Archive for the ‘Slackin’ on yo pimpin’’ Category

Shocker: Jamaican Track Stars Are Beginning to Get Busted For Drugs

September 3, 2008

Wait, you can’t smash world records while jogging the last 15 meters in a 100 meter race, as you run sideways and order up some delicious ox tails?

Come on now.  I’m not saying all the Jamaicans were on performance enhancers, but didn’t it seem a bit odd to see so many of those cats getting their effortless Gold Medal trot on?  If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.  Today it’s some hurdlers getting busted, in 6 months it will be someone else and finally, Usain’s presently undetectable Rum Runner-HGH-Red Stripe elixir of speed will be exposed.  Ha  Dude clearly didn’t want to break that record too much, which is why he jogged the last 15 meters!!!!

I know, I know, he just works harder, plus he’s 6, 4.  Believe me, I know.  Just wait and though you heard it here first, believe me, if you paid any attention, you’ve already told yourself that something wasn’t right.  ha

– Lake

Man Up Monday (Tuesday Edition): The Republican Party

September 2, 2008

My man Lake is the political one, so I’m sure he’s going to be working over Governor Palin any moment now.  So the Dems just came off of a successful convention, Hillary finally gave a speech where she she actually acknowledged that she is not longer going to be President of the United States, Bill Clinton did his thing, and Joe Biden was put through his paces.

It went well, and this week was supposed to show the Republican party right after so the American people can really see the differences between the parties.  Wellllllll.  Things aren’t exactly going as planned.  First, McCain cut the analysis of Barack Obama’s speech short by announcing his VP Candidate.  Now I had been working on my Mormon jokes all week and I know CNN had their debate clip package spliced up just right, but the ol maverick hit everyone with a curveball.

Sarah Palin?  Really?  Who is she?  No really, who is she?  Because of this wild choice, the word of the week in now “vetting”.  First, the Republicans asked George Bush what it meant, and he said “Vettin?  Ain’t that where you poke on them animals, and fix em up?”

Good one chief.  You’re an idiot.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Anyway, the Republicans must think vetting is derived from the military policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell” because they apparently didn’t run this decision by any damn body.  OK?  I mean I vet my appitezer and dinner order with the table harder than they worked this decision around the circuit.  I mean damn, can it get worse?

Yes, Yes it can.

Not that underage sex and teen pregnancy.  Nice.  Those are family values at work.

Then they get to deal with this during their party convention.

Talk about raiiiieeeeaaaaiin on your wedding day.  Isn’t it ironic?  Don’t ya think?

That just sucks right there.  Especially since Bush and Brownie realllllly got that one wrong last time.

Even George Bush, sole possessor of the title of worst approval ratings ever can’t take it.

So Republicans.  You’re starting to look desperate.  Sarah Palin is not Hillary Clinton, ok?  Repeating things over and over does not make them true or any more convincing.  Also, until you solve the circular argument of: Barack Obama is not experienced enough to be President; Sarah Palin has the same qualifications as Barack Obama; Sarah Palin is ready to be Commander in Chief, I don’t want to hear anything else from you.

I’m sure you have something in the ol Republican handbook that still holds water.  Roll that puppy out and ride it into Friday.  Just believe in yourself.  Man Up!

-Brock

David Duchovny is a Sex Addict

August 29, 2008

David Duchovny just checked into rehab for sex addiction. Sex addiction?  Hey, I understand how addictions work.  Drugs get a hold of you and condition your body to react to a certain chemical.  You are hooked and your body reacts violently when it isn’t there.  Same thing with drinking.  Alcoholics have to be in that place to feel right.  Or their tolerance is so high they always fly past “buzzing” to “passing out shitty drunk” before they even know what is going on.  When you go to rehab for those things, the lock you down, you don’t have access to your drug of choice, they get you help and teach you how to live life some other way.  Sex addiction, what the hell is the rehab for this?  No more fuckin?

I agree with D-Double here.  Perish the thought.  You know sex addiction is bullshit, right?  Okay, maybe it is real, but let me tell you something.  Every single man out there between the ages of 15 and 75 is a sex addict.

It’s programmed right in there at birth.  I promise.

