Archive for the ‘Ignant’ Category

Patrick Ewing Is Still an Underachiever

September 10, 2008

Patrick Ewing is on the long list of people who Michael Jordan jacked rings from.  The Knicks never fully had that killer instinct with him on the squad and have been a debacle ever since.

Big Pat got enshrined into the Basketball Hall of Fame recently…uhhhhhhh…and apparently he thought it was a casual affair.

Come on Patrick, you didn’t know they were going to hit you with the commemorative blazer?  You knew Pat Riley was coming smooth, even coordinated the black shirt with it.  Dickie V hit em with the collegate look, and you rock the shorts, untucked shirt and Mandals?  You know how you know you are a complete asshole?  When you are so ridiculous that the professional photographer, your fellow inductees, and your former coach don’t tell you you got half a collar popped like you feel like dancin’ buuuuut just half way.  That is terrible.  Step yo game up.

Chad Ocho Cinco Has Lost His Mind!

September 5, 2008

Now last season when Chad called himself “Ocho Cinco” for an entire week and showed up on Sunday with the rigged Ocho Cinco jersey, it was pretty funny.  I’ve even called him Ocho Cinco since then.  In a sport where you get paid to create your own personality, I have to say it was a good move.

Now Chad has officially changed his name to Chad J. Ocho Cinco.  Uhhhh Chad, this joke ended 10 months ago homey.  Now you’ve made it permanent and the Bengals are officially changing his name.  It is already updated on the rosters page on ESPN.  Chad, let’s keep it fresh.  You could have changed it to “Unstoppable”, really made it crazy.  Touchdown by Chad Unstoppable.

This is the worst thing since He Hate Me.

You better rip it up Chad, or change the name back long about Week 4.  Oh you also better hope the Bengals are playing winning ball this year too.  There is nothing worse than being 2-7 and walking around with Ocho Cinco on your back like an asshole.

-Brock


Bristol to Sarah Palin: “I Learned It By Watching YOU Mom”?

September 4, 2008

Who knows if Mrs. Palin is slaying more than “the good ole boys” (did anybody bother to tell her what party she’s in?) up in her little store front “City Hall” in Wasilla.

Look, my high school principal’s office looks more official than this shit.

All I know is that when someone holds themselves out as a “Champion of Moral Values” they’re usually not. I know, I know, she’s only mortal…right.  Of course, the moralizers always want to take that uppity high road (until people fuck up and then it’s all about “errybody makes mistakes” and “we’re all sinners”), talk all their shit about family values and the “good ole days of yore” when grandpappy and grandmama worked the land, said their prayers, refused to sit next to blacks errrr helped their neighbors and loved Amurica.   Sure.  Only, back in those days, grandpappy often had a family the next town over and grandmama was getting more than milk for the milkman, which is why your Uncle Jr. is the only one in the family to have red hair.  But that was the “greatest generation.”  Sure.  And it’s the same with this tabaccy spittin’, moose killin’, gun tottin’, unrecognizable accent havin’, Obama disparagin’, Tina Fey lookin’, ‘bridge to nowhere’ financial facts misrepresentin’, hair placed in several up positions rockin’, plane ebay sellin’, 4 errr 5 kids havin’, shotgun wedding endorsin’, Nature’s Valley Granola Bar kid namin’, running the point b-ballin’, not to mention yes yallin’ chick right here.

Awwww, who woulda thunk it.  A country girl, with a bad attitude, decent proportions (for 44) and kick ass reputation is under investigation for living out a real life “Somebody’s Sleeping In My Bed” scenario behind the back of her woefully less impressive Hubby.

And my man on the left doesn’t look too confident either. ha

Shoot, now I see how she got so cross-eyed, she’s over here trying to check out every Tom, Brick and Berry in town.  And I hate to say it, but it’s really freak 101 and anyone who has dealt with a freak and somehow gotten the history knows this to be true, but freak nasty runs in the family yall.  And if you don’t know, you better ax somebody.

Now we’re hearing that the fam was all up in arms when Bristol finally told them she was preggers.  I can imagine how that conversation went.

A true classic.  Not saying she banged out ole Not Mr. Palin either….I’m just saying, this is how she rolled in the 80’s.

