Archive for the ‘hoes’ Category

Say It Aint So: Did Eliot Hit This?

March 28, 2008

We all know Eliot Spitzer hit a panoply of hoes over the past couple of decades, but now the Feds are linking him to yet another prostitution ring and some are even saying her got personal service from the organization’s ring leader, Kristin “Billie” Davis.

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And no, that is not some photoshopped, frosted out picture.  That’s really what this chick looks like.  I don’t get it. How do you go from smooth Ashley Dupre to this plastic looking she-he thing?

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Better but still not right. I don’t get the fasination some dudes have with plastic broads. I hate the fake J, hate the bottled blond hair and definitely can’t stand the Mt. Rushmore grill piece with the 4 layers of polyurethane shellacked up on top of a gallon of liquid foundation.

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Yeah, yeah, if you catch those breasts at the right angle you might think they’re tight. I get that but that face is just terrible at any angle. Her nose is Hungry Man skrong and that extra edged and etched Jaw piece is a Rumer Willis special.

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Hey, I know Eliot has shown some horrible judgement, but you don’t go from hitting this:

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Damn, let’s get another Ashley Dupre shot in there.

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Last one:

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Damn.. I can’t lie, this chick is fine. Ok, now I’ve sufficiently cleansed my palate for that horrible tranny (sorry Roxy Rose) looking babe.

– Lake

Playgirl Magazine Wants Eliot Spitzer

March 21, 2008

LOL… Jeez. This is just so sad for my home state Gobner. Like seriously, I can’t take it anymore. According to Playgirl.com, they’d like to do an All Nude Eliot Spitzer spread with all the fixins. But I know a way to save them the trouble.

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Satisfied ladies? OK, now I’m embarrassed. Meanwhile, the legend of Ashley Alexandra Dupre grows. Supposedly she was so wild during her Girls Gone Wild shoot that the camera crew dumped her.

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You know you’re really whoring it up when those cats think you took shit too far. Poor Silda. Jeesh.

– Lake

Spitzer’s Pro Shows Some Shake

March 20, 2008

I didn’t put this up before because of the terrible background commentary and because I was really waiting on the clean video to drop. But the people have spoken and they want to see what ole Ashley Dupree is working with. Well, plenty…

Damn, ya think ole girl would be good at what she does? I’m not certain, but after that I think we can all safely say that we understand what Sisqo (by the way, who names themselves after a bootleg, terrible ass liquor?) meant when he said “I like it when the booty go dada dada” in the Thong Song. Lordy.

Larry Flynt take the wheel…. And yes, I know that Joe Francis, owner of Girls Gone Wild, offered her a cool $1 Million for a nude expose before he realized that he had the chick in his ho archives. Ohhh, so close.

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Look, if the babe wants to make money, I’ve got the perfect idea. Hire a Eliot Spitzer look-a-like who can’t act a lick. Do a full on re-enactment of the whole ordeal, I mean from the wire transfers to the reservations to the phone calls and train rides to the sex acts. Do the whole thing up.. And then just market that bitch like a mufucka with Ashley and Fake Spitz as the stars. Don’t tell me EVERYONE won’t watch that. Sheeeit, if they do it right, every degenerate porn addict will have it permanently enshrined in their voluminous collection. But you have to give it a cool title like, “Swallow then Spitz.” Ha, ok, that title is terrible, but you get my drift. But the full-on porno re-enactment is coming. Just wait. Once she squeezes every single dime out of the “legitimate” money making options like her memoir (can a ho have a memoir?) and talk show appearances, then she’ll get back to what she does best.

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Exploiting her body and whoring the place up for a cheap buck. I can’t lie, the babe is pretty good looking. We’ll link up that porno when it comes out because we all know it will. And when it does, I want my cut for the idea.. On second thought, yall can keep that money. Even a certified arse like me has his limitations. Keep that ho money.

– Lake

Eliot “Money Pay” Spitzer Hit This

March 19, 2008

Dammit, is it just me or is this chick getting better looking with each released photo? I said it. Incidentally, click this link right HERE for the musical accompaniment to this post, Youz A Ho, Ludacris.

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Unless that fool in the back is hiding a G in his Jamz he needs to back up off the merchandise.

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Realistically, what would it have cost him to hit that night. You know she won’t whore in any old dump, so let’s say $350 for the highest end Jersey Shore Hotel. Then you add $200 the hotel would later add to his tab for those stolen minibar snacks and mini liquor bottles. I know, I know, a scrub like this wouldn’t even have a credit card to to put on hold for incidentals, I know, just humor him err me. You know that she’d mark up that cab ride, normally $10, to $50 and then $1,000 for the deed itself. Oh don’t worry, lubrication and condoms are included….What, you thought they wouldn’t be? Come on, she’s a professional.