Here’s the thing about sex addiction.  First of all, what is the cure?  What is rehab like?  Do they just make sure you stop having sex?  You can’t exactly go cold turkey on that one.  If you like to drink, you can fight to never have another drink.  Sex addicts?  They shall fuck again.  It’s like food.  Everyone is a food addict.  I have to eat several times a day.  I always need more.  I can’t ever get enough.  Even if I get some in the morning I might need more at least twice that day.  Are fat people just food addicts that really hit it hard?  No.  That’s why there isn’t rehab for food addiction.  Gotta eat.  It’s the same thing for sex addiction.

Let’s think of the sex addicts we know.  David Duchovny and Eric Benet.  Hmmmmmmm.  Famous guys.  That means they have plenty of access to sex.  Like I said, most guys are sex addicts, we want it all the time.  But these guys can get it all the time.  New sex.  Random sex.  Women who think they love you before they meet you sex.  Stalker sex.  Chicks who keep you on their “cheat list” sex.  They can get it.  If you have to have sex all the time and you don’t have a wiling partner…you aren’t a sex addict, you are a rapist.  Ok?  That is not what we’re talking about here.  You know what the key factor is?  Honestly?  They’re married. There has never been a so called sex addict in the world who isn’t.  I guarantee it.  Because if you aren’t married, it doesn’t matter.  Wilt the stilt?  10,000 women…not a sex addict.  Gene Simmons?  Not a sex addict.  These guys aren’t checking in with a problem.  This isn’t a social epidemic.  They’re just out there having a good ol time.  Sex addiction isn’t an addiction to sex.  It is the fact that you can’t stop sleeping with someone other than your wife.  That’s what you’re addicted to…new pussy.

You know how this conversation goes right.  Guy likes to have sex more than his wife (true probably 90% of the time).  Wife doesn’t want it as much.  Guy gets frustrated.  Guy goes to fulfill his needs elsewhere.  Guy gets caught.  Who’s fault is it?  Her fault.  They work it out, maybe wifey even starts giving it up a little more.  Doesn’t matter.  He cheats again…and again.   His fault yet?  Nope.  He’s an addict.  He has a problem.  He needs to go to rehab for his sex addiction.

Rihanna ain’t buying it.

Get it?  David Duchovny was freaking Fox Mulder.

He had one of the top shows on TV for damn near a decade.  Sure his movie flopped a few weeks ago, but there is still an entire generation of freaky, semi sci-fi slightly nerdy chicks that will throw the draws at Davy D everyday.  I feel like sex addiction like getting prescribed medical marijuana.  You just need to find the right doctor and you’re home free.

My name is Brock Hardon, and I’m a sex addict.

-Brock

Oh No, Not Rihanna in Mom Jeans!!!!

August 28, 2008

Dammit!!!!!  The year was 2000 and young Lake made a run to the lovely country of Brazil.  When he got there, all he saw were lovely young women rocking low slung, hip hugger jeans.

He couldn’t believe what he saw and immediately wondered when American women would get with the program and adopt the South American jean concept (along with a few other things).

And if you haven’t been, yes, even the mannequins got ass in Bra-zee.  Anyway, it’s no shock how happy I was when I started seeing all the mothers, sisters, and oh yes, DAUGHTERS break that fashion glass ceiling and put their arses into these superior jeans like the founders intended!

You gotta love it and while it wasn’t without the occasional complication:

The shit was mostly all to the good.  And I tell you, it enhanced EVERYBODY.  I don’t know what it is, but that low hip looks right on all body types.

Or at least all the ones I looked at.

Well now it seems that chicks are really trying to fuck my game up.  That high hip may be in fashion, but damn fashion, I gotta live in this world!  Take Rihanna’s non dancing ass for instance.  Sure, she’s been looking damn good lately, but she’s setting up some shit that aint good for me and quite honestly, aint good for America.

Hey Ri Ri…my 7th grade class called and they want their jeans back (and dat azz while you’re at it, thx).

Even Barack took a moment away from his message of change and asked Ri Ri to quit the shit when I sent him the pic of Rihanna with the mom jeans.

And Hillary, she didn’t get it at all.

I mean, why would Rihanna do this to our country?  I know she’s from Turks and Cake Cos, Aruba, Cuba, somethin’, but still, she stays kicking it the US of A.  She owes it to us all to set the proper example and keep the rise low!  I know, I know, it’s not big deal, it’s just what’s “in” right now.  Sure, that’s what they said about the do rag:

The curl:

And dammit, the cornrow.