And, no, I don’t think this is a photoshop.  ha

– Lake

Palin is a Pitbull in a Skirt

September 3, 2008

Hey, I pretty much dislike most everything she stands for and she’s lied about Barack Obama thoroughly throughout the entire speech, but I must admit, Sarah Palin is hard and somehow still likable.

I thought John McCain was going away from attacks, jabs, ridicule and overall negativity.  Surprise, surprise, the Republicans are up to their old tricks.

Game on muthafuckers….GAME ON!

Guns, Liquor and Unprotected Sex – Sarah Palin is an American Hero!

September 3, 2008

You gotta hand it to those Republicans.  They said they wanted a buzz and dammit, they got their buzz.

This Sarah Palin shit is about as good as it gets.  Her selection by McSame W. Bush was met with confusion.

Hell, most of the Republicans I know thought she didn’t have the qualifications to be a Vice Presidential Candidate.  See, they didn’t have their little sound bytes and talking points ready defend Palin beyond pointing out that she likes guns, moose burgers and Amurica.

So when the revelations of how her ineffective policy positions were biting her own family in the ass, you knew it would take them a day or so to figure out how to spin it.  And just like we all knew they would, the Republicans have used some more of their twisted logic to actually spin this Bristol Palin is Pregnant into a positive pro life position that has turned into “Sarah Palin is a HERO!”  A Hero?  Is that what you call a mother who preaches responsibility to your child, but can’t control her own?  Is that what you call someone who tells us just to tell your kids “just say no to dack and cat” but who can’t stop her daughter from throwing so much tail that her friends thought she was pregnant not once, but TWICE?!  Really, are these the actions of a capable “Pro Life” candidate?  I didn’t know getting your freak on in an Igloo with some Captain Morgan in your cup and weed in your lungs was an expression of “Pro Life” values, but you’ve definitely got my attention now that I’ve heard that it could be.  Peep Bristol’s myspace act.

haaaa, I know, I know, it’s just one picture, right?  Hmmm, let’s see if Bristol gets her drink on as much as she gets her spank on.

Oh yeah, wait, is that Genesse Beer?

LOL.  Let me just say that if you take this many pictures in front of liquor and they’ve found their way onto the internet, you aren’t too worried about Governor Mommy Amurica finding out that you sip the sizzurp.  But that’s family values right?  Of course it is.  And enough about this dude Levi and his plans to marry Bristol just because he put one on goal.  I mean, look at the cat.

He looks like Adam Morrison’s Mini Me.

And yes, that is Bristol Palin strapped up with not one, but two gats.  Trench Coat Mafia move over.  What the fuck?  What, they have sex, get their drink on and then do a drive by?  Oh, I know, this isn’t that kind of gun totting, this is wholesome teenage “extra circular” activity, right?  They’re sportsman enjoying the great outdoors by killing whatever they see.  I get it.  And I’m loving those jeans young Levi has on, too.  Very stylish.  Hey Levi, why not start by getting yourself, well, some Levis!  On Levi Johnston’s myspace page, he described himself as “a fucking redneck” and judging from this pic, I believe him.  I just want to know since when have “fucking rednecks” rocked fat laces and an Adam Morrison wig/hat combo?

I know Levi, I’m just an asshole, believe me, you’ll get used to it.  Hey, I’m starting to like these Republicans and their version of “family values.”  Best I can tell, you can do anything you want as long as you say you’re Anti-Abortion and Anti-Gay marriage and it’s just all good.  But just let me get this Republican values system straight.  When I bang chicks out raw dog, which really is the best way, that’s Pro Life.  But when I responsibly strapped up with a condom thereby avoiding an unwanted preggers, that’s not in accord with “Amurica’s core values”?  Well shit, where do I sign up?  I love the Republicans.  They definitely let me know there’s a place for my philandering ass in that “big tent” they have over there.  I even saw John McSame As Bush getting Republican Jiggy with some Pro Life Honeys.

I’m with it.

