Archive for the ‘Pimp or Die’ Category

Standing Tall: Much Respect to Silda Wall Spitzer

March 12, 2008

Now that Elliot is done, it’s interesting to look at some of the satellite issues surrounding this scandal. One I’d like to raise is how strong Silda Spitzer has been throughout this. Supposedly Mrs. Spitzer got word of this debacle on Friday. That means that she had the weekend to slap Elliot around, think about whatever she did or didn’t do that allowed this to occur (believe me, this ran through her mind) and get her mind right about what she was going to do. When the dust settled, there she was, right next to her man.

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And if reports are true about her advice for Elliot, she was the one who told him not to be hasty in stepping down from his post. After all, she doesn’t want him to fold up like a damn beeyatch, not after all the work they’ve done building her and Elliot’s career.

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I don’t know about yall, but I gotta giver her my highest respeck for doing that.

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Sure, you hear some of these silly women and a few men with their skirts in a bunch on tv and radio talking about “Why doesn’t she just leave him.” As if it’s just that simple.

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She aint leaving him because that’s her man and they have a life together. That’s why! Because you don’t just turn your back on your family and maybe, just maybe homeboy needs his lady right now to keep him strong.

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That’s independent of what he’s done to her. There’s time for that, but these clucking chickens talking about “MEN!! Why do they do this?”

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I’ll tell you why:

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And this:

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And definitely this:

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Quite simply because they want to. And some would argue that they are just wired to. That there is nothing you can do about a man looking to hit what evolution has deemed to be fertile ass.

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Now Elliot got busted and he’s got to make this right. No question and he deserves all the blame. But Silda has been strong. Silda has stood in there and taken the blows (no ho ho) and Silda is still standing tall. Gotta love a strong woman. Someone who does what she’s got to do rather than just pop off at the mouth and roll the neck at the first sign of trouble.

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And on top of that, for a 51 year old woman with three teenage daughters, this Harvard Law School grad has it going on.

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Much Respeck for Silda for standing tall to protect what’s her’s. And for those of you who would rather she just reflexively kick Easy E to the curb, tell me when you wake up from fantasy land. I don’t ask my dog to shit where he eats and you shouldn’t ask Silda to either. She knows what she’s doing and if you had a man worth standing up for, rather than a Match.com account and a closet full of skirts you can no longer fit into, you would to.

– Lake

UvT Asia: Edison Chen strikes again

March 12, 2008

Hey, I’m sure to people who actually follow Hong Kong gossip this is nothing new, but I just learned that my man, Edison Chen, slayed yet another actress/model, Maggie Q and then put it on film. Yes, ole Eddie has a sex tape out there with this bad American actress laying on her back catching the business.

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Dude, this cat must be the meanest ladies man ever.

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That’s right, put em in the scopes and knock ’em down Eddie. Look at this babe, she’s ridiculous and she aint shy neither:

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And she’s in and out and agile with her flow (2nd Round Knock Out reference, don’t ask why these things pop into my head, but just know that when they do, I go listen to the entire joint) . I mean, she can really change up her look. Peep the blond version.

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Now take it back to basics.

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Those hot ass peppers are talking to a nilla. Damn, that’s pretty much flawless right there. Anyway, I don’t really think anybody can mess with my girl Sun from Lost, but this babe is knockin’ on the door like Hillary is doing Barack.

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I do have that soft spot for Sun though.

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Oh yes.

– Lake Tzu

Spitzer is out, David Patterson in as NY’s Governor

March 12, 2008

It’s just a matter of time. Elliot “Mess” Spitzer lost his damn mind with this transfer of lootchy for hoez foolishness. Now he’s basically got no choice but to resign from office.

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I mean, for real.. Who’s worse, Craig from Friday for getting fired on his day off for stealing boxes on camera or Elliot moving 5 large for some NYC ass he happened to want to get at before Valentines Day?

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Oh yeah, it’s Easy E going away. At least Craig never admitted any wrongdoing. Elliot sure did. And what about that timing of the night before V-Day? Hell, he might have been knee deep in some premium tail as the clock truck midnight.

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What a way to usher in that holiday. Fuck candy and flowers, E was having it his way. Now when I wrote my scheme for getting over on Valentines Day, nowhere did I say to wire a G’s worth of loot cakes for a hizzie, and 4 more on travel expenses, hotel and lubrication. That’s not pimp, it’s just stupid.

