Archive for the ‘Entertainment’ Category

Yo Joe! Snake Eyes is Back?!?!

March 21, 2008

Growing up I was more of a Transformers guy than a G.I. Joe guy, but there was always one thing I remembered. Whenever it was time to play G.I. Joe out in the woods, everyone wanted to be Snake Eyes.

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He dressed in all black, he never said a word, he was a freaking ninja. A ninja with a gun. Talk about unfair. Jumping out of trees, sneaking up on people, you get ninja stars as standard equipment, then if things got too gangster…he’d just shoot your ass like everyone else.

So the new G.I. Joe movie is coming out and Ray Park, the dude who played Darth Maul, one of the other famous bad asses of movie history is playing Snake Eyes in the movie.

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That is pure Batman meets whoop that ass right there.

-Brock

MTB4, Season 2, Episodes 5: Aubrey gets pimped

March 5, 2008

Ok, so I know all our loyal readers were pissed at me last week when I failed to deliver the goods on that Episode 5 of Making the Band 4, Season 2. Hey, what can I say, I should have come through and didn’t. Even perfection takes a day off from time to time. Anyway, though I should be writing a book about lasts week’s show because it was that good, I’ll just give it minor love and keep the thang moving with Episode 6 dropping in about 8 hours or so.

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Clearly last week’s show was all about that damn Den Mother nonsense. It was pretty funny how Puff hit him with those critical questions:

“Do you know Danity Kane?”

“Does your gaydar tell you Q is gay or is not gay?”

“Hmm, well you know who I am though, right?”….. LOL. The only thing that would have made it better would be if he hit him with that “Of course, you starred in Ray, you’re Will Smith.”

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But he didn’t. What can you do? I liked what Big Mike showed me in reaction to that whole thing.

“This guy is A MAN, and he wants to be called Den Mother…I don’t git dat..ut uh.”

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See, that was believable. Now the other cats talking all loud about how “he has to go” and showing out in the van ride that one time, I ooown know. To be honest, they kind of pushed me the other way on it. It’s always that semi suspect cat who is talking the most shit about an innocuous gay cat who just happens to be in his presence.

I can’t lie though, that pool trick they pulled was pretty much what the Dr. ordered.

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Mike played it masterfully, it’s just too bad homey was in a shallow pool… I wanted to see him ass submerged and flailing like the cat he is…but what can you do?

Meanwhile, we got that little flashback from the ladies and their “Den Mother” incident… Now I watched Making the Band 3 and I don’t remember that Her-cu-les level clown causing a ruckus, banging out pots and pans and such. What I did make note of, however, was how hot Aubrey looked in those flashback pictures..

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Yes, I know that’s airbrushed, but this one aint:

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Dammit, now that’s what I’m talking about. I loved that young, fresh Aubrey… Many cocaine bumps and far too many weaves later, I feel like I don’t even know this Aubrey.

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Baby girl, take those ridiculous headbands off, cut out that weave (you don’t need it), get some easy breezy cover girl natural looking face paint and get off them carbs!

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You were looking less than tight during that run. I mean, what’s Aubrey without the smooth stomach? That’s her trademark. Just because you’ve got the Roger Clemens enhanced rack that doesn’t mean you need to go with the Rocket inspired enhanced stomach to boot. Appearance matters in your business, tighten it up.

Then of course, we had this week in “What the fuck is Aubrey talking about?”

This time it was her crazy rhetoric about how the songs they got weren’t right. I did love how that cat was hitting her with that low music industry level rhetoric as he reclined on that wild pool chair and basically gave her no burn.

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Please note the bullshit sunglasses rocked at night. Ha. I really appreciate a solid dick move and this guy has it down. I liked that “do you know how many artists have made this mistake?” rhetoric he came with later. “You went platinum, you can’t complain about nothing”…..sure. They did go plat, but where’s the guap my man? On your wrist because it sure as hell aint going to Aubrey’s weave fund.

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Dammit can that wig piece get any more ridiculous looking? Anybody ever wonder what happens to the women who actually grow these weaves out? Anyway…

Then Aubrey came with the classic, “I feel like this is a pimp and hoe relationship, I’m the hoe and I feel like I just got pimped.” Well, that will tend to happen when you project this:

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I know, I know, this is empowering. It’s not about men, it was for YOU… your sexuality and embracing who you really are on the inside…uh huh.. If I call Playboy up will you move the hands?

