Archive for the ‘The Ladies’ Category

J Game Done Changed: Fake or Real?

September 15, 2008

It’s the classic Us vs. Them topic.  The breast, that wonderful gift from the lawd that can provide joy, amusement or even a nutritious snack, depending on your point of view.  Anyway, we’ve officially come out against Fake Js many times.  Of course, like Sarah Palin’s bridge, we were for them before we were against them.

They’re bad for women because they’re unsafe.  They’re bad for dudes because they feel like shit, are often more nasty than sexy and somehow, even the hype ones, cheapen the chick

…and we can’t have that.  So we here at UvT headquarters want to separate the real from the fake, the high from the lo.

So we ask you.  Is she dead nice or fuckin with knifes?  Are they bad ass tits or better meant for the skrip? Did she get it from her mama or should we treat them like Osama?  You decide America (incidentally, aren’t you sick of people on those bullshit reality tv shows addressing “America” when it’s time for a vote?  Hey half talents, “America” can’t be addressed.  America isn’t a person, it’s a place.  Stop appealing to “America” with your bullshit, thx).  Yall let me know, were they made for Lake or stuck on with puddy and tape?

Our first contestant is Tanned up Fake JLo aka Dania Ramirez from Heroes.

Damn.  I’ll tell you this.  While it may be her natural skin color, I do believe this chick has the best tan I’ve ever seen in my entire life.  I mean, she’s just sun kissed and so are those tittay!  What say you?  Real Deal Holyfield or Fake for the Cake, burn them at the stake?  I know, I know, you need angle 2, don’t we all?

Whoooo wee.  That aerial view is a beast.  Let me tell you.  They may very well be fake, but this chick has MASTERED the art of accentuating the angle.  I mean, her internal side boob game was TIGHT on picture one.  Then she showed versatility when she put them J’s on dubbs!  I guess stuntin really is a habit.  I mean, them bamas are sittin on HIGH, waiting to be seen.  And I gotta say, from the neck to the collar bone, down to the heat, I’m a believer.  She’s really showing me something, fake titities or not!  Wide angle please.

Now, uhhhh, that’s an interesting outfit.  Hmmm, honey touched skin, office pants, red cummerbund strapped up with the full on J’s out.  I mean, really mixing that working woman with that working woman!!!! If you know what I mean. Anyway, it’s a close call.  At least for me.  I try not to think about it too much when we’re under triple D’s.  So we gotta put it to the people.  Fake or Real?

– Lake

==============Update==============

I went on a hunt to see if Dania Ramirez reached that fineness quoitent that apparently requires thickness for membership.  And quite frankly, it was hard.  I mean, it’s a chicken or egg situation.  Is it her gear that prevents thickness explooration or are those garments basically the proverbial haystack for that neddle that really just aint there.  Who knows, all I know is that I went with the “Lil Jon” approach to reporting and this is what I got.

“Bend ova to the flo’ touch your toes”

“garble-garble, garble garble, it’s low”

“Awwww, somethin, somethin, somethin, you scared, you scared”

“Now, back back back it up, YEAH, back back back it up”

“now stop, OH, and wiggie with it, AHNT, stop OH and wiggie wit it”

Now see, that’s some bullshit.  But that’s all you really get with this chick.  Let me just show everybody what we should be looking at to keep everything clean and above board.

Dammit, was I the only one who heard “BIA BIAAAAAAAA, why you actin’ like a, like a” when you saw that?  No?  Aww, F yall.  You best come on in and get with these here musical analogies.  Anyway, this is all she’s offering.

Only song I can think of is, what, the Sounds of Silence – Simon and Garfunkel, don’t hate.

Anyway, the Verdict Is In.

Resoundingly FAKE.

Very fake.  Thanks for playing, though.

The J Game is a Cruel, Cruel Game

September 11, 2008

Lindsay Lohan was lovely and Lake was loving it just two days ago.  Then we got hit with her skinny girlfriend Sam.  Now there are marriage rumors, and we get this pic off the wire.

Look, I’m usually a fan of side boob, under boob, hell almost any kind of boob, but Lindsay needs to start strapping up if she wants to preserve what the goot lawd hath-a blessed her with.  Maybe it is a bad angle, but that J is fighting against gravity with all it’s got right there.  We’ll keep a close watch on continuing developments.

In other J news.