So let’s summarize:

$ 350
$ 200
$ 50
$1000
____________
$1,600 Subtotal
$ 320 20% Standard Gratuity for Ho Activities

$1,920 Grand total

So there you have it. That’s what it would have taken for this clown to get some tail out of Kristin Ashley Rae Maika Alexandra Youmans Dupree DiPietro that night. Damn, you know a babe is shady when she’s got that many names. Meanwhile, I’ll put any amount of money on this chick having some D list boyfriend before summer starts. Publicity stunt no doubt, but it will make for some decent blogging. My guess right now is Steve-O from Jackass.

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Why not, right? Nobody cares what he does as is, it’s good for headlines and you know she knows how to satisfy…. Go get it brother.

– Lake

Spitzer’s Hooker Is About To Be Famous!!!

March 13, 2008

Meet rebellious runaway, turned aspiring R&B singer, turned Elliot Spitzer’s last hoe Ashley Youmans aka Ashley Rae Maika DiPierto aka Ashley Alexandra Dupre aka Kristen from the Emperor’s Club VIP.

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And yes, that is an interesting shirt she has on with that right J game creeping out, fighting for respectability….but we’ll get to that later.

Anyway, this babe right here is a piece of work. You KNOW you’re dealing with a scandalous, low arse, bottom feeding hizzoe when approximately two days after a sex scandal rocks the state of New York and not even 24 hours after the Chief Executive of one of the most influential governmental bodies in the world resigns, this chick’s name and pictures are suddenly plastered all over the internet. Can you say Cha-Ching?

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And come to find out, this chick is an aspiring R&B singer. You know what they say, no publicity is bad publicity, especially if you’ve been turning tricks to pay your rent since you were 17 years old. So after she got done fucking the Governor, getting paid, getting caught and testifying, I’m sure ole Ashley was like, “hey, this is my big break!!!” And she’s probably right. Wasn’t it Confucius that said “one man’s ruined political career, life and family is another 22-year old hoes’ shot of a lifetime?” That Confucius, always right about stuff like this.

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Well, one thing I must say, I’m glad to finally know what a $5,000 piece of ass looks like. Check ole Ashley getting her extended hoe game on in St. Tropez:

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I can’t lie. She appears to have everything you want in a high-priced hooker.

1. Concave stomach piece, check

2. Beautiful breast-tah-sis, check

3. Mediterranean/Sorta Rican tan piece, check

4. Fairly revealing swim wear, check

5. Presence in a foreign country that she has no business visiting but for the fact that she’s charging men exorbitant amounts of jack so that she can do coke, drink cristal, fuck and still have a few pennies to put away for her “singing career,” CHECK

And what about that singing career. Let me tell you, it’s real bad. Check her song “What We Want.” <——The Irony of it all.

Look, let’s just say that she wouldn’t be going to Hollywood on American Idol unless she was blowing Simon during the commercial breaks, which given what this chick is all about, is fairly likely.

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My thing about this babe is that she almost looks like a shape changer. I mean, at one point she’s got the full-on, now you see me, now you don’t Tucan Sam schnauzer-beak piece going:

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Then the next thing you know she’s rocking the smoothed out strawberry blond look with the even skin and non-offensive proboscis:

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Damn, the home wrecker looks kind of good here, I must admit. What’s the difference, besides Cocaine nose on the first one and Dr. 90210 nose on the second. Still, baby girl is a chameleon, but I guess the ability to change up one’s look is a valuable commodity in the hoe game. Anyway, peep what she had to say on her myspace page about her life below:

“When I was 17, I left home. It was my decision and I’ve never looked back. Left my hometown. Left a broken family. Left abuse. Left an older brother who had already split. Left and learned what it was like to have everything, and lose it, again and again. Learned what it was like to wake up one day and have the people you care about most gone. I have been alone. I have abused drugs. I have been broke and homeless. But, I survived, on my own. I am here, in NY because of my music.”

Right, your music. Talk about “fucking for tracks.” Jeez. And where does she get this enlightened grip on the real world, why from Mom of course…Yes, her Mom, Carolyn Capalbo has weighed in on this matter.

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Peep her act:

“She is a very bright girl who can handle someone like the governor (huh?) But she also is a 22-year-old, not a 32-year-old or a 42-year-old, and she obviously got involved in something much larger than her.”

Ya think? Anyway, I would say that this babe has had her 15 minutes of shameful fame and now she’s done, but I know better. People Magazine, 60 Minutes, Larry King and maybe even Good Morning America will be knocking in no time. And you know that “memoir” is already into production. I know, I know, you already had been writing a memoir about your life in the hoe game…

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Believe me, you didn’t have to tell me, because I already knew.