Dude, the best thing about her “I’m a hoe” epiphany is that Aubrey unlocked the basic premise for all these fledgling groups. Puff is a pimp and no question, all yall cats are his hoes. You think you’re getting over when he puts you up in that Miami mansion, gets that studio time and flies in all those producers, only he’s not paying for that shit ultimately, YOU ARE….HOE. I’m just glad yall finally got around to figuring that shit out. I mean when the cat rolls up to you and says, “let’s get this money,” he’s talking about YOU getting HIS money, not him putting you in a position to make your own. Don’t believe me, go ask the Lox, Mary J., 112 and Ma$e…

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– Lake

American Idol’s Gay Stripper Scandal

March 5, 2008

Here is a real conversation earlier today at Us Versus Them headquarters.

Brock: Did you hear that the Hispanic cat on American Idol was a stripper in a gay male strip club?

Lake: Nooooooo. The little guy with the lipstick?

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B: Nah, not him…the other dude. Taller guy.

L: Ohhhhh, true. The crazy flamboyant cat who talks all that shit and gyrates all over the stage?

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B: Good guess. But nah, not him either. The other…seemingly gay, Hispanic cat.

L: Who?

B: (*getting my Google search on*) uhhhhhhhhhhh, David Hernandez.

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L: Who?

B: You ain’t lied. I didn’t know who the hell he is either.

Shoulda known. Ol’ D. Hernandez is rocking the stripper pose in that damn picture. Hell, all three of them look like they are breaking out the stripper moves.

And no David, we don’t want to hear any parts of your “I worked in a gay club, but I’m not gay” argument. If you get butt naked for men stuffing cash in your g-string that is gay.

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That no shirt, bowtie combo you are rocking right now is gay. Sitting next to those two drag queens is gay. The way you’re holding that beer is gay. This picture coming up:

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It’s gay. Lord Jesus…We aint seen cuts in a garment like that since, well, Nathaniel Golden, Jr. David, I hate to do this to you, but you knew it was coming:

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There, I said it.

I know, I know at first you were just working behind the bar with no shirt on and before you knew it you were ahem “sliding down a pole” while “What is Love” by Haddaway pumped over the sound system.

Don’t hurt me…no mo.

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-Brock

=================Update================

Dude, as if this couldn’t get any worse, I just read that this cat still claims that he’s straight and used to work at this strip club…

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It was called ahem “Dick’s Cabaret”.. Haa Lordy! And the owner didn’t let David off easy, he remembered the boy as a good earner (low!).

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errrrrr

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According to a report by the Associated Press, David Hernandez appeared fully nude and performed lap dances for the club’s “mostly male” clientele, club manager Gordy Bryan told the news wire service. “He had the look and the type that people like, so he made pretty good money here,” Bryan said. Bryan claims Hernandez – who hails from Glendale, Arizona – worked at the strip club, Dick’s Cabaret, for three years until the end of September 2007.

Jeez.. I was much happier and more comfortable when American Idol Scandals looked like this:

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What is the world coming to?

– Lake

Who The Hell is Flo-Rida?

February 22, 2008

I’ll be straight out with you. When I saw him launch his first single with T-Pain, I knew two things. First, I didn’t trust him. Second, no matter what I think, the song is going to be ridiculously popular.

“Low” is one of those songs that get’s stuck in your head all day. “Shawty had those Apple Bottom Jeeeeanns, and dem boots wit da furrrrrrr.” DAMN YOU T-PAIN. I wish I could quit you! The song is hot, those damn “Step Up 2 Da Streets” clips in that video are completely off key and unnecessary by the way. By the way, how many times are they going to make that movie? Step Up, Honey, You’ve Been Served, Stomp the Yard, hell even Drumline. Lake said it best, we know how all these movies go. A hot headed dancer from “da skreets” shows up with his “mad skillz”, but needs to understand “real/old school/classic” in order to take his “Ill Crizzew” to a “Whole nudda level”. Of course the climax of the movie is some sort of “throwdown crew battle dance/step/play your instrument while looking mad”-off. Seriously, that shit ain’t hard, you aren’t a gangster…you’re still a dancer.