Dammit Jessica.  You know better than that.  Microphone just a nestled all up in there.  Now I know why Tony Romo is always smiling.

This J game is dirty, so dirty.

-Brock

Example of the Elusive Zero Stomach

September 10, 2008

I’m in no way advocating this chick.  I don’t know her name, I don’t want to know.  I do, however, want to say that she possesses something that dudes talk about and enjoy, that elusive “zero stomach.”

And please don’t confuse the zero stomach with the meaty stomach or the concave stomach.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good meaty stomach that still holds it’s integrity ala Brit Brit from back in the day:

Hey, every dude likes what they like.  And I have plenty on my list.  But that zero stomach is definitely a nice touch.  Not a requirement by any stretch, but nice nonetheless.  Now my female friends tell me that in order to achieve it, all the stars must be in line:

1.  She must have the predisposed genetic make-up aka “gets it from her mama”

2.  If she’s over the age of 16, “zero” probably requires some form of starvation

3.  The monthly hormone gods must be on vacay

4.  What little weight she does gain, must go to another area of the body lest she looks anorexic

But honestly, I don’t really care about any of that.  All I care about is seeing it every now and again like a beautiful rare tropical bird.  Even better when it’s paired with some decent thickness elsewhere.  I was so pissed at the VMAs that I failed to mention that Rihanna was showing a nice set of zero-esque abs that night.

Very nice indeed.  And yes, this is the kind of stuff dudes just sit around and talk about.  Well, at least the dude I know.  And fellas, if you haven’t broken it down like this, get better, more detail oriented friends.  Life is far more fulfilling when you have all the pertinent information.

– Lake

Keeping it Simple: UvT Loves Lohan’s….Eyes

September 9, 2008

After that heart breaking post about those God awful VMAs, it touches my heart to show you all something I do like.  Lindsay Lohan.

The all natural woman is unbeatable.  And the best thing about the natural woman, you can dress her up in a bunch of different outfits and it’s like Christmas morning errytime.

Lindsay is great.

– Lake

—————–UPDATE——————-

The interns have been working all morning to bring the “hard evidence” the people demand on Lindsay.  Lindsay has tried a lot of things, posing nude, allegedly appearing in a sex tape, rehab, and now she’s one of them girls who likes them girls.

Here’s my question.  When you cross it over, why do you go for the chick who looks like a dude?  I never understand that.  You know my position on vegetarians eating soy hot dogs, this seems like the same thing.  And by the same thing I mean it ain’t right.  Look, I’m all for it, in fact the Lindsay Lohan lesbian sex tape might be an all time best seller.  I thing her lady is down for it.  She even checks her out like a dude.

First she checks the thickness…

Then she peeps the J game…

At least Samantha Ronson appreciates the same things we appreciate and isn’t talking about Lindsay’s “inner spirit” and “willingness to share herself”.  I don’t need that.

You know what?  I’m glad.  I don’t care what Lindsay’s motivation is, as long as she never goes back to looking like this:

That wasn’t good for anyone.  Oh, and as far as that hard evidence is concerned, Lake doesn’t have the sex tape (yet).  But here is the best we can do.

I have to be honest though.  That is not going to stop Lake.  In fact, I think we just made him worse.  Now instead of just thinking he can pull Lindsay, he now thinks the threesome is a full on possibility.

Bristol to Sarah Palin: “I Learned It By Watching YOU Mom”?

September 4, 2008

Who knows if Mrs. Palin is slaying more than “the good ole boys” (did anybody bother to tell her what party she’s in?) up in her little store front “City Hall” in Wasilla.

Look, my high school principal’s office looks more official than this shit.

All I know is that when someone holds themselves out as a “Champion of Moral Values” they’re usually not. I know, I know, she’s only mortal…right.  Of course, the moralizers always want to take that uppity high road (until people fuck up and then it’s all about “errybody makes mistakes” and “we’re all sinners”), talk all their shit about family values and the “good ole days of yore” when grandpappy and grandmama worked the land, said their prayers, refused to sit next to blacks errrr helped their neighbors and loved Amurica.   Sure.  Only, back in those days, grandpappy often had a family the next town over and grandmama was getting more than milk for the milkman, which is why your Uncle Jr. is the only one in the family to have red hair.  But that was the “greatest generation.”  Sure.  And it’s the same with this tabaccy spittin’, moose killin’, gun tottin’, unrecognizable accent havin’, Obama disparagin’, Tina Fey lookin’, ‘bridge to nowhere’ financial facts misrepresentin’, hair placed in several up positions rockin’, plane ebay sellin’, 4 errr 5 kids havin’, shotgun wedding endorsin’, Nature’s Valley Granola Bar kid namin’, running the point b-ballin’, not to mention yes yallin’ chick right here.

