.

The stills don’t really do her justice.  Maybe I’ve got to see her in motion.

What the hell?  Misty May is the Chad Johnson of beach volleyball?  Who knew?  Fine, I’ll hold judgment until after I see what she is able to lay down in Beijing.  Let’s be clear though, she’s gotta come to take the belt to be declared UvT Quality.  The tie will not go to the runner here.


Reason #22 Why Fake Boobs Suck: XTina

June 3, 2008

Dead up, I hate the fake J game. I actually find it fairly insulting. The ONLY time a fake J upgrade is really appreciated is when a babe is rocking a sweater and even then they’re running around calling the real top shelf keeper of the superior J’s in question.

(And yes I did slap a Triple B inspired asterisk on this chick based on the comments section.  It really is just like steroids.  It’s cheating and I won’t stand for it!)

See what I mean? Just nasty.  I think baby girl needs an adjustment like a dude with a bad rug. Them tittays don’t match anymore. And this chick has a damn child. I know he’s even more pissed than me. Ok, ok, I’d be lying if I said they NEVER look good:

Dayum.. silky smooth and powerful like a Kobe Bean three ball. But see hers are all set up by the great midsection and nearly non-existent suit. I’m not sure about the rest of the fellas, but I break for the hip bone on the silky smooth stomach piece. I don’t know, maybe it’s just trashy babes who have always been trash are just going to be super trashy with the enhanced cans. I mean, it’s not like Aguilera was ever a high end babe.

She’s been going with the “look at me, my legs are open and I’m a slizzut” from the beginning. It’s pretty sad actually because she can really sing well. Oh well. If there is one thing I’ve learned over my years of running babes it’s that hoe-dom knows no profession, skill set or socio-economic class. I think it’s innate.


Ass B (like, “Yo I’m Cuban B”)? Ladies, if you’ve literally got nothing going for you and you just need a boost, enhance away. Just know that you add a minimum of 4 points to you skank score and yes, it’s a 10 point scale. If you’re a pretty girl, have a decent or even passable chest piece or bring that mini/medium/make me wonder level thunder, just smooth it out. You don’t need it.

I know, I know…I feel the same way about your plastics canz baby…it’s mutual.

– Lake

Ms. England Pageant Needs To Step It Up

April 7, 2008

I can admit that it’s in my nature to hate. That’s fine, but there’s really something wrong with the Ms. England competition.

Hey. I know what you’re thinking and I’m not trying to fuck with the already ridiculous body image of my lovely ladies, but somebody has to say something. But before I start up, let me just say that it aint just Ms. Surrey over there on the left that’s off key, because I think Ms. Plain Jane-shire on the right looks about as good as the chick that just sold me $4.11 gas and a single pack of fig newtons last night. Damn. And it’s not like these chicks aren’t trying to look good, they’re dipped in body and face paint to look their best. Is this the best this nation has to offer?

Are you serious? I do appreciate the cottage cheese avoiding low slung wrap piece, though. That at least let’s me know that she knows. Now we can safely assume that she’s not one of those “Yeah, AND?! I know I look good” type babes.

And I know that there are dudes out there that love the big girls (And they always say the same thing, “Did you see that ass?”), so I’m not hatin’. But come on. You just gotta know your limits. Ms. Surrey here, she clearly doesn’t know her limits.

I know, I know, she’s “really pretty”…right and why do women always say that about a babe who is bigger and just not ugly. But do you see that amorphous gut piece? That aint big and sexy… That aint, “I have a curves…I don’t look like a little boy,” another big girl on offense favorite. Wowzers, All I’m saying is to keep it tight within the genre. Like most plus sized models, they’re fairly tight within their genre.

And just to let yall know, it took me entirely too long to find a big girl who was tight “within her genre”.. I know they’re out there, but it was HARD, ok? I will say it takes a lot of balls to roll out like ole Ms. Surrey though. And who really choose that babe to represent Surrey to begin with?