– Lake

Kate Moss is Golden

September 3, 2008

Back in the day I wasn’t really a Kate Moss dude.  The skinny chick didn’t do it for me.  In the mid-90’s vintage Anna Nicole was more my speed when it came to in vogue white models of the time.  (I’m talking Guess Jeans ad “Texas thick” Anna Nicole, not sloppy “Texas Rich” Anna Nicole.)

So Kate Moss has been made into the largest gold sculpture since sculptures in ancient Egypt.  It is called “Siren”.  Quite an honor.

The artist Mark Quinn said he wanted to capture the quintessential beauty of the moment.  Once again, I’m not really sure Kate Moss is that babe, but we’ll roll with it for the sake of argument.  Look at the close up.  Looks like a classy affair, right?  Wrong.

Is this dude serious?  He’s got Kate Moss in the reverse Hucklebuck like this some sort of porn show.  My bad, my bad, this is a “yoga position”.  Sure thing.  By the way, the camera man that chose this angle just earned a few perv points as well.  There hasn’t been anything this wild since the Britney Spears pregnant doggy style sculpture.

You know the messed up thing?  400 years from now, when all the hard drives have failed, all the disks are scratched, and all the data is long lost, this huge piece of gold will probably be the only evidence of today’s society.  We’ll all be skinny, expressionless practicers of the kama sutra.  That and the history of the Bush White House.  That legendary performance will be passed from generation to generation like a fable.  Great.

-Brock

Sellout: Joe Lieberman is a clown

September 2, 2008

I’m sitting here listening to turncoat Lieberman at the Republican National Convention as he gets this two clap “sexual chocolate” level applause.

What an idiot.  This dude came onto the stage and immediately started to talk about how political parties are hurtful to the democratic process.  Did anybody tell this dude that he was at a political convention?! Now he’s talking about how good Bill Clinton was…haaaaa this is like bizzaro world.  Republicans clapping for Bill Clinton, ones of convention participants clapping for Joe Lieberman…grandma hitting the heavy bag.  The dog taking the cat out for a walk.  This shit is just weird.  What a joke.  I mean, seriously, I’m looking at this dude’s face and even he knows he’s bullshit. He’s got that “why am I here again?” expression too.  I know, I know, John McCain is an independent man, a maverick.

That’s why he picked a “radical right hero” as his running mate, something that was clearly a purely political move?  Hey JOE!  Why are you throwing your support behind Palin, a person you disagree with on abortion rights, gay rights and pretty much every other social issue.  You don’t even know her and she has no experience of your oh so important “war on terror.”  You’re a phony and a piece of shit!  Hopefully you get what you deserve when your punk ass gets back to Washington or Connecticut, or wherever you go.

Fucker, beat it.

– Lake

Republican Family Values: John Mac Chooses Ice Milf With Issues

September 2, 2008

Who knew so much could happen over such a short period of time. I’m a bit behind given my 5 day weekend and you’d essentially have to be living under a damn rock to have missed this, but to counter Barack Obama’s 38 Million Viewers on Thursday night, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Jeez.  Where do I start?  When I heard they picked the Governor from Alaska, I was pretty much shocked, then confused, then honestly, I just laughed. One thing I really appreciate about the Republicans is how disrespectful they are to those whom they claim to actually represent.  It’s not that they think Americans are stupid, they KNOW we are and continue to act like it.  In some weird way, I like that about them.  But even most of my Republican friends admitted to me that they didn’t see this Harriet Myers special 2.0 coming.  Sarah Palin?  The chick hasn’t been in the Governor’s mansion for more than 20 months and already she’s under investigation for trying to fire her sister’s ex hubby, but she’s “Ready To Lead Amurica with integrity”?  Puulease…  I mean, who’s running that campaign over there, the Tranny from I Want To Work For Diddy?

First, Barack Obama starts whipping your ass in the polls, so McCain and company put their thinking caps on and come up with the concept that he’s “too popular to lead.”

Perfect.  That makes sense.  A cat who is trying to gain in popularity so he can win an election is now getting criticized for being popular.  I completely get that.  Next they cook up this tasty VP choice which is one part Republican Family Values play, one part Hillary Femi-Nazi pandering.