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You know your post is over when the hizzie throws you the double “peace out” sign. Kristen errr Ashley, can’t wait to see ya on 60 Minutes girl. I wonder if she’ll make any cracks about Easy E’s “love making” or those “dangerous requests” to hit this broad raw dog.

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Elliot, please homey, wrap it up, especially with the hoes…..thx.

-Lake

Photos of Elliot Spitzer’s Alleged ‘Tutes

March 12, 2008

These are a few shots of the babes Easy E allegedly banged out for upwards of 5 stacks!!! Yo, I still can’t get over that. Anyway, you tell me how much these hoes are worth.

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Normally I’d say that with hoes, it’s like strippers, it’s just all about the body, but if you’re dropping 5 stacks, she better be tight from head to pink toe. Sorry, but this chick doesn’t quite make the grade. If I’m Elliot I’d hit her with a couple Arby’s gift certificates and a Baby Phat sweat suit en route to the ass tappities. No dough.

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Hmmmm, I feel like Randy Jackson from last night’s Idol episode. This just isn’t doing it for me. I mean, I’m seeing absolutely nothing that screams “Make it Rain on this hoe”.. I know “Client 9” allegedly banged out an “attractive brunette” but I hope homey didn’t lose it all over this broad. Next.

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Damn, this babe is bangin like a Greg Paulus 3 pointer. I’m not a proponent of pay for play Elliot style, but if you’re gonna pay for it, do it right. And this babe aint a bad start. Those lips are great, hair looks real and the overall face is very decent. I fear that there’s limited to negative ass behind those jeans, but hey, that J to waist ratio is looking very right. All I can hope is that she dyed her hair or rocked a wig while Spitz shat away his career. I mean, if you’re going to lose it all over a hoe, might as well get your money’s worth. Do I lie?

– Lake

Spitzer is out, David Patterson in as NY’s Governor

March 12, 2008

It’s just a matter of time. Elliot “Mess” Spitzer lost his damn mind with this transfer of lootchy for hoez foolishness. Now he’s basically got no choice but to resign from office.

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I mean, for real.. Who’s worse, Craig from Friday for getting fired on his day off for stealing boxes on camera or Elliot moving 5 large for some NYC ass he happened to want to get at before Valentines Day?

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Oh yeah, it’s Easy E going away. At least Craig never admitted any wrongdoing. Elliot sure did. And what about that timing of the night before V-Day? Hell, he might have been knee deep in some premium tail as the clock truck midnight.

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What a way to usher in that holiday. Fuck candy and flowers, E was having it his way. Now when I wrote my scheme for getting over on Valentines Day, nowhere did I say to wire a G’s worth of loot cakes for a hizzie, and 4 more on travel expenses, hotel and lubrication. That’s not pimp, it’s just stupid.

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So in the span of 24 hours, homey has gone from one of the top 3 or 4 elected official in these United States to “Daddy, please don’t bring your ho mongering ass to my recital, I HATE YOU.” That’s a pretty ugly fall. And what about the reverberations?  This little snafu will end up being historic not only for the running of hoes, but also because it will bring New York’s first black Governor into office!

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My inside sources in Albany tell me that for his first official act in political office, David Patterson will be getting an edge up at a local barber shop.

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I certainly hope so, damn.

– Lake

Study: 1 Out of 4 US Teens Have an STD

March 12, 2008

Damn, something about that doesn’t seem right, but then again there is this:

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So I guess it all makes sense:

You know who is really pissed off? This dude.

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Then again, I guess if all he wants to do is pee on chicks, he’s ok from distance.

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Ha, yes I’m an asshole. But this time it’s for a good cause.

– Lake

Freaks, skeezers and Hoes: It’s Big Brother 9 time

February 19, 2008

Ha, I know some of you loved that old school “Skeezer’ blast I just laid on you. Oh, there’s more where that came from. Originally, this post was called, Racism (Ryan), Drama (Amanda and Joshuah) and Hoes: It’s Big Brother Time, but it just got too long. Hey, hoes take time, attention and commitment. So here I give you a fully dedicated post about the Hoes of Big Brother 9. What’s crazy is that it’s literally impossible to get all the crazy pics of these chicks into one post. I mean, Big Brother Casting did a phenomenal job this time. Take a bow people.

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Dude, where do I begin? Are yall watching this season of Big Brother? I know it was designed more as a stop gap to offset against the writer’s strike, but this is just top shelf on the melodrama scale. Let’s see what we’ve learned thus far:

1. Sluts rule

A. Ho Number 1 – Natalie

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In my first post on this season I talked about how hyped I was on this chick Natalie. She gives a whole new meaning to the term Jesus Freak.

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I loved how she invoked Jesus’ name immediately, while flaunting her ample enhancements for all to see.