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So in the span of 24 hours, homey has gone from one of the top 3 or 4 elected official in these United States to “Daddy, please don’t bring your ho mongering ass to my recital, I HATE YOU.” That’s a pretty ugly fall. And what about the reverberations?  This little snafu will end up being historic not only for the running of hoes, but also because it will bring New York’s first black Governor into office!

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My inside sources in Albany tell me that for his first official act in political office, David Patterson will be getting an edge up at a local barber shop.

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I certainly hope so, damn.

– Lake

International Pimp of the Year: Edison Chen!

February 21, 2008

With all this talk about sex tapes out there, I figured that we should highlight the true king of the international players. His name is Edison Chen.

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Talk about a playa from the Himalayas, not only did this cat slay like every single Hong Kong starlet, he got them all on camera giving him hizzead!! I mean, really hitting them off like it was some jerk jock from a small town High School football team, but these babes are among the best known chicks in all of Hong Kong entertainment and high society.

And in case you’re wondering, they aint ugly. Here’s movie star and singer Cecelia Cheung:

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And here’s Cecelia Cheung Edison’s way (The other way – Marlo):

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Incidentally, this babe is a DIME!!! Jeez. Here’s Actress Bobo Chan one way:

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But young Edison hit it, flicked it and flipped it….the other way:

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And just so you know, it’s not that there aren’t other pictures…oh there are NSFW ones of Bobo Chan right HERE, and HERE it’s just that among the 85 shots this cat has of Bobo, this is literally the ONLY ONE I felt comfortable posting on my blog. Pimp or Die, Edison, PIMP OR DIE!!!!

Then we have the lovely and I do mean lovely Ms. Gillian Chung, the singer, writer, actress triple threat who looks like dis:

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Oh, that’s fierce baby, and dis:

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But my man Eddy had her like dis:

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And this:

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Then she held a presser apologizing for all this mess where she looked like this:

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Damn, even when she’s crying she looks good. I guess the Wu had it right after all.

I mean, the list goes on and on. Some babe named Vincy Chung, Rachel Ngan (by the way, why do they all have American sounding names?), Cathy Leung and some one named babe named Jolin. Oh I know what you’re thinking, “What about Candice Chan“.. Yes, he fucked her too…and he’s got it on film. Jeez, in fact, look, if you want all of this cat’s conquests, just go ahead and download the most recent compilation of all his NSFW pics Here. It’s literally a couple hundred shots of Hong Kong’s most sought after young starlets.

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It’d be like if Lake errr Justin Timberlake, who probably has banged out and taped all kinds of hot Hollywood stars, came out with pictures of Britney, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel (stop me any time when I’ve mentioned a chick Justin hasn’t hit.. got dammit!), Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton (gotta drop a lo one in there), Kim Kardashian (Justin had to hit that, right?), Rihanna (sorry, Ri, but if you can’t dance, you can’t cut) and Megan Fox. You name her and Edison has hit, taken and picture and dimed her out to the entire world.

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The only problem is that Edison actually did his job too well. See some wild computer technician jacked these pics from his PC when he took it in for maintenance (duh) and it had shots of high powered cat’s fiancee on there and influential business men’s daughters, too. Awwww, you mean there won’t be a happy ending? Ha.. damn, that was unintentional. Anyway, nah, Edison is now a marked man, hell, some wild Chinese mafia cat has placed $90,000 for anyone who can deliver one of Edison Chen’s hands to him.

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Maaaaayne, I don’t mess with them Asian thugs. They got that extra look in their eye.. It’s that old school thug twankle of yore that I want no parts of.. Anyway, it seems that Edison wants no parts of it either. Homey went ahead and RETIRED because of this. Peep his rhetoric:

Damn, Edison sounds like a white boy from Exeter. I’m not saying I expected a hot voice over ala Bruce Lee, but he could have at least given me an accent to add to the drama. Oh I see, Edison is Canadian-Chinese, nice. Damn, Eddie, I know some more pics came out with you and some chick named Kira, but stay strong bro. Just look at it this way, you’ll go down in history as the biggest Asian pimp to ever run game. I mean, you had them all and now everybody knows it. Just keep your hands to yourself and you’ll live to pimp again.

Oh and by the way, I’ve taken the liberty of attaching this NSFW video with some of Edison’s work. DO NOT CLICK THIS IF YOU ARE AT WORK. It starts off slow and takes some time to load, but it picks up later and gets very aggressive toward the middle and end. Enjoy.

Vodpod videos no longer available. from uberclip.com

Pimp or Die baby….

– Lake

They say Vanessa Hudgens has a Sex Tape

February 21, 2008

It’s been rumored since the nude pics of Vanessa first hit the net, but now some internet outlets claim to have possession of a cell phone recorded Vanessa Hudgens Christmas sex tape.