Right, because those pro Hillary women aren’t going to get that Palin basically stands in stark opposition to each and every position Hillary Clinton holds.  Nah, they just care that she’s rolling with breasts and a vagina….Come on now, she’s Pro Igloo, Anti Abortion Rights, Anti Sex Education (even though her daughter takes more Nordic Dack than a female Moose in heat), Pro Winter, Anti Seal and Pro Gun!  How’s that going to motivate Hillary Democrats?  Oh no, I know, they think that men are suddenly going to forget that they’re sexist and vote for her because she’s got such solid Milf appeal, right?

(Maybe it’s just me, but something aint right about this chick in the eyes)

And hell no I’m not impressed that she was the second runner up in the “Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant” back in the 80’s.  She’s decent looking, no question, but did yall see who actually won the crown that year?

Let’s face it, it’s Alaska.  The standard aint that high.  Borat had tighter hoes back home than Carlos Boozer ever saw before he went to college.  Plus, the babes have to stay inside half the damn year.  Trust me, they aint just burning whale blubber and eating baby seal to keep warm, either.  Shoot, I knew a chick from Alaska in college and all she wanted to go is get freaky.  Shit, sex is more popular in Alaska than hockey pucks, ice fishing and meth all combined.  That’s why Palin has 4 errr 5 kids and her daughter has 2 errrr 1 errrr a baby on the way.

That’s right, her 17 year old daughter, Bristol Palin, you know the one who is benefiting from all those advanced “prayer based” forms of contraception, has allowed Jesus, with the help of her boyfriend “Twig,” to place an original sin inspired brick of Chunky Monkey in her belly piece and if you believe the blogs out here, this aint the first time either.

That Belly bump on the far right is no joke. Hey Bristol, just a little advice, when you live in Alaska where there is 24 hours of darkness for 4 months straight, “girl Imma make luv to you to the break of dawn” might not be such a good motif to go by.

And now they’re on that, “she’s in the process of marrying her boyfriend”..   Oh course she is.  After all, nothing says “conservative values” like doubling down on an already fucked up situation by marrying the pimpled-faced, Igloo Eagle Scout who knocked you up in the first place.

Ha, supposedly this is the dude right here.  Oh yeah, he’s definitely got that “I’m about to marry that 17 year old chick I don’t really like because her mom needs me to in order to justify her ‘do as I say, not as I do’ political agenda.”  It’s all in the eyes, he’s ready to do his duty for Amurica.  AHNT

I know, I know, this Palin choice was “fully vetted” and you GOP types were there when ole Twig was laying that Alaskan lumber to young Bristol.  You knew all along that because of her mom’s political views, she’d be forced into the international spotlight as the very personification of your hypocritical and ineffective policy positions.  Yep, she too is ready to take that bullet for Amurica…riiiight.  haaaa

Even Cindy thinks you fuked this one up buddy.

All I can say is that I know for damn sure the Republicans are lucky Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast today and provided a little cover.  Shiiiiit, that gave them the time they needed to get their stories straight.  Did you see how quickly they canceled all their shit?  Kind of reminded me how quick I was back in my school days to let someone else present first when I knew good and well I hadn’t done shit for that science project.  Oh they’ll tell you they knew about this all along, but saying you knew a 17 year old was preggers is just a bold faced lie.

One thing that’s for sure, this guarandamntees that I’ll be watching Gov. Palin’s speech this week.  Let me guess what she’ll say, this is “a family matter” and her family “needs time to deal with this, blah, blah blah, prayer, this isn’t political, but MY DAUGHTER IS KEEPING THE BABY because we respect life!!!!” haaaaaaa   I love it.

You know what the Republicans should do?  Keep Palin, dump McCain and nominate R. Kelly for President of the United States.

