Archive for the ‘Azz Whoopin’’ Category

Barack Obama takes Maryland, Virginia and DC!!!

February 13, 2008

Damn, homey!! Barack didn’t have to open the can up on Hilly C like that, did he?

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As my girl Jabber Jules in NYC via Chocolate City would put it, “Now datz whuzzup!!!” My word and he took those states by HUGE margins, too. Young B went ahead and took the entire Mid-Atlantic region in one night and then came up for air in Wisconsin like, “It’s me bitches!!!”

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Damn.. Most impressive. That makes Texas a MUST WIN for young Hilly C and recently chilled Bill. Dude, Hill just looks like a broken woman at this point.

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I would say she’s off message, but I can’t tell what the hell her message is at this point. “Pick me, I’m a lot like Barack, only better!” Jeez. I think that UvT endorsement of Barack Brock unexpected dropped on Hilly’s head the other day must have really hurt. She had to admit that Barack was gaining traction and really had to make some heartfelt concessions about his appeal. Take for instance how she changed her campaign song from “Don’t stop Believing” to a Barack themed rendition of Duffle Bag boy:

If Obama don’t do nothing he gone ball
He runs that campagin like a clock on the wall
Now go and get them votes little duffle bag boy
Go and get them votes lil duffle bag boy AND MONEY
I aint never ran against a n—

ok, enough… But I’ll put the original below because it’s just timelessly hot. Lil Wayne for VP!

I’m just now pumping this in the ride with the proper balance of volume, treble and bass. GET MONEY.. so good.

– Lake

We need a congressional hearing on butt implants

January 28, 2008

Forget steroids, what we really need to find out is are these asses really what they proclaim to be. Like many of us, I’ve heard the stories about the butt pads the haters say Kim K rocks. But now this controversy is really heating up. I can’t lie, you really have to wonder how asses are getting so fat while stomachs and getting smoother and smoother. On the real, if it looks too good to be real, it probably isn’t real and now cats are actually coming for these video chick’s asses, literally. Peep Angel Lola Luv’s posterior game…

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Unbelievable right? Yeah, but is it really unbelievable? Airbrush aside, you don’t go from Weaver’s chicken strip thighs, to an abrupt bowling ball tail like that. I mean, seriously, have you ever seen ANYTHING like that in nature? Me neither. And maybe here’s why:

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I can’t lie, something really doesn’t look right. That little under ripple looks more like the ends of my air mattress than something the good lawd brought to us. Who knows, maybe the enhanced tail piece will be as common and accepted as the enhanced J. I mean, I just assume Lola’s breasts are fake, but I really don’t care. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not a fan of the fake J for personal use, but what do I care if it’s in a picture?

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I don’t. Anyway, we’ve officially put Lola and Coco on fake ass watch. With Coco the evidence seems pretty strong, though you can never really know in the photoshop era. Still here’s the before:

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Let’s get another angle.

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And clearly here’s the after:

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Here transformation makes Barry Bonds’ look like a junior high growth spurt. I just want these chicks to show up to congress, pull a Raffy Palmeiro and say:

“I have never, pulled back the skin on my ass and laid another coat of thickness down over top my tail feather. I don’t know how to say it more plainly than that. Never. The reference to my enhanced back on Mr. Arlington’s blog is completely false. ”

Uh huh.. To be continued….

– Lake

Pacman is at it again!

January 16, 2008

In hater news, reports say that ole Pacman allegedly sucker punched a female lawyer at an Atlanta strip club the other night.

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I don’t know man. I mean, on the one hand, dude is obviously a wild boy for continuing to even go to strip clubs, period.

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Then on the other, punching out a female attorney in a strip club? Sounds fishy. I mean, what the hell is she doing in the skrip to begin with? And yes, UvT Legal got this picture of Attorney Wanda S. Jackson, the alleged victim, pictured to the far right below.

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I think ole boy’s expression on the far left pretty much sums it all up for me. What the hell is THAT chick doing in an Atlanta strip club in the range of Adam Jones’ fist anyway? Damn, baby girl is looking a lil bit WNBA-ish if you ax me. Shouldn’t she be kicking it at Club Cheetah (with Da Brat), Club Amnesia (with Queen Latifah), the Peanuts in LA (with Cheryl Swoops), or Bubblin’ in Dublin (with oh I don’t know, Tyra Banks)…

“Can’t deny me, why would you want to, ya need me”.

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Yo, just look at the woman’s face now.  Whatever Wanda is saying, it must be akin to that alleged right rook Pacman landed because this woman just look 2 parts bemused and one part sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Either way, the shit is funny to me.

Hmmm.. Let’s take a hard look at Attorney Wanda.  Man hands, ten days past due on that touch-up re-up and nary a hint of much needed make-up to smooth it all out — but yet she’s in a bar full of NFL grade gyrating arse and breast-tah-sis? Something doesn’t add up. And then there’s her statement about the incident:

I was sitting in the office and he lunged at me numerous times in an effort to do grave bodily harm. [Then] an owner, went into the hall to deal with a member of [Pacman’s] entourage. I followed to gawk. He was in the hall, surprisingly reached over or around a security guard and sucker punched me in my left eye.”