Back to Flo-Rida. I was ready to write him off as a one-hit wonder until I heard this:

I mean my goodness. Listen to that joint with some good speakers too. Timbaland laid some naaaaasty bass underneath that thing. Timbo’s wild “ficky-ficky errr-errr-errr” hasn’t sounded that hot over a beat since Aaliyah’s second album. He flipped Rihanna’s Umbrella-ella-ella into an Ella-Ella-Elevator, but I’m not mad at him for that.

Look, Flo Rida is never going to be in the discussion for “Top 5, Dead or Alive” with lyrics like these:

“Hey
My first flo stopped on a gold digging woman
Money cash flow all big faced hundreds
Frontin’ on the pole got them d-boys running
Shorty got both broke can’t see what’s comin’
Wear them apple bottoms, wear them apple bottoms honey
Dolce and Gabbana and she get it from her mommy
Louie, Von D ,Gucci, Fendi and Armani
See the carrots on her wrist now she pimps bugs bunny
Used to date Kanye now she want me
While I got my juice wanna take my OJ
It ain’t her birthday with her name on a cake
If I ever pay for pu**y, grade A”

Bottom line. It bumps in the truck. Check it out.

-Brock

===============Update=============

Damn, I didn’t know T-Pain was on “Low”… I thought for sure that was Nelly on the hook. Terrible. But like all things T-Pain, it’s literally good and terrible all at once. Let me tell you when you hear that “Apple bottom Jeaaaaan, boots with da fuuuuur” things get poppin in the club. Perfect club banger.  And what about that Travis Barker remix?

I hate to admit it, but T-Pain is a hit maker…dead up.

– Lake

Best Reason to Watch The Wire

February 13, 2008

In case you haven’t noticed The Wire on HBO carries the official Us Versus Them stamp of approval.  I admit, Lake put me up on it late and I didn’t get it at first.  Now that I’m in, I appreciate the nuances.  Like the fact that when Chris tells you you’re “good to go”, you can go ahead and kiss your ass goodbye.  It is almost as bad as when Jack Bauer tells you “come with me, you’ll be safe”, that means there is a 98% chance you are going to die, and a 50% chance that Bauer will be the one that kills you.

But I digress…

One of the best parts of The Wire is Clay Davis, a corrupt, trash talking politician.

Here is a montage of his favorite line.

That is not even the half of it.  He took it to the next level, he broke out all the stops, he laid out his trademark line like no other last week.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiit.

-Brock

Hip Hop 101: Hip Hop Decoded!

January 24, 2008

I’ve already brought you a short class on Assology.  There will be another lesson upcoming for the Spring Semester with a deeper look into the tail piece along with some new findings.  But I also wanted to introduce a new topic.  Rap music.

I know that everyone doesn’t like or understand Rap music.  For some people, maybe they just can’t get down with the lyrics, the beats, or the artists.  In reality, rap music brings important messages to everyone, so to help bring this message to a broader audience, popular songs have been reduced to easy to understand mathmatics based graphs.

Let’s start off simple.  UvT has studied the work of the late great Christopher Wallace who adopted the oxymoranic nomenclature of Biggie Smalls and determined that there is a direct relationship between Money and Problems.

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We also found that if you look closely at a unique phenomenon called “1,2,3 & to the Fo'”.  When it occurs, both Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre will be at the Doe 100% of the time.  We’ve called this the “G-Thang effect“.

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This one become a bit confusing.  Ultimately we know that “Bitches Ain’t Shit but Hoes and Tricks“, but the use of the vernacular “ain’t” keeps this in the realm of mere theory for now. 

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We suspect that the true finding of this study will be that but stating “Bitches ain’t shit” it means that they are in fact always less than or equivalent to shit.  Such a revelation would throw the entire space time continuum into flux, so we will be careful with the announcement.

In the meantime, there are tributes to our finding popping up already:

In our final finding, we’ve found a way to determine when, in fact, you gotta say it was a good day.  This finding is based on the field research of O’Shea Jackson.  Like Samson his work was better before he cut his hair, but he will be remembered as one of the greatest.

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Class Dismissed.

-Professor Brock

Are you ready for some American Idol?

