Archive for the ‘Silky Headed Toez’ Category

Big Brother 10: Ollie is a Son of A…

August 12, 2008

Preacher man.  What did you think I was going to say?

For those who aren’t up on Big Brother 10 (and why not?  This is solid summer programming)  Let me tell you about Ollie (real name Bryan Ollie).  This brother is the son of a preacher, has never had a sip of the devils nectar (he doesn’t drink), doesn’t curse, doesn’t smoke, played Football on full scholarship at Iowa State.  His father’s church is the real deal.  I’m talking faith healing, speaking in tongues, the whole nine.  I mean he really sounds like a good wholesome dude.

Oh and another thing?  Ollie is banging out April, the blonde haired white girl in the house like the next time might be his last time.

I’m talking about in broad daylight under a blanket.  I’m talking about in night vision.  Not to mention the fact that there is a straight up 24 hour a day live webcam feed going on in the house.  That means that everytime they get busy, that joint is being beamed all over the world live.

Now I haven’t been to church in a long time, but who cares if you don’t drink when you will cut on the internet live?  I doesn’t seem that impressive if you flaunt your principles and you are having sex every which-a-way.  Aren’t we picking our sins here?

I’m sure Ollie has the “I LV GSUS” licence plate.  I’m sure he doesn’t eat pork because he does not “partake in the cloven hoof”.  He is probably firm in his belief that all Jews and Muslims are going straight to hell because they have not accepted Jesus as their lord and savior.  Unprotected, premarital sex?  Hey, everyone needs one vice, right?

Look, normally I wouldn’t point this out, but Ollie ain’t making love here.  Once April won some privacy up in the HOH room, Ollie started fuckin.  I mean gettin it.  Don’t believe me?  Peep this. (NSFW, don’t turn up the volume either)

There hasn’t been night vision action like that since Paris Hilton.  It really starts getting loose at long about the 2:50 mark.  I didn’t watch it, but that is what I hear.  I mean slap it up, flip it, rub it down Ohhnooooooooo!

Look, when I saw that Ollie was that classic, comfortable with everyone football player, but I didn’t know he could run game like that.  I mean is it part of what they cover in practice?

That’s not Ollie, but you can tell they we’re trained in the game at the same school.  Look at this cat.  Got six chicks throwing the shocker.

Ollie.  You have one of the strongest games I’ve ever seen on Big Brother.  In fact, you might be the US Reality pimp of all time.  Sure your lady let an old dude grab her j’s on national tv as soon as she walked into the house, but she’s still a catch.  Oh, and she caught you giving Janelle a little too much love the other night.  Blonde girls are your kryptonite, huh?

Play on Playa.  Us Versus Them salutes you.

-Brock

Olympic Babes: Quest for Olympic Thickness Part 1

August 12, 2008

Yeah, I know, I know, the 4 x 100 MEN’S swimming race was the best win thus far in the Olympics, no this year, no wait, EVER IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS.

Yeah… that was pretty good, I mean dude did walk that cat down in the final leg.  But at UvT, we care about something more important than that: The Hotter Babes of the XXIX Olympiad.  So I’m going to go on a quest that’s two fold.

1.  I’m looking for some Olympic thickness

Dasrite, I’m looking far and wide, close and near, high and low.  I just gotta have it.   But along the way, I’m willing to find a couple morsels I can keep.  Which leads me to my next endeavor..

2.  Hot babes found while searching for Olympic thickness or HBFWSOTs.

Somehow that acronym doesn’t seem to be working.  Oh but this is:

Oh indeed.  I’m at my best when I cater to my most base instincts, so this Bia & Branca Feres are more important to me than Michael Phelps shit is gonna get good!

Awww and they kept it All Brazilian wholesome too.  We all know how Brazilian chicks like to keep it clean.

Bang….  I know, I know, “they don’t have enough arse”…..or do they?

I know, I know Bia err Branca is propped up at the right angle, maybe with a lil help from her friend uncle photoshop.  Sure and that R. Kelly piss was just digital.

Well, sheeeeeit, that’s a lie a nilla can live with, ya dig?