I mean, if you’re going to go big girl pageant love, you gotta do it right. Come on now. I don’t see how she got that big to begin with, it’s not like there’s anything to eat over there anyway. The food is awful.

Incidentally, that’s not impressive either and she’s literally Ms. England. I can see the thickness mandate hasn’t made it across the pond yet. “USA, USA, USA…”

– Lake

Is Lindsay Lohan thick or not?

April 2, 2008

You probably remember that I referred to Lindsay Lohan as a “Thick White Woman” oh about three weeks back and immediately the boo birds came out complaining. Well, we huddled up in here at Castle Greyskull aka UvT headquarters, put it in the lab and came up with this finding:


After further review of dat azz and dem thighs, the call on the blog has been REVERSED as Ms. Lohan does NOT, I repeat, does NOT have the requisite thickness to be deemed a ‘Thick White Woman’ .


It’s ok Linds, I was shocked too. Here’s why you got dinged though:


Damn, now I know how Randy Jackson really feels when he gets that bad song choice or maybe just ok for him kind of effort.


Quite frankly, I expected better. But unfortunately, this type of side angle with the black tights never lies. For all the kids at home, drugs lie, this angle doesn’t. It simply tells the entire tragic story. See, with a standard issue thick, semi thick or even surprisingly strong chick, these wild leggings would truly set the party off with a bang and you’d see it starting at the middle calf. This shot just leaves us wondering “where the fuck it baybay and why didn’t she take her kids with her,” ya know? Intern, give me a blow up on Camera 2.


Yeah, oh, well, see that’s what I’m talking about. Sure, there’s a little punchiness there on the backflex, but that’s not enough thunder to get you to that next level. In fact, she’s not even making it precipitate here, while I’m looking for her to make it thunderstorm. And while the world needs sun, Lake needs fun, so this just aint gonna cut it. So it’s official, I renounce dat ass and relegate it to the land of pancakes, flapjacks and Rihanna on most days and nights.


Hard for me to admit it, but I still have high hopes for her better half. Oh yes, that’s right, on the same investigative inquiry, her breasts were found to be everything we and Dennis Green thought they were: Stupendous.


Thus, they’ll keep their rating of “Utterly Stupid” until she has to get them recertified in 12 weeks time.


Anyway, it’s settled now. You haters errr keen observers win this one. Lindsay’s arse does not warrant the “thick” moniker and will not be referred to as such no mo’. And just so we all understand, THIS is a thick white woman.


No need to lay it on too strong, but I just had to quickly illustrate the point. I’m still a Lindsay fan, but it’s getting harder and harder to call her UvT quality. I don’t know. She’s going to have to work hard for me in the balance of 2008. Summer is coming so I’m confident that she’ll lace me with some new top down chrome spinning joints or maybe a sex tape for my birthday? We’ll see.


Is Stokke Losing Her Thickness?

March 27, 2008

Is it just me or is Allison Stokke actually losing that thunder that made us all wonder last year?


Yeah, if she keeps this up, her desire to be “just left alone,” even though the chick has an agent and publicist (allegedly) will be granted. Terrible.

Now See This Is Why I Love Lindsay Lohan

March 27, 2008

Because even when she’s terrible (even I can admit that her face looks like a mask below), you can still find what you want.


Lordy… Those sunglasses may be smart but those breasts are stupid.  I know some of yall told me she wasn’t thick the last time I talked about it and maybe that’s true. But isn’t only partially true? I’m seeing plenty of thickness right chere.


I don’t k now about yall, well maybe it’s just me, but I start at the hip where that shirt ends and the tights start. Then I take it to the waist piece, then, well, that’s when that stellar waist to J ratio kicks in. I know, I know, her face looks about as off key as a Bulgarian Idol first rounder, believe me, I know.


Linds without “the look” in her eye.. I like it.

– Lake

Kim Kardashian Has A Website

March 19, 2008

I don’t mind plugging Kim Kardashian’s website (found HERE), I happen to like the girl.