Awwww, who woulda thunk it.  A country girl, with a bad attitude, decent proportions (for 44) and kick ass reputation is under investigation for living out a real life “Somebody’s Sleeping In My Bed” scenario behind the back of her woefully less impressive Hubby.

And my man on the left doesn’t look too confident either. ha

Shoot, now I see how she got so cross-eyed, she’s over here trying to check out every Tom, Brick and Berry in town.  And I hate to say it, but it’s really freak 101 and anyone who has dealt with a freak and somehow gotten the history knows this to be true, but freak nasty runs in the family yall.  And if you don’t know, you better ax somebody.

Now we’re hearing that the fam was all up in arms when Bristol finally told them she was preggers.  I can imagine how that conversation went.

A true classic.  Not saying she banged out ole Not Mr. Palin either….I’m just saying, this is how she rolled in the 80’s.

And, no, I don’t think this is a photoshop.  ha

– Lake

Can You Find The “Family Values Hero”?

September 4, 2008

Here’s a little game we played today at UvT headquarters.

Can you find the Sarah Palin?  Hey, looking at the pic for the first time, I could only positively tell you that she wasn’t the black lady watching the action, otherwise, I was stumped.  But then I looked really hard, decided who looked most moral and it was easy as Amurican pie.  So tell me, is it:

1.  The Adam Morrison/Levi Johnston look-a-like?

2.  The semi thick thighed shorty rock with the spoon administered Peter Brady haircut?

3.  The chick delivering that forearm shiver across ole girl’s bosom, or

4.  The crotch shot babe getting her win on after an apparent loose ball scrum.

You tell me, which is my Conservative Hero and yours, Sarah Palin?

– Lake

Kate Moss is Golden

September 3, 2008

Back in the day I wasn’t really a Kate Moss dude.  The skinny chick didn’t do it for me.  In the mid-90’s vintage Anna Nicole was more my speed when it came to in vogue white models of the time.  (I’m talking Guess Jeans ad “Texas thick” Anna Nicole, not sloppy “Texas Rich” Anna Nicole.)

So Kate Moss has been made into the largest gold sculpture since sculptures in ancient Egypt.  It is called “Siren”.  Quite an honor.

The artist Mark Quinn said he wanted to capture the quintessential beauty of the moment.  Once again, I’m not really sure Kate Moss is that babe, but we’ll roll with it for the sake of argument.  Look at the close up.  Looks like a classy affair, right?  Wrong.

Is this dude serious?  He’s got Kate Moss in the reverse Hucklebuck like this some sort of porn show.  My bad, my bad, this is a “yoga position”.  Sure thing.  By the way, the camera man that chose this angle just earned a few perv points as well.  There hasn’t been anything this wild since the Britney Spears pregnant doggy style sculpture.

You know the messed up thing?  400 years from now, when all the hard drives have failed, all the disks are scratched, and all the data is long lost, this huge piece of gold will probably be the only evidence of today’s society.  We’ll all be skinny, expressionless practicers of the kama sutra.  That and the history of the Bush White House.  That legendary performance will be passed from generation to generation like a fable.  Great.

-Brock

Thick Never Goes Out Of Style

September 3, 2008

With all this political banter, I figured I needed to offer a bit of levity in the form of irrefutable thickness.  As such, here are those thick thighs of Ashanti, something we know for sure is good for America:

“Oh-oh say can you see”

“Ah-Ashanti’s thick thighs, what so proudly he nails.”

“And Oh Damn, she leaned back again.”

Ok, there you go.  Thickness that America can get behind.  And while we’re at it, we saw this today.

I’m not sure that’s something I could, well, get behind, but it’s definitely all American, gel ass and all.