I can’t tell you for sure if we’ve found our Olympic thickness, but we definitely found some Olympic badness.  These chicks are extremely bad.  And even if they’re not “thick” by definition, they’re Brazilian, so they appreciate and embrace the thick lifestyle.  Oh, and I forgot to say, they do synchronized swimming.  As if that matters, right?  LOL.  Right, clearly nobody is checking for their wonderful routine.  I know, that synchnon swimming is veeeery athletic.  A sport completely befitting an Olympic crown.

Ahhh, yes synchronicity.  It’s a beautiful thing.

Hey, I’m trying to stop posting pics, but it’s reaaally hard with these two.  I like it.

– Lake

John Edwards Joins The Club

August 11, 2008

Maaaaaaang.  I don’t know if I can take it anymore.  Look, I know politicians are powerful people.  I know that power means you can get away with a lot of things, but politicians are having affairs like they hand out mistresses when they give you your first flag pin.

I thought John Edwards was supposed to be one of the good guys.  I guess it is a good thing that he didn’t win the primary.  The Republicans would have it in the bag right now.

Sorry Johnny.  Not this time.

So John Edwards had a jump off back in 2006.  So let’s check out the chick.  She’s got to be bad right?

Ohhh!  Will Smith, can I get a quick opinion?

Right.

Was this picture taken right after a special session?  After Edwards laid down a filibuster?  You know, introduced her to the Ways and Means committee?  She looks like a cross between Nick Nolte’s mugshot and your forth grade social studies teacher. John Edwards and this woman are making Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky look like Hugh Hefner and his flock of blonde chicks.

With all of the politicians getting caught with the mistress we know one thing.  They must have been doing this for a very long time.  Now apparently they all have to admit it.  What is that all about by the way?

Look, fellas, bring it in for a second.  Let Uncle Brock tell ya something.  First of all, don’t cheat.  But if ya gotta cheat go hard.  Make sure she’s worth it.  If your gonna go down make it count!  John just took the fall for this woman?  Did he think he needed a Slumpbuster after the loss in 2004?  If I go down, you best believe Christina Milian is going to be the chick you see in the pictures.  I mean she’s gotta be bad.  You can’t blow your political career for that right there John.  Here’s the kicker.  National Enquirer (I know.  I know) is reporting that this chick had a kid with John Edwards too.

How unlucky do you have to be to unintentionally get a 42 year old woman pregnant.  Oh, rule number two. Strap up.  Why are all these people hitting their side jump offs raw dog?  Anyway, most 42 year old women trying to get pregnant need a year of fertility drugs and bed rest to get pregnant.  You’re telling me Johnny boy was hittin it like that?

Meanwhile the chick is now saying she doesn’t want a paternity test.  When you are on Maury, that shit is okay.  But when you are trying to clear your name, and said you didn’t do it, you really want that test to close the door.  Otherwise, this is going to keep coming up forever.  You know John wants the test too.  So he can go out like my man in this video.

Oh man, that is so good.  I wonder if John’s got his two step tight? 

John Edwards…You.  Are……….  NOT THE FATHER!

I need one more.

This is all horrible.  The way politicians are going down, before you know it we’ll be getting the Newt Gingrich sex tape on a camera phone.  Damn, that tape would never make UvT.

-Brock


I Guess Cindy Crawford Still Has It

August 7, 2008

Sheiit, I thought Cindy was all washed up but at the ripe and should be cougar-licious age of 42 she’s still got it.

And yes, we’ve got those NSFW joints right here too.  But damn, I guess it’s true what they say, beauty is timeless.  I wonder if Nereida Gallardo will be hot when she’s this old.

Well, I can’t tell you if she’s going to be hot then, but I can tell you this, she’s unbelievable now.

Jeez, even her second in command is tight.  Like, her appearance literally not right.  And while I wonder if those J’s are real, the rest of her is unreal enough to offset the whole damn discussion of any point deductions.  Check her frolicking in the European sun right here in these wild NSFW joints.  And Cristiano Ronaldo showed her the exit.  Crazy.

– Lake

Aubrey O’Day Pulls Yet Another Publicity Stunt

August 7, 2008

Didn’t Diddy tell this chick to mind her image that night in the office?