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Aww, don’t tell me she went ahead and really rocked those Christmas Boots ala H-Town. Then again, from the look of her expression, I bet there’s more than just a Christmas tape floating around. Baby girl has the look of a certified freak.

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Very nice. I must say, I am enjoying the arch of her career. She went from a chick I never heard of and didn’t care to know, to this:

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To a not safe for work legend in the game. Aww, what the heck, those NFSW pics are HERE.

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Anyway, we’ll keep a look out for this alleged sex tape. You’ll know as soon as we do.

– Lake

Freaks, skeezers and Hoes: It’s Big Brother 9 time

February 19, 2008

Ha, I know some of you loved that old school “Skeezer’ blast I just laid on you. Oh, there’s more where that came from. Originally, this post was called, Racism (Ryan), Drama (Amanda and Joshuah) and Hoes: It’s Big Brother Time, but it just got too long. Hey, hoes take time, attention and commitment. So here I give you a fully dedicated post about the Hoes of Big Brother 9. What’s crazy is that it’s literally impossible to get all the crazy pics of these chicks into one post. I mean, Big Brother Casting did a phenomenal job this time. Take a bow people.

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Dude, where do I begin? Are yall watching this season of Big Brother? I know it was designed more as a stop gap to offset against the writer’s strike, but this is just top shelf on the melodrama scale. Let’s see what we’ve learned thus far:

1. Sluts rule

A. Ho Number 1 – Natalie

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In my first post on this season I talked about how hyped I was on this chick Natalie. She gives a whole new meaning to the term Jesus Freak.

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I loved how she invoked Jesus’ name immediately, while flaunting her ample enhancements for all to see.

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Turns out, the chick has a bunch of nice pics for us to look at, in fact, I’ll need to give her a separate post. In the meantime though, check her out hooking up the freaky massage to her Big Brother appointed “soulmate” Matt.

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Anyway, it’s hard to top the blatant and very appreciated hypocrisy she’s brought to the table, that was, until she gave her partner and Handjob and Blowjob within 2 days of knowing him and before the second episode was aired! Peep how she got started (actually this is the long version with everything).

Vodpod videos no longer available.Now see how she ahem finished him off (if you want to cut to the uhh chase, here’s the ending).

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Aww what the hell, here is another reverse angle complete with slurping and gargling (I’m not kidding):

Dude, she did it right too. She woke homey up, got him all revved up and then really finished the thing as evidenced by his expression when it was over.

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I especially appreciate how Matt turned his head away when she tried to kiss him. HA.. Full on pimp. By my count, that makes 3 mic checks and it hasn’t even been a full week in the house! I love this girl and boy does she love to take pictures of her half-naked body.

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Seriously, THIS CHICK IS AWESOME. Just look at her! LOL. I mean, buck ass naked in yet another picture and believe, there are literally hundreds where that came from. I’m still interested in this Jesus angle, though. I mean, what congregation does this broad belong to, Church of the Righteous Cutlery?

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Ok, I admit it, I just wanted to post a picture of God touching her boob.. You got me. I think I’m in love.

B. Ho Number 2 – Sheila

Not only did this chick do Penthouse and fuck with all kinds of D list celebs including Chachi from Happy Days, she also did soft core porn.

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This shot is classic!!! Oh yes, she is a dead up porn star in the filthy skin rag and on what I assume was the little screen.

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I can’t decide if this is terrible or awesome. I can’t lie thought, “ma” was attractive back in the day. Is there any doubt that she’d be hooking up righteous cut sessions and microphone checkers if she wasn’t paired with THIS dude?

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Ha, if these not safe for work pics (found HERE) are accurate..ha…and clearly they are, I think we can all safely assume that we know the answer to that question. Damn, I can’t lie, Sheila was sexy back in the day, DAMN!

C. Ho Number 3 – Jen

Well, it’s not totally fair to call Jen a ho. She’s more annoying than anything else. The bottom line, however, is that she really sucks at this game. The chick entered into the house with a major advantage, the fact that she had her boyfriend, Ryan, right there with her.

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Sure, the twist made everything harder, but only because they couldn’t keep it together. Jen should have stayed cool and kept her relationship a secret when the TMZ paparazzo, Parker, wanted to vote Ryan off.

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Then they’d still be in the running for the half mil rather getting what I assume will be the collar tonight. Whatever problems they had as a result of Allison’s crazy ass and I agree, she is pretty unstable and crazy, were self-induced.