By the way, just between you and me, what’s worse?  The White Dude Corn Row or the White Dude Dreadlock?

All can be seen, not now, but RIGHT NOW, in every city in America.  But it will be far worse with the high jeans, hell, it’s already terrible.

I mean, what is that?  This is a very attractive woman, but she just looks crazy in this pic.  The ripped up stomach doesn’t even lay right in those pants.  It’s just all wrong.

If stars look this bad to lackluster in these pants, how do you think Sally Sue American is gonna look?  It’s a debacle.  I just don’t get it. But I’d be lying if I said it was all bad.

Because Ri Ri’s tizzail is liking right right in those jeans.  Dammit.  By the time this style goes away, all the babes I know will literally be looking like this.

There’s no hope.

– Lake

Rant: Parking Lots

August 27, 2008

I haven’t done a “what the hell is this” rant in a while.  I’ve got to hit this one though.

Who are the assholes that back into parking spots?  Why do you do it?  I think I honestly almost hit one of these people at least once a week.  Why?  Because they pull past the spot, passing it, before they get into the spot.  Either I’m assuming they are going to continue to keep it moving, or I’m about to take the spot they just passed.  Either way it pisses me off.  Another thing.  If these people back into every parking spot they come across, why can’t they drive well enough not to hang over the damn line into the next parking space?  If you are going to be all extra with it, at least do it right.  That’s like the cat on the golf course that can’t play but insists from playing from the damn pro tees.  Don’t do something you don’t have to do then suck at it.  Ok?  Thanks.

I’ve even seen people try to back into those angled spaces that are perfectly designed to drive right into.  You end up pointing the wrong way!  That is just idiotic.

Someone out there is a parking spot backer. Admit it and please tell me why you are doing what you’re doing.  Help me please.

-Brock

“Hip Hop Artist” Daddy Yankee Endorses John McCain?

August 26, 2008

I have one question about this story: Who in the fizzuck is Daddy Yankee?

OK, I’ll ask one more time, who in the hell is Daddy Yankee?

Ohhhhh, it’s the “Gasolina” dude.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!  Only in the Republican world would it matter if THIS dude endorsed John McCain.  First of all, I’m better known in “hip hop” than this clown.  And that Gasolina song was just code for “it’s now time to leave the dance floor and get myself another drank” back when it was popular.  Terrible.  That song wasn’t shit until Lil Jon added “skeet skeet skeet” to the damn remix. Fucking horrible.  I will say though, woman liked the song, so it had it’s purposes, so I can’t completely hate on it.  But can someone tell me what else this “hip hop” artist did?  And since when is Reggaeton considered hip hop?  Maybe it’s just me, but Raggaeton aint shit, which probably explains why this cat’s albums have all gone double wood on the billboard charts.

Ridiculous.

– Lake

Ugly Chicks Wanted in the Outback. Bonzer!

August 20, 2008

This is a great story.  The Mayor of Mt Isa Canberra, Australia just sent out an APB.  You see Mt Isa is a mining town and the mayor believes they have a shortage of ladies.  So he figured he’d go for the low hanging fruit.  He’s inviting all the ugly women of Australia to his little town.  Here’s a quote.  “With five Blokes to every girl, I suggest the ‘beauty disadvantaged’ women should proceed to Mt Isa.”  Way to soften it up with the euphemisms.

He’s just looking out for the fellas.  He really thinks he’s performing a public service here.  Here’s another quote.

“Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face. Whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness”

Hilarious.  He’s basically saying, “if you can’t find a man and get laid in whatever part of Australia you are in, come on out to Mt Isa and get banged out.  I’ve seen ugly women walking down the street happy to be here.  wink. wink. nudge. nudge.”

He’s like a Mayoral Pimp.  Seriously, he’s basically selling sex to the entire continent.  Now that the story has broken worldwide, I’m sure there are a few infrequently viewed ladies on match.com researching tickets to Mt Isa right now.

Bonzer!  I have no idea what Bonzer means, they just have it in the menu a lot at Outback Steakhouse so what the hell.

-Brock

Thick Sorta-Rican, Likely Asian Woman: Tila Tequila Got Ass?