Now she’s out in the public streets swapping spit with a “I want to work for diddy” contestant errr fake lesbian, what gives?

Ohhhhh, that fully closed lipped kiss?  Veeeeery passionate, sooooo sexy.  I almost makes me want to jack errrr go on iTunes and buy that Danity Kane album.  AHNT

Look, I get it.  Aubrey sees literal no talents like Audrina from the Hills making dough off nonsense like this, plus Making the Band 4, Season 3 is about to start.

Nice try.  Dude, with all this Bad Boy wildness running around, I think it’s safe to assume that Biggie’s death is just about catching up with Diddy right about now. They did have a good run though.

– Lake

Say what you want, but Kardashian pics never get old

July 31, 2008

Bumping around the web today and I’m just doing my thing. Yep, there’s Amy Crackhouse’s pops saying she went to the hospital b/c of a ruffie in her drank. Ok, there’s the one Kardashian sister I don’t care about (the one that looks like Chyna). Yep, Nick Hogan is still an asshole and then it hit me. What do you ask? THIS!

“Get sillaaaaaay.” Dude, you’d think after a while that you’d stop being shocked by that Kardashian tail. But I’m here to tell you, it gets me every time. And by the way, those horizontal stripes don’t do much to tone down the thunderous rage she’s got going on trunk side.

Damn. And while we’re talking about it, why do women have to grab up on the J’s when they’re looking in the mirror at the store? Realistically, what are you figuring out when you grip on up? Is it like a dude when he’s got to reposition his junk? I don’t get it, but in the case of Kimmy K, it can only be a good thing.

Hey, cats can hate, but this is a really bad chick. I actually like that dress. Look at me getting sucked in.

And yes, that dress does make your ass look big. This chick being featured daily can’t be good for many relationships out here. Kim is really fucking up the game. I can’t even lie.

– Lake

Mr. Belding: He Wasn’t a Principal, He Was A Pimp-cipal

July 30, 2008

It seemed like Saved by the Bell was on TV for long about forever.

It was on so long, I don’t even recognize that dude in the top left.  Who the hell is he?  They really must not have needed his ass because he got clipped and not replaced.  He looks like he’s supposed to be the cool ’80’s music teacher or something.  I also know I’m going to have a Lisa Turtle/Lark Voorhees flashback before this is all said and done.

Here’s the question, if you had to look at all the guys in this picture and predict who is pimpin’…who would it be. (Aside from the aforementioned Beaker looking guy…Seriously, who is that?)  Zack Morris?  Actually, where the hell is that dude and when was the last time her worked?  “Saved By the Bell: They Got Jobs Now“?  Screech?  He does have a sex tape (yes I didn’t look for nor link to it on purpose).  Slater?  Isn’t he dancing with the Stars?  Was that him?  It was right, so he’s got that bad dancing chick.  Well you’re all wrong.  The correct answer is Mr. Muthafackin’ Belding.  Peep this.

Mr. Belding is gettin’ it in Vegas.  Three chicks, trying to grab some high thigh, still dressed like a principal.  Don’t believe it’s him?

That’s him, and that’s not Lisa Turtle…she might be hiding a few turtles though.  So is Mr. Belding really pimping, can he strike a pose?

Nice, Mr. Belding.  Still got that sense of humor.  That pic is hilarious.  The classic “slap that ass” pic must have been right after this one.  What is this guy doing other than enjoying life?  Oh, and this isn’t news by the way, this is apparently what this guy does.  Talk about stretching out your 15 minutes of fame.  These chicks probably think it’s cute to bang Mr. Belding.

And for the record:

Lark Voorhees can still get it.  She looks like a regular chick too.  I might have to holler at her and Betty Okino and have a quick 80’s fantasy flashback.

-Brock

Thick White Woman Alert: USC Soccer Star Megan Ohai

July 29, 2008

All I know is that somebody needs to check the post count ‘for he be talking about Lake falling down on the job. Hey, Lake don’t blog unless it’s for a worthy cause. I aint been inspired, so like Oran Juice Jones, “Instead I chilled“. Ya dig? But bumping around the net today, I saw something that did catch my eye. Dats right, another thick white woman gone public. Meet Megan Ohai, an All-American soccer star from Utah (they got thickness in Utah?) who now makes her home at USC:

Pedestrian you say? “Yeah, so what” you quip? Sure, but have you familiarized yourself with angle 2?