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No matter how you slice it, Jen is a classic butter face with a flair for the dramatic. I can’t lie, her body is on-point right now, so I’ll give her some respect for that. But baby girl really needs to work on that personality. I mean, self-promotion, flat-stomach and sex drive aside, what do you have with that chick?

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Oh and Ryan, watch out for that girl. She doesn’t strike me as the faithful type. After all, she did dime you out for being a racist. Now why would Ryan be a racist, oh, that’s right, he banged his girl for all of 90 seconds and you allegedly have a problem with some black boyfriend she used to have that to quote one of my favorite readers in Nevada was “laying the pipe”…

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No wonder you don’t like interracial relationships, if my lady had been hittin off brothers and I couldn’t fuck, I wouldn’t like them either. But it’s got to make you wonder, what is it about Parker they thought she’d like… think long and hard on that one player…

Anyway, I think Jen was actually ready to tell the whole house that she and Ryan were together because they wanted to get their open cut on. And cut they did, Peep it.

That “Just bend me over (said TWICE)” was pretty aggressive. I like it.

D. Ho Number 4, Amanda

I actually like Amanda a lot. Not because of her personality or anything, but she’s got a hot body.

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She’s also sporting the New Day white woman ass.

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Not the best angle, but trust me, it’s there. I also appreicated how the other chicks in the house were hating on her for rocking the booty shorts all the time. I can’t lie, they were literally up past her ass piece, showing full cheek. Nice. Big Brother casting really got this one right this time. She’s hella annoying, but I like her for that solid new day tail piece. And boy, does she ever show it too. If the blogs have it right, she’s crazy with some wild disorder and is trying to sex up Parker.

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Pimpulate my player…

Hey, I’ve got a lot more to write on the Hoes of Big Brother 9, but I just can’t do it anymore. I mean, for real, there actually might be too much sexual eye candy and tension in this household. It’s so obviously coming, but I just can’t wait for the “Big twist” which allows people to swap soulmates, so these hoes can get their freak on with other cats…Should be good.

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Thank you CBS…thank you.

– Lake

Man Pronounced Dead: Dead Nice at Spending that Paper!

December 7, 2007

I don’t know if this is in the stupid criminal hall of fame or the evil genius hall of fame, but I’ll let you, the UvT masses, decide.

John Darwin, a 57 year old British man, disappeared at sea in a canoe incident five years ago and was declared dead. His wife, Anne Darwin, cashed out the insurance policy and sold the family home for about $820,000. Their two sons mourned, Anne finally seemed to find happiness as she moved to Panama to spend her twilight years. Sounds like a tragic story, right…until my man Johnny D showed back up last week!

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I guess my man couldn’t take it anymore and decided he was going to head on over to the police station and say he had amnesia and didn’t know who he was. I guess that is a solid plan for reintroduction into society. Amnesia probably wouldn’t have stopped the insurance company from coming back to get their money (with interest), but he may have been able to slip through the cracks and work his way back into the flow. That was until this showed up:

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I guess John and Anne closed on a Panama condo in 2006 and thought it was a good idea to jump in a few photos with their realtor. Huh? If I’m playing dead, I’m not getting my happy homeowner on. In fact, I’m pulling a Cameron Diaz and breaking the camera. I mean those cats are chillin’ like their on vacation. Really enjoyin’ down there in Panama. This cat must have come back to England so he didn’t get thrown up into Sona with Michael Scofield. He was probably watching a few episodes of Prison Break like, oh hell no. I’m not going out like that.

So guess what, this dude’s sons are pissed. They think Dad is dead while their parents are kicking it in Panama. Yeah, that’s not right. Mom knew the whole time as well. I guess Anne broke down in tears when she saw the photo.

Look if you are going to fake your own death, you need to stay dead. No peeking!

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If you are going to defraud an insurance company, shouldn’t you start with something easy just to figure out if you can keep a secret? How about wrecking your own car and seeing if you can get the money out of it? Or maybe burn a house down and try to get the insurance money? Do you go for the full kill yourself and spend your own money move first? I guess if you are going to do it, go for all of it. But you’ve got to be able to sip pina coladas on your back patio in Panama, eating in, and watching movies on Netflix (under a pseudonym) for the rest of your life.

I’d need a lot more that one Million to give that a shot though.

Darwin awards are given to people so stupid that they kill themselves, letting natural selection work itself out. So this guy only fake died, does that make him ineligible for the award? He sounds pretty stupid to me.

-Brock

Larry Craig: I’m not a gay, I just crush (men) a lot

December 3, 2007

This is the story that just won’t die.