– Lake

Republican Family Values: John Mac Chooses Ice Milf With Issues

September 2, 2008

Who knew so much could happen over such a short period of time. I’m a bit behind given my 5 day weekend and you’d essentially have to be living under a damn rock to have missed this, but to counter Barack Obama’s 38 Million Viewers on Thursday night, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Jeez.  Where do I start?  When I heard they picked the Governor from Alaska, I was pretty much shocked, then confused, then honestly, I just laughed. One thing I really appreciate about the Republicans is how disrespectful they are to those whom they claim to actually represent.  It’s not that they think Americans are stupid, they KNOW we are and continue to act like it.  In some weird way, I like that about them.  But even most of my Republican friends admitted to me that they didn’t see this Harriet Myers special 2.0 coming.  Sarah Palin?  The chick hasn’t been in the Governor’s mansion for more than 20 months and already she’s under investigation for trying to fire her sister’s ex hubby, but she’s “Ready To Lead Amurica with integrity”?  Puulease…  I mean, who’s running that campaign over there, the Tranny from I Want To Work For Diddy?

First, Barack Obama starts whipping your ass in the polls, so McCain and company put their thinking caps on and come up with the concept that he’s “too popular to lead.”

Perfect.  That makes sense.  A cat who is trying to gain in popularity so he can win an election is now getting criticized for being popular.  I completely get that.  Next they cook up this tasty VP choice which is one part Republican Family Values play, one part Hillary Femi-Nazi pandering.

Right, because those pro Hillary women aren’t going to get that Palin basically stands in stark opposition to each and every position Hillary Clinton holds.  Nah, they just care that she’s rolling with breasts and a vagina….Come on now, she’s Pro Igloo, Anti Abortion Rights, Anti Sex Education (even though her daughter takes more Nordic Dack than a female Moose in heat), Pro Winter, Anti Seal and Pro Gun!  How’s that going to motivate Hillary Democrats?  Oh no, I know, they think that men are suddenly going to forget that they’re sexist and vote for her because she’s got such solid Milf appeal, right?

(Maybe it’s just me, but something aint right about this chick in the eyes)

And hell no I’m not impressed that she was the second runner up in the “Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant” back in the 80’s.  She’s decent looking, no question, but did yall see who actually won the crown that year?

Let’s face it, it’s Alaska.  The standard aint that high.  Borat had tighter hoes back home than Carlos Boozer ever saw before he went to college.  Plus, the babes have to stay inside half the damn year.  Trust me, they aint just burning whale blubber and eating baby seal to keep warm, either.  Shoot, I knew a chick from Alaska in college and all she wanted to go is get freaky.  Shit, sex is more popular in Alaska than hockey pucks, ice fishing and meth all combined.  That’s why Palin has 4 errr 5 kids and her daughter has 2 errrr 1 errrr a baby on the way.

That’s right, her 17 year old daughter, Bristol Palin, you know the one who is benefiting from all those advanced “prayer based” forms of contraception, has allowed Jesus, with the help of her boyfriend “Twig,” to place an original sin inspired brick of Chunky Monkey in her belly piece and if you believe the blogs out here, this aint the first time either.

That Belly bump on the far right is no joke. Hey Bristol, just a little advice, when you live in Alaska where there is 24 hours of darkness for 4 months straight, “girl Imma make luv to you to the break of dawn” might not be such a good motif to go by.

And now they’re on that, “she’s in the process of marrying her boyfriend”..   Oh course she is.  After all, nothing says “conservative values” like doubling down on an already fucked up situation by marrying the pimpled-faced, Igloo Eagle Scout who knocked you up in the first place.

Ha, supposedly this is the dude right here.  Oh yeah, he’s definitely got that “I’m about to marry that 17 year old chick I don’t really like because her mom needs me to in order to justify her ‘do as I say, not as I do’ political agenda.”  It’s all in the eyes, he’s ready to do his duty for Amurica.  AHNT

I know, I know, this Palin choice was “fully vetted” and you GOP types were there when ole Twig was laying that Alaskan lumber to young Bristol.  You knew all along that because of her mom’s political views, she’d be forced into the international spotlight as the very personification of your hypocritical and ineffective policy positions.  Yep, she too is ready to take that bullet for Amurica…riiiight.  haaaa

Even Cindy thinks you fuked this one up buddy.