You followed to gawk? Who talks like that… He lunged at you to “do grave bodily harm”?  Right, sure he did.

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Terrible. I’m not sure if Pacman got a solid blow in, but talking like that and you’re certain to catch an ass whoopin the next time you’re trolling for freak nasty skripperz errrr doing research in dancing establishments for your corporate law practice development. What a joke.

Yall leave Pacman alone…OJ too.

– Lake

Ohio State catches an ass whoopin…AGAIN!

January 8, 2008

Ones of people were surprised when LSU handily beast OSU for the mythical (meaning bullshit) BCS sponsored National Championship.

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Another Big 10 team, another bust. Look, we all know you really love football in Ohio.

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We understand that many of the best players in the mighty Midwest who don’t decide to hit up Michigan play their ball at OSU. We even understand and respect that you probably have some of the most dedicated fans in all of sports.

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With that said, you just need to understand that you’re not that good. Face it, LSU, Florida, hell, almost ALL of the national powerhouses, especially in the SEC, are just better than you and probably always will be. Truth be told, if there was a playoff, Ohio State would have never been in the National Championship game in 2007 or 2008.

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You just got spanked by a much better team. Yall could play that 10 times and you’d never win.

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Get your schedule up players, that Akron, Youngstown and Kent State aint getting it. I know, I know, you beat your rival Michigan this year.  Newsflash, that so called rivalry is becoming more and more irrelevant every day.  I mean, how many times is the winner of that game going to go get stomped in a bowl game by a big time program?  It no longer means a thing.  You know, Mike Hart certainly knows it and so too does the rest of college football.

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Now the fans and media are finally catching on.  Oh and I know you scored that TD at the last second to make it a two touchdown game, but it wasn’t even that close. Enjoy that long bus ride home.  OSU sucks, the Big 10 is a joke and the BCS is trash.  With that, I must offer congratulations to LSU for winning within the system. Good stuff.

– Lake

BCS Championship Game: Ohio State v. LSU

January 7, 2008

Hey, this is simple for me.

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1. The Big 1o is overrated, even in a year when they suck.

Ohio State didn’t really play anyone this year. Their biggest rival pretty much sucked. Playing Youngstown State, Akron and Kent State doesn’t cut it. I know Ohio State is feeling disrespected, but when LSU gets a hold to the Buckeyes, it’s gonna look like this by halftime.

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Truth be told, I can’t name one single OSU player off hand. Yes, I know they have some hot cats, but overall, they’re just uneventful. They got whooped last year when they had stars like Troy Smith and Ted Ginn, Jr., this year? I don’t think so.

2. LSU plays in, and won, the best College Football conference, the SEC.

It’s very simple. The SEC is the best conference every year period. LSU is battle tested and fearless.

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3. It’s in Louisiana

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Short of Lil Wayne singing the national anthem with a Duffle Bag Boy background beat, LSU already has every single advantage.

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Now, there’s only one way for LSU to lose the game, turnovers. If LSU messes up over and over again and Matt Flynn plays awful, yes, OSU has a chance. But Ryan Perrilloux is too much. Jacob Hester is too much. And yes, Glen Dorsey is TOO MUCH. Sheeyut, LSU will have more athletes in the stands watching than Ohio State will have on the field. It’s LSU, it’s he SEC, it’s Louisiana, the deep south. It’s football country. Ohio State cannot and will not win this game. Period. I like LSU BIG in the Superdome.

– Lake

Aloha means goodbye, bitches….

January 2, 2008

Truth be told, there isn’t much in this world I care about less than this so called BCS Sugarbowl game with Georgia versus Hawaii, but it’s a the third quarter right now and it’s 38-3, ok?

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At this point, the University of Hawaii Football team is just embarrassing the entire WAC (though, that conference name is embarrassment enough) and all 3 to 20 some odd islands that make up that wild state. Listen, Hawaii is good for this:

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But yall aint got nothing to do with pitching this pigskin. I know, I know, Colt Brennan is a Heisman runner-up or something. Sure, he’s also a convicted felon.

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Just terrible. And by the way, what’s up with all those wild Hawaii player’s haircuts? Perhaps if yall fools spent more time in the weight and film rooms and less time styling your dreads, captain caveman – mango salsa special, ponytails, mohawks, fabio inspired Missouri mud flap, pacific rim-afro-centric-asian fro piece maybe you cats could have put on a competitive game! I mean, look at these nonathletic lookin’ cats.

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All out of shape and low looking. How you gonna come into SEC country, pineapple in one hand, rainbow lapel pin in the other talking about Sugar Bowl. Hell, I thought yall cats tried to get away from that Sugar when you changed your names from Rainbow Warriors to just plain Warriors.

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Alas, the Rainbows are who we thought they were: Another soft team from a bullshit West Coast conference that has no business playing with the big boys in elite football circles.