And in case you’re wondering, I’m not talking about the emaciated zebra on the left. Nah, we’re hunting big game at usversusthem. And what I love about this chick is that she reminds me so much of babes I grew up with. You know the ones. Back in the day they were dissed for being “boxy” or “bulky”. Basically they were dissed for being that softball girl we all knew.

That’s right, I don’t buy that the new white girl ass is really all that new. Nah, it’s just out, exposed and celebrated now for all to see. Remember our Cheerleader friend from Indiana University (NSFW and ALL)?

One version of the previously underground thick white chick was this same highly coordinated and athletic type who had to do everything she could to keep that fat and unappreciated ass out of harms way lest she be tormented and persecuted for her beneath(s). Consequently, dat ass had to go stealth with a series of button ups, long tees and sweaters. It was hidden, along with the advanced thigh, so that the closest you ever got to seeing the goods was this:

Uh huh. See the KFC thigh? See the arched up back piece and the nebulous wonder twins activating up under the hook? See, if you can’t see it, it’s because you just don’t have an eye for it. I know, I was once like you. I couldn’t appreciate it. I had to have it spelled out for me. But now I see a pic like the one above, engage my Lake-Ray vision and see all the possibilities, namely:

Hello! Hot dammit and yes you do have to take away a quarter point for the excessive lean, but hey, it’s all good. And you know what really hilarious about this pic? Look at ole zebra trying to pull her ass out like she’s sittin on them thangs, poor thing. I think Weezy said it best in A Milli:

You’re like a (chick) with no ass, you aint got shit!

And that bemused look on her face, that’s what happens when you realize that a revolution has started up, but you’re not on board. It’s the same face Ole Mayne McCain had when President Obama was rocking the house in Berlin (incidentally, if cats in Germany have Obama-mania, given their wild history, don’t you pretty much think it’s a wrap for John Boy?).

It’s the look of defeat. She knows she can’t compete. Oh and I know what the true connoisseurs of the lady are thinking, “Ok, she’s got the arse, but what about the rest of her, I mean, I can live with a semi butterface, after all we all have at one point or another, but what about the front Lake, wuz up with THAT?”… I got you homies. But I must say, my findings are mixed. Here we have skrong athletic belly.

Which is very cool, by the way, ole Petra Cotton tail over there looks kinda cute, but that outfit looks like a Spencer’s gifts special, ok? Just terrible dude. But then once you go to that angle 1.5, it starts to get a lil dicey for young Meg.

I know, I know, I just don’t know women’s bodies and every woman has that little pooch. Maybe, but how can I discern the pooch from the suck in?

I own know. I suspect we just caught her in the off season, because this shot right ‘chere is juuust about right if you account for thick white woman arse credentials and a KFC bloodline on them legs:

And I do repeat, if you’re not working but with one thang below the waist, you’re just not living your life right guys. Trust me, you gotta learn to work a chick like this. Now see, I bet some dude named ‘Kirk’ is bullshittin on this babe right now. Cat aint touched a thigh, has yet to tenderize that rump…I mean, just has no clue.

How do I know that, because I was once that way. Us white dudes, we keep it old school until someone shows us the light. It’s pretty basic. You start at the J, then you let her focus on you, then you just go straight in for the smash.

It’s a damn shame too. Now that I’m an old school player, I’d be firing up the Kingsford on some slow roast with this babe. You can’t let that fire burn too hot, gotta let it marinate my nillaz. Don’t worry, stick with me, I’ll learn ya.