All I can say is that I know for damn sure the Republicans are lucky Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast today and provided a little cover.  Shiiiiit, that gave them the time they needed to get their stories straight.  Did you see how quickly they canceled all their shit?  Kind of reminded me how quick I was back in my school days to let someone else present first when I knew good and well I hadn’t done shit for that science project.  Oh they’ll tell you they knew about this all along, but saying you knew a 17 year old was preggers is just a bold faced lie.

One thing that’s for sure, this guarandamntees that I’ll be watching Gov. Palin’s speech this week.  Let me guess what she’ll say, this is “a family matter” and her family “needs time to deal with this, blah, blah blah, prayer, this isn’t political, but MY DAUGHTER IS KEEPING THE BABY because we respect life!!!!” haaaaaaa   I love it.

You know what the Republicans should do?  Keep Palin, dump McCain and nominate R. Kelly for President of the United States.

Now hold on, just think about it.   It’d be all pandering, all the time.  After all, is there a more religious man than R?  Shoot, Jesus stays up in his songs, so the religious right will be happy.  Then you’d be able to run him to black folks like he’s that viable alternative to Barack…right?  That ought to make this historic run even more classy….  Then, and this is the kicker, we know he likes them young girls, so he’s literally be able to bang out Palin’s daughter “til the break of dawn,” six months of darkness or not!  And that’s before he offered to keep her warm while “piss on you” played in the background, right?  What, no go?  ha

– Lake

——————-UPDATE————————

Are her kids really named Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig?  Jeez.  Those sound like Paint colors…or wood finishes.  What were Saddle, Rumpus, Vault, Rudder and Twist already taken?  Are these kids or Transformers?  This is great.  The only better thing would be if the pregnant one was Piper.  No, not because Piper is 7.  Because a pregnant teen named Piper is funnier.  You know nominal presidposition to actually getting “piped”.  My Bad.

-Brock

Oh No, Not Rihanna in Mom Jeans!!!!

August 28, 2008

Dammit!!!!!  The year was 2000 and young Lake made a run to the lovely country of Brazil.  When he got there, all he saw were lovely young women rocking low slung, hip hugger jeans.

He couldn’t believe what he saw and immediately wondered when American women would get with the program and adopt the South American jean concept (along with a few other things).

And if you haven’t been, yes, even the mannequins got ass in Bra-zee.  Anyway, it’s no shock how happy I was when I started seeing all the mothers, sisters, and oh yes, DAUGHTERS break that fashion glass ceiling and put their arses into these superior jeans like the founders intended!

You gotta love it and while it wasn’t without the occasional complication:

The shit was mostly all to the good.  And I tell you, it enhanced EVERYBODY.  I don’t know what it is, but that low hip looks right on all body types.

Or at least all the ones I looked at.

Well now it seems that chicks are really trying to fuck my game up.  That high hip may be in fashion, but damn fashion, I gotta live in this world!  Take Rihanna’s non dancing ass for instance.  Sure, she’s been looking damn good lately, but she’s setting up some shit that aint good for me and quite honestly, aint good for America.

Hey Ri Ri…my 7th grade class called and they want their jeans back (and dat azz while you’re at it, thx).

Even Barack took a moment away from his message of change and asked Ri Ri to quit the shit when I sent him the pic of Rihanna with the mom jeans.

And Hillary, she didn’t get it at all.

I mean, why would Rihanna do this to our country?  I know she’s from Turks and Cake Cos, Aruba, Cuba, somethin’, but still, she stays kicking it the US of A.  She owes it to us all to set the proper example and keep the rise low!  I know, I know, it’s not big deal, it’s just what’s “in” right now.  Sure, that’s what they said about the do rag:

The curl:

And dammit, the cornrow.

By the way, just between you and me, what’s worse?  The White Dude Corn Row or the White Dude Dreadlock?

All can be seen, not now, but RIGHT NOW, in every city in America.  But it will be far worse with the high jeans, hell, it’s already terrible.

I mean, what is that?  This is a very attractive woman, but she just looks crazy in this pic.  The ripped up stomach doesn’t even lay right in those pants.  It’s just all wrong.

If stars look this bad to lackluster in these pants, how do you think Sally Sue American is gonna look?  It’s a debacle.  I just don’t get it. But I’d be lying if I said it was all bad.

Because Ri Ri’s tizzail is liking right right in those jeans.  Dammit.  By the time this style goes away, all the babes I know will literally be looking like this.

There’s no hope.

– Lake