Dude, she claims that she’s all natural. I don’t know if she is, but hot dammit, it sure looks legit. Kimmy K said that she was up in her draws en route to a party at the Playboy Mansion. Hey, less clothes to take off for that grotto one night stand errr next NSFW Playboy shoot.


Oh hell, it’s leather face O’Day from Danity Kane getting her advanced groupie on. I know, I know, Kim and this pussy cat dolls babe are you “girls.” Honestly, Aubrey doesn’t look half bad here. I guess that advice Diddy (and Lake) gave her concerning that one pound top layer of face make-up she regularly rocks had an impact. Aubrey, for the last time. Glamor with all kinds of big hair, 8 layers of make up and enhanced Js doesn’t make you more appealing. It makes you look 34. Just be cool baby and Kim, that side view on that stomach piece is looking suspect. Not sure about that wild clamp you got in your midsection, but lay off the liquor for a week.


Now we’re talking. Aubrey is finally making herself useful. Dude, that tuck on high just never gets old for me. Nor do those linked up Ray J still shots found right HERE.


Anyway, you gotta give Kim love for finding different outfits and different poses to show off that wild tail piece. Hey, people can say it’s fake, but I don’t think so. The public discovered that ass. It’s not like she was known, got the ass and then was upgraded. I say it’s real. Yall stop hatin on Kim’s Nature’s Plus arse piece. Whad it ever do to you? Now them Js…….


Ahh, I’m on the fence. Please note that someone out there has to have this body. I mean, all the parts, even when enhanced, are based on real life chicks. I’ve seen my fair share of physically freakishly amazing bodies. Anyway, I’m with Kim.

– Lake

Is Mariah Carey Bad?

March 11, 2008

Mariah Carey has a new album coming out and this is how she decided to promote it. A few weeks ago she let people know her breast implants were still in full effect.


Shirt tight, chain disappearing into the dark abyss of her cleavage, hands actually pulling the shirt OPEN. Real subtle Mariah. Wait, those aren’t implants you say? Please.

Well I guess that wasn’t moving spins on the radio because she went on and broke out the full monty with a well placed magazine and wine glass.


Well hold on a damn minute now. That is the stomach of a damn 22 year old. Hold on while I google something right quick…

..and I’m back. Mariah was born in March 1970, which means she is hitting 38 in a few weeks. What the hell? Now I know Mariah was not that tight a few years ago. I mean this picture looks candid, but does she have a personal photoshop paparazzo that follows her around? Well she needs to keep them around because she is looking great. Intern, can we dial up another angle?


Damn, it is tight over here too. Come on man, something ain’t right. Those lines are too clean. Is my mind playing tricks on me? Whatever is going on, Mariah is still out there working hard. I don’t know if it is in the gym, under the knife, or in the retouchers computer, but she’s working somewhere.



She’s bad alright, but it’s bad meaning bad not bad meaning good, ya dig? I can’t lie though, she’s kinda CrazySexyCougarlicious in that white blouse. I don’t know, there’s something about some large Js in a tight button down, it kind of trumps everything else for me. Man, Mariah really fucked herself up. I like Vision of Love Mariah.


That Mariah gave you everything you needed, but not too much. I don’t know, there’s just something about the fake J game that isn’t right. I mean, it’s literally like the steroid era in Major League Baseball, it’s just fucked up the UvT pastime. Hell, she aint been right since she made that remix with ODB. In fact, let’s go ahead and run that joint for kicks.

Don’t get me wrong, it was a hot song, but everything was down hill from there on out.

– Lake


Damn Lake.  Do we need to have a staff meeting?  First you give Mario a pass for banging out that video chick, now this.  Hey it was a question.  Mariah’s stomach is as tight as Beyonce’s in those pictures so I threw it on in the lab.  I don’t understand what is happening.  Show me that ass and I’ll tell you the real deal, but stomach and J game is your area of expertise.  The bottom line is this…is it real, or is it Mammorex?