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Turns out, the chick has a bunch of nice pics for us to look at, in fact, I’ll need to give her a separate post. In the meantime though, check her out hooking up the freaky massage to her Big Brother appointed “soulmate” Matt.

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Anyway, it’s hard to top the blatant and very appreciated hypocrisy she’s brought to the table, that was, until she gave her partner and Handjob and Blowjob within 2 days of knowing him and before the second episode was aired! Peep how she got started (actually this is the long version with everything).

Vodpod videos no longer available.Now see how she ahem finished him off (if you want to cut to the uhh chase, here’s the ending).

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Aww what the hell, here is another reverse angle complete with slurping and gargling (I’m not kidding):

Dude, she did it right too. She woke homey up, got him all revved up and then really finished the thing as evidenced by his expression when it was over.

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I especially appreciate how Matt turned his head away when she tried to kiss him. HA.. Full on pimp. By my count, that makes 3 mic checks and it hasn’t even been a full week in the house! I love this girl and boy does she love to take pictures of her half-naked body.

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Seriously, THIS CHICK IS AWESOME. Just look at her! LOL. I mean, buck ass naked in yet another picture and believe, there are literally hundreds where that came from. I’m still interested in this Jesus angle, though. I mean, what congregation does this broad belong to, Church of the Righteous Cutlery?

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Ok, I admit it, I just wanted to post a picture of God touching her boob.. You got me. I think I’m in love.

B. Ho Number 2 – Sheila

Not only did this chick do Penthouse and fuck with all kinds of D list celebs including Chachi from Happy Days, she also did soft core porn.

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This shot is classic!!! Oh yes, she is a dead up porn star in the filthy skin rag and on what I assume was the little screen.

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I can’t decide if this is terrible or awesome. I can’t lie thought, “ma” was attractive back in the day. Is there any doubt that she’d be hooking up righteous cut sessions and microphone checkers if she wasn’t paired with THIS dude?

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Ha, if these not safe for work pics (found HERE) are accurate..ha…and clearly they are, I think we can all safely assume that we know the answer to that question. Damn, I can’t lie, Sheila was sexy back in the day, DAMN!

C. Ho Number 3 – Jen

Well, it’s not totally fair to call Jen a ho. She’s more annoying than anything else. The bottom line, however, is that she really sucks at this game. The chick entered into the house with a major advantage, the fact that she had her boyfriend, Ryan, right there with her.

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Sure, the twist made everything harder, but only because they couldn’t keep it together. Jen should have stayed cool and kept her relationship a secret when the TMZ paparazzo, Parker, wanted to vote Ryan off.

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Then they’d still be in the running for the half mil rather getting what I assume will be the collar tonight. Whatever problems they had as a result of Allison’s crazy ass and I agree, she is pretty unstable and crazy, were self-induced.

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No matter how you slice it, Jen is a classic butter face with a flair for the dramatic. I can’t lie, her body is on-point right now, so I’ll give her some respect for that. But baby girl really needs to work on that personality. I mean, self-promotion, flat-stomach and sex drive aside, what do you have with that chick?

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Oh and Ryan, watch out for that girl. She doesn’t strike me as the faithful type. After all, she did dime you out for being a racist. Now why would Ryan be a racist, oh, that’s right, he banged his girl for all of 90 seconds and you allegedly have a problem with some black boyfriend she used to have that to quote one of my favorite readers in Nevada was “laying the pipe”…

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No wonder you don’t like interracial relationships, if my lady had been hittin off brothers and I couldn’t fuck, I wouldn’t like them either. But it’s got to make you wonder, what is it about Parker they thought she’d like… think long and hard on that one player…

Anyway, I think Jen was actually ready to tell the whole house that she and Ryan were together because they wanted to get their open cut on. And cut they did, Peep it.

That “Just bend me over (said TWICE)” was pretty aggressive. I like it.

D. Ho Number 4, Amanda

I actually like Amanda a lot. Not because of her personality or anything, but she’s got a hot body.

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She’s also sporting the New Day white woman ass.

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Not the best angle, but trust me, it’s there. I also appreicated how the other chicks in the house were hating on her for rocking the booty shorts all the time. I can’t lie, they were literally up past her ass piece, showing full cheek. Nice. Big Brother casting really got this one right this time. She’s hella annoying, but I like her for that solid new day tail piece. And boy, does she ever show it too. If the blogs have it right, she’s crazy with some wild disorder and is trying to sex up Parker.

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Pimpulate my player…

Hey, I’ve got a lot more to write on the Hoes of Big Brother 9, but I just can’t do it anymore. I mean, for real, there actually might be too much sexual eye candy and tension in this household. It’s so obviously coming, but I just can’t wait for the “Big twist” which allows people to swap soulmates, so these hoes can get their freak on with other cats…Should be good.

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Thank you CBS…thank you.

– Lake