Now hold on, just think about it.   It’d be all pandering, all the time.  After all, is there a more religious man than R?  Shoot, Jesus stays up in his songs, so the religious right will be happy.  Then you’d be able to run him to black folks like he’s that viable alternative to Barack…right?  That ought to make this historic run even more classy….  Then, and this is the kicker, we know he likes them young girls, so he’s literally be able to bang out Palin’s daughter “til the break of dawn,” six months of darkness or not!  And that’s before he offered to keep her warm while “piss on you” played in the background, right?  What, no go?  ha

– Lake

——————-UPDATE————————

Are her kids really named Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig?  Jeez.  Those sound like Paint colors…or wood finishes.  What were Saddle, Rumpus, Vault, Rudder and Twist already taken?  Are these kids or Transformers?  This is great.  The only better thing would be if the pregnant one was Piper.  No, not because Piper is 7.  Because a pregnant teen named Piper is funnier.  You know nominal presidposition to actually getting “piped”.  My Bad.

-Brock

Oh No, Not Rihanna in Mom Jeans!!!!

August 28, 2008

Dammit!!!!!  The year was 2000 and young Lake made a run to the lovely country of Brazil.  When he got there, all he saw were lovely young women rocking low slung, hip hugger jeans.

He couldn’t believe what he saw and immediately wondered when American women would get with the program and adopt the South American jean concept (along with a few other things).

And if you haven’t been, yes, even the mannequins got ass in Bra-zee.  Anyway, it’s no shock how happy I was when I started seeing all the mothers, sisters, and oh yes, DAUGHTERS break that fashion glass ceiling and put their arses into these superior jeans like the founders intended!

You gotta love it and while it wasn’t without the occasional complication:

The shit was mostly all to the good.  And I tell you, it enhanced EVERYBODY.  I don’t know what it is, but that low hip looks right on all body types.

Or at least all the ones I looked at.

Well now it seems that chicks are really trying to fuck my game up.  That high hip may be in fashion, but damn fashion, I gotta live in this world!  Take Rihanna’s non dancing ass for instance.  Sure, she’s been looking damn good lately, but she’s setting up some shit that aint good for me and quite honestly, aint good for America.

Hey Ri Ri…my 7th grade class called and they want their jeans back (and dat azz while you’re at it, thx).

Even Barack took a moment away from his message of change and asked Ri Ri to quit the shit when I sent him the pic of Rihanna with the mom jeans.

And Hillary, she didn’t get it at all.

I mean, why would Rihanna do this to our country?  I know she’s from Turks and Cake Cos, Aruba, Cuba, somethin’, but still, she stays kicking it the US of A.  She owes it to us all to set the proper example and keep the rise low!  I know, I know, it’s not big deal, it’s just what’s “in” right now.  Sure, that’s what they said about the do rag:

The curl:

And dammit, the cornrow.

By the way, just between you and me, what’s worse?  The White Dude Corn Row or the White Dude Dreadlock?

All can be seen, not now, but RIGHT NOW, in every city in America.  But it will be far worse with the high jeans, hell, it’s already terrible.

I mean, what is that?  This is a very attractive woman, but she just looks crazy in this pic.  The ripped up stomach doesn’t even lay right in those pants.  It’s just all wrong.

If stars look this bad to lackluster in these pants, how do you think Sally Sue American is gonna look?  It’s a debacle.  I just don’t get it. But I’d be lying if I said it was all bad.

Because Ri Ri’s tizzail is liking right right in those jeans.  Dammit.  By the time this style goes away, all the babes I know will literally be looking like this.

There’s no hope.

– Lake

Rant: Parking Lots

August 27, 2008

I haven’t done a “what the hell is this” rant in a while.  I’ve got to hit this one though.

Who are the assholes that back into parking spots?  Why do you do it?  I think I honestly almost hit one of these people at least once a week.  Why?  Because they pull past the spot, passing it, before they get into the spot.  Either I’m assuming they are going to continue to keep it moving, or I’m about to take the spot they just passed.  Either way it pisses me off.  Another thing.  If these people back into every parking spot they come across, why can’t they drive well enough not to hang over the damn line into the next parking space?  If you are going to be all extra with it, at least do it right.  That’s like the cat on the golf course that can’t play but insists from playing from the damn pro tees.  Don’t do something you don’t have to do then suck at it.  Ok?  Thanks.

I’ve even seen people try to back into those angled spaces that are perfectly designed to drive right into.  You end up pointing the wrong way!  That is just idiotic.

Someone out there is a parking spot backer. Admit it and please tell me why you are doing what you’re doing.  Help me please.

-Brock