January 15, 2008

I know I am. And for all you true fans of the show, I know you’re amped that the season starts tonight:

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errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I meant:

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Hey, I know the show is a little bit cat and the concept is completely played, but American Idol is my Reality TV crack and I’m ready to smoke it up most righteously in front of all you mufuckas this season!!!

Honestly, what’s not to love about American Idol? It’s reality tv at it’s finest. You get it all. Horrible cats who can’t sing, but truly believe they can like Mary Roach aka Mary Gilbeaux:

Then you have the ass clown who can’t sing at all, knows it, but just plays the game properly, gets on tv and milks the entire system for their loot cakes. Oh yes, young William Hung was laughing all the way to the bank on this one:

Hard to hate on this cat. I mean, he did have a record deal and he did get paid. Better than we can say for this clown.

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Anyway, what I really love about American Idol is how they shamelessly play off stereotypes. I mean, look, the anti gay defamation league, if such an organization exists, should be all over this show. I’m not sure why, but every gay cat in every city without a shred of common sense or dignity seems to feel obligated to come on that show and act like a complete nut. My favorite example of that, of course, is my boy (not really) Nathaniel Golden of “Listen Nate, it was just terrible dude” fame. Peep his act.

How hilarious is it that this cat choose to sing “My Girl” for his song and further, that it was so fucking horrible? Perfect.

Come on now, this show is just great. Simon is great for obvious reasons, Randy is surprisingly ill and Paula is nutty as a Christmas fruit cake. Anyway, there’s just too much to talk about here. All I know is that I’ll be looking for that next American Idol internet scandal to pop off right around week 4.

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Errrrrrrr

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Hey, it’s all the same. And yes, I still think those leaked pictures of that chick were in fact Antonella Barbara hooking up that microphone checka….hey, you decide, Not Safe For Work but found HERE. OUT.

– Lake

————UPDATE———–

Damn, I forgot how bad that Antonella Barba was.   Yeah, we need more of that.  Don’t forget my favorite American Idol mugshot…Corey “Sideshow Bob” Clark.

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-Brock

The Best Show on TV is back: The Wire

January 2, 2008

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I’m told that this season will focus on the media. Well great, but I definitely need to hear from my boy Marlo:

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We see you Snoop. And I gotta get a lil love from my boy Avon Barksdale:

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Man, I know Avon isn’t going let Omar, Marlo and Prop Joe slide… And it’s the last season too, so you know they’re going to tie up some of the loose ends. Oh and what about the kids?

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Michael is obviously a fan favorite (hence his love in the Jay Z video), Dukie is probably a monster in training, Namond is who we thought he was and Randy, well, Randy won’t rest until he’s sleeping with the fishes, mark my words.

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That angel of death role they’ve got for Chris is really wild. “It’s cool yo, I’ll keep it clean.” At any rate, this may be the best show I’ve ever seen. It’s just great. I’m told it’s available HBO On Demand, not now, but right now, so I’ll be handling that little piece of bitniz in about 30 seconds. Maybe I’ll hook up a review.

– Lake

Who the Hell is Frank Caliendo?

November 24, 2007

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I mean dammit, is there a channel on television that I can watch that actually won’t show an ad for Frank TV?  Does anyone actually watch anything other than Atlanta Braves games, Seinfeld and Friends reruns on TBS?  I know, I know he does the impressions of Fox Pregame, he was on Mad TV.  He does a great Madden and a decent Bush but how long is that going to last?  His Al Pacino looks crazy and isn’t that good.  He’s going to end up digging pretty deep into the bag of tricks to keep that ball rolling.  Is this show even on yet?

He actually does a decent Jim Rome.

What’s the over/under on how many shows this thing runs?  On any other network I’d put it at about a 4, but with it on TBS, he’s going to get some extra rope.  I’ll set it at 8.

-Brock

Laurie Ann Gibson Has Lost Her Mind

November 20, 2007

I know this chick hasn’t mattered since about five minutes after she cursed out Diddy, but this is hilarious.  In an effort to stay relevant, Laurie Ann went out last night. 

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She looks like she is about to say, “What ‘chu talkin’ bout, Willis?”  For real, look.

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That is the exact same look, only I don’t think Gary Coleman is trying to be sexy.  She was better off rocking the blue leotard.

Ha!

 -Brock