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Infinitely fabulous Senator Larry Craig gay Republican from Idaho has managed to open yet another chapter in his gay sex scandal. This time, he’s got his gay ex-boyfriends ahem panties all in a bunch over his assertion “I’m not gay and I have never been gay.

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Oh really? I believe you dude, I really do. That is if you consider hitting on and having sex with multiple gay men over a 40 year period, “not gay.” I know, I know, if you utter “no homo” after you bang some dude out, it’s not really gay. I know.

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Anyway, 4 more men have come forward to say they’ve had sex with Larry Craig. Another gay Republican said L dot Craig hit on him at some Republican convention. Damn, homey’s gaydar must be ahem “tight”….damn. Of course, Larry came right out and said that all 5 of these gay dudes are liars. All of them. Hilarious. You know what’s crazy though? The same dude, Mike Jones (who?), who had sex with that phony “Evangelical,” sinister minister, Ted Haggard, is now saying he had sex with Larry Craig, too! Damn, what is this guy, prostitute to the hypocritical, lying, scumbag, gay stars? How do you get expertise in that area? I mean, how does one male ho just find all kinds of politicians and religious freaks to sex him for money?

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Hey, I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

– Lake

Damn, that cat gets around.

Dirty Harry: Prince’s sex tape exposed?

October 28, 2007

You all probably heard about the plot to blackmail a member of the Royal family with an alleged sex tape that shows a Royal receiving oral sex and doing cocaine.

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(Look at Harry with a handful of tittays)

Let’s just call this one straight, we all know it was Harry. Who else would be banging out on tape?

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You know Harry was dranking that Chrissy, snorting that cocaine and getting after several hoes on camera. That’s what Harry does. He’s a wild boy, known to be the “naughty one”…

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It should be hilarious when the tape actually does come out because as with all things, there’s never just one copy. Especially if they were trying to sell it back to Harry and his fam. If there is one thing I learned in my Brit Lit class it’s that Harry loves the hoes and hoes love Harry!!!!

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(Party like a rockstar H)

Gotta be the red headed bandit, right?

– Lake

==========Update===========

As a bonus for all you low cats out there, I was looking for a copy of the Prince Harry tape and ran across this. Now normally, my moral code wouldn’t allow me to post this.

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But the deleterious effect you crazy readers are having on me is beginning to take hold. Here you go, a sex tape of a 19 year old Argentinian actress, Maria Fernanda Telesco (aka “Chachi”), who starred in their version of High School Musical. If Prince Harry’s tape is this hot, maybe he should change his profession. Uh, did anyone else know these Argentinian babes were this hot? Wow.

iPod Touch: This is What We’ve All Been Waiting For

October 4, 2007

So the “official” launch date for the iPod touch was this past Friday, but they actually hit the streets a few weeks ago. I had to fire Fitzy the intern because that little bastard didn’t get me one as soon as it hit the streets, but I stopped letting Lake run the internship program, and the new interns seem to be a little more on it.

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I’ve been waiting for the touch screen iPod for almost two years, right after they started going to video and color and the rumors started flying. This is what the iPod always should have been, and really the first generation of a machine that really brings together music, video, and pictures the right way.

I know what you’re all thinking. What about the iPhone? Isn’t the Touch just a gimped version of the Jesus phone? Hell, as far as I’m concerned the iPhone is a gimped version of the iPod Touch. First of all, it has a bigger hard drive so you can fit more content on it. Second, you buy it and the damn thing is yours. No BS $75 a month service plan. No terrible service everywhere except downtown Atlanta (seriously, I was sitting with an iPhone in Midtown Manhattan and it didn’t have any damn service.) It would be nice to have some of the email functions and the navi searches, but otherwise it has everything you need.

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Someone asked if I just wanted to get the new iPod just because I wanted to go *flicking motion*. And I said hell yeah. Then I got the damn thing. Let me tell you, the first time I hit a free wifi spot in a hotel room the damn thing was pure magic. Full surfing, and fast. Handheld Porn. YouTube access. iTunes downloads and purchases. You can hit your webmail. This thing is great. Hopefully they will keep unlocking things with the firmware upgrades (there already seems to be a hidden bluetooth radio in there). This is the first step toward a true handheld Mac…maybe a precursor to a Newton that will actually work. Not to mention watching video and TV on the thing. It was great. I need to figure out how to rip shows off my Tivo and I’ll be golden. Sure, I know they will probably have big bad ass 40Gig versions by next year this time…but for right now? Just go get it.

-Brock