August 20, 2008

You know we try to keep an eye out for unexpected arse and thickness.  I mean, sometimes it just jumps up out of nowhere.  Remember the Badu sightings of ’07?

Ahhh, yes, it’s like where were you on 9/11.  Discovery of dat ass was truly a defining moment for me and I remember it well.  Honestly, just for context, look at what that clown mirror ass looks like from the side, found below, and just ask yourself what the composition of that tail must be like up close and personal.

Seriously, ponder that.  HARD STOP.

Moving on.  What about that thing that jumped up and attached itself to Angela Simmons?

That was so crazy that the only supporting evidence we could find to verify its legitimacy was the fact that Bow Wow was supposedly hitting.  Well, here’s another one.  Peep Tila Tequila’s act:

Say what?  What the farg am I looking at?  Oh wait now, I’mma need me an angle two on that!

Daaaaaayum.  Tila is thicker than a mug!  Had I known this I wouldn’t have stood still while she hooked up that “I kissed a girl and I liked it, taste of her cherry chap stick” special on her show.  Sheeeit, I like this.  Let’s go ahead and just make this an “All Tila’s Undiscovered Ass” kinda day:

Saaaaay whuuuuud?!  Damn, what three inches of rotation can do!  Blasted cameramen!  Curse-ed Lycra!  Now see.  Let that be a lesson to you budding Assologists out there.  My grandpappy warned me of fools tail like this.  He said, “Boy, believe half of what you see and this chick here!!!”  Or something like that.  Stuck with me to this day.  Oh well, at least we’ll always have those Tila NSFW pics.  Peace.

– Lake

John Edwards Joins The Club

August 11, 2008

Maaaaaaang.  I don’t know if I can take it anymore.  Look, I know politicians are powerful people.  I know that power means you can get away with a lot of things, but politicians are having affairs like they hand out mistresses when they give you your first flag pin.

I thought John Edwards was supposed to be one of the good guys.  I guess it is a good thing that he didn’t win the primary.  The Republicans would have it in the bag right now.

Sorry Johnny.  Not this time.

So John Edwards had a jump off back in 2006.  So let’s check out the chick.  She’s got to be bad right?

Ohhh!  Will Smith, can I get a quick opinion?

Right.

Was this picture taken right after a special session?  After Edwards laid down a filibuster?  You know, introduced her to the Ways and Means committee?  She looks like a cross between Nick Nolte’s mugshot and your forth grade social studies teacher. John Edwards and this woman are making Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky look like Hugh Hefner and his flock of blonde chicks.

With all of the politicians getting caught with the mistress we know one thing.  They must have been doing this for a very long time.  Now apparently they all have to admit it.  What is that all about by the way?

Look, fellas, bring it in for a second.  Let Uncle Brock tell ya something.  First of all, don’t cheat.  But if ya gotta cheat go hard.  Make sure she’s worth it.  If your gonna go down make it count!  John just took the fall for this woman?  Did he think he needed a Slumpbuster after the loss in 2004?  If I go down, you best believe Christina Milian is going to be the chick you see in the pictures.  I mean she’s gotta be bad.  You can’t blow your political career for that right there John.  Here’s the kicker.  National Enquirer (I know.  I know) is reporting that this chick had a kid with John Edwards too.

How unlucky do you have to be to unintentionally get a 42 year old woman pregnant.  Oh, rule number two. Strap up.  Why are all these people hitting their side jump offs raw dog?  Anyway, most 42 year old women trying to get pregnant need a year of fertility drugs and bed rest to get pregnant.  You’re telling me Johnny boy was hittin it like that?

Meanwhile the chick is now saying she doesn’t want a paternity test.  When you are on Maury, that shit is okay.  But when you are trying to clear your name, and said you didn’t do it, you really want that test to close the door.  Otherwise, this is going to keep coming up forever.  You know John wants the test too.  So he can go out like my man in this video.

Oh man, that is so good.  I wonder if John’s got his two step tight? 

John Edwards…You.  Are……….  NOT THE FATHER!

I need one more.

This is all horrible.  The way politicians are going down, before you know it we’ll be getting the Newt Gingrich sex tape on a camera phone.  Damn, that tape would never make UvT.

-Brock