– Lake

The Ladies of Summer

July 22, 2008

I’m not feeling very creative, funny or inspired, so I figured I’d hook up a post for the fellas and by fellas I mean for MYSELF. Anyway, our first lady of summer is Jessica Simpson. You how people say someone walks like they’re “butt driven” or “hips driven”? Well, until now I’ve never seen someone who looks “Tits Driven” (incidentally, when you’re talking about an old school chick like Jess, you definitely say “Tits”, ya know. You keep it old school, “I Love the 80s” real… it’s only right):

Lol. That’s a pretty crazy forward lean, right? It seriously looks like the Js are pulling her (and me) forward. Who knows. Apparently she got boo’d at some country concert.

Jeez, her without those boobs out is like me without my money. It just aint right on any level.

Who would have thought, oh 5 years ago, that her sister would be married to a legitimate rock star and on her way to having a baby while Jess and those great breasts would be single, taken for all her damn loot cakes by her no talent ex and getting boo’d at concerts? Tough. She does look good in that dress though, I’ll give her that. Speaking of a chick that looks good who I’m not usually all that excited about, check out Anna Kournikova at fashion week.

“Hello, hello, Dey know, dey know!”

Oh and I remember Will from “The” Ohio State talking about Rosario Dawson’s breasts back in the day. I’m sure you all already peeped it, but oh well, here we go:

Best cat in the entire pic, that little kid who can’t believe Rosario is working that hose so right. Damn, I didn’t know babygirl was packing like that. But what happened to the rest of her? I guess we’re all getting older. NEXT.

Oh, it’s our favorite Governator Ashley Dupre in a Bikini.

Boy that midsection is slick, but with that mini bottom she can’t be packing too much in the back. Anyway, I’m feeling the wild accessories and tat, so I’m going to give her a thumbs up for this pic. I’m also somehow comforted to know that I’m only looking at a 3 diamond level ho on the 7 diamond must scale. I mean, it’s good to know that in this economy, at least something is holding value out here.

And what would a summer post be without UvT fav Christina Millian?

Huh? I like the enthusiasm but something aint right here. Maybe I need a new t shirt printed up with the phrase “No Reduced Ass Ness” etched on the front. Come on now, I can only hope that angle two is better.

Better, yes, but only slightly. I may require a sex tape to clear this one up. Yikes. I hope she doesn’t have Amy Winehouse disease. Babygirl aint looking right at all. I don’t want to have to downgrade her, but this is NOT what I wanted to see for my Summer bunnies post. Terrible.

– Lake

Believe Those Kanye Lyrics

July 17, 2008

Maaan, I love Kanye West’s music.  In fact, I wish he had an album coming out right now.  I think he’s brought a lot to hip hop (still not sure what that term actually means), rap and music generally.  And while he’s probably opened up the door for the scriblet nation to step out into the limelight on some “this is who I am,” I can live with it.  Let’s face it, probably 52% of these cats in the hip hop music industry are gay anyway.

*vinyl scratch*  Anyway:

Everyone knows that if you look at any artistic endeavor, be it interior design, music, painting & drawing or the WNBA, gay cats are going to be waaaaay overrepresented, if not comprise ALL of the participants.  I mean, have you seen that show Project Runway?

My sentiments exactly. Anyway, Kanye puts it all out there:

Sorry, I can’t support the man purse though.

It started with him as the ultimate backpacker rapper.

And his lyrics pretty much fit that persona.  A cat on the outside who should have gotten a deal 4 deals ago.  And hey, dude was right.  More of America, white and black, was like him than those clowns in the music industry wanted to admit.  But who could blame them given the success of 50 and all the Fif act-a-likes at the time.

But what happens when a cat like Kanye actually gets real dough?  You get:

“How am I suppose to stand out when everybody is dressed up”

To:

“So we gon’ do everything that kan like
Heard they’d do anything for a klondike
Well i’d do anything for a blonde-dyke”

“And she’ll do ANYTHING when the time’s right”

Haaa, Baby you’re making it…”hard, bigger, faster, strongrrrrrr.”

Lol.  I can’t hate, because the dude is obviously living good.  Just believe those lyrics ala “Model chicks was bending ova”…

Dude, just how much adrenaline do you think is rushing through this cat in this pic?  It’s all in the eyes.  I like it.

– Lake

Oh and shouts to Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac BA for that hot “scriblet” rhetoric.  Permanently in that UvT lexicon because it’s too fitting.