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And all that “superfan” nonsense is trash when you’re getting your ass whupped like this player. I know, I know, you beat everyone on your schedule…not anymore.  Put some damn clothes on homey.

– Lake

Perfect? Pats cap off controversial regular season

December 30, 2007

I hate to say I told yall so, but of course, Lake was right again as the Pats made short work of the New York Giants. Eli put up a nice fight early, but he suddenly remembered that he was who we thought he was in that second half.

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Anyway, this post has nothing to do with those fakers in blue (have fun losing in that first round playoff game fellas). What I want to focus on is this turmoil filled season for the Pats. Sure, the Pats are 16-0 and perfect on the field, but when you put it all into context, it’s more like a “Prefect” season than anything else. Can you believe all the controversy these cats had to deal with this year? Here’s my year in review rundown:

1. Pimps up hoes down, Brady style

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Oh yes, ole Bridge wasn’t very happy when Tom traded in her iRobot level career and played out her real life Sex and the City Natasha scenario en route to bagging supermodel Gisele.

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Boy Gisele is attractive, but I wonder how she stays so thin.

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Gisele riding the white horse, is there anything better than that? Plus this chick has an estimated $150 million in the bank. Tom Brady truly is great.

2. The Revenge of Bridgette

Unfortunately, young B wasn’t going to go quietly when Tom moved on to a better version of her.

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Tom got caught out there with the okie doke and got a little egg on his face. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but Tom had previously branded himself as a “golden boy” of sorts. Maybe it was a media creation and maybe it was just him. Either way, this didn’t help that or any image of Tom’s.

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Damn, wild torpedo belly, I wonder what that kid was doing up in there.

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Oh well, it’s not a big deal to me. But the dirt under Tom’s fingernails worked for his mojo this year. If you ax me, he needs to go ahead and get Gizzy preggers and then upgrade to a newer and younger chick….this all would be for the glory of the Pats of course. Tom needs his medicine.

3. Beli-Cheat and Spygate

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Say what you want about the Pats, but this season should not be minimized by the Spygate scandal. Again, the Pats needed spygate to motivate them and make them nasty. Clearly it worked. Hey, there really isn’t much more to say about this part of the story, but I just like the pictures I have depicting spygate so much that I’ll just throw another up for my own amusement.

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4. Everything that makes Bill Belichick the Hoody

First is that ridiculous cut-off sweatshirt hoody that he rocks. I mean dude looks like a freaking homeless person on the sideline. He’s got the wrinkled up, wrinkle free dockers, the thugged out hoody joint and that freaking crazy concrete mug. It’s just hilarious.

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Then you have the fact that he got dimed out by the Man-genius for being a cheater even though the League warned him to stop taping his opponents sidelines.

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That foolishness earned him that hot $500,000 fine and about $500,000,000 in embarrassment. But you can’t stop Bill. My favorite story about him from this year was how he ran hoes out of that Brooklyn brownstone.

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You just gotta love it.

At any rate, this certainly is a team for the ages. Like all great teams, there is more to pay attention to than just the games themselves. Please note that Randy Moss has done nothing but make this team better this year and hasn’t brought ANY off field foolishness to the table.

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Randy is the man and if he was the one running some dude’s wife like a ho or knocking up multiple actress/models, the media would be all over him. What can you do… Congrats to the Pats. I’ve enjoyed it

– Lake

Not sure why I’m posting this

November 27, 2007

I don’t know. I guess it’s kind of interesting. I can’t decide if this cat deserves a one day contract with Timbaland, Scott Storch or the Neptunes or just a stiff ass whooping… It’s definitely one or the other.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

I don’t like Bohemian hip hop (anymore), so why am I posting this? I don’t know. Maybe he’ll do a “Wipe me down Concerto Remix.” Then and only then will I be at peace with this video.

– Lake

Tasers. They’re Always Shocking.

November 8, 2007

As we’ve already covered in a previous post, tasers are always fertile ground for commentary here at UvT. The Don’t Tase Me Bro dude got off, but not before he was immortalized in t-shirt, game, and MC Hammer Remix video form.

So we did a little research and there is plenty of fun with tasers out there on the web. Let’s start here.

Who knew that a electric shock made your face go all Popeye? How did those cats find a chick to go Jackass with them? I mean that babe stuck her nipple in a taser. Who does that?

Here’s another good one.

Not only does this cat pull a hot backflip when he gets hit with the taser, but that big female cop rocking the white socks takes a hell of a face plant on her approach.

Yeah, tasers sound like a great idea. I’m sure they make a great self defense mechanism if you catch a cat off guard and break out immediately after. Well here is how they do cats in my hometown of Atlanta.

Player. Taser instructions are as follows. 1. Tase. 2. Run. How are you still around to get shot five times homey? First of all you can’t tase a cat once he is already up in your ride. You’ve missed your window at that point. It’s like those chicks that “renew their virginity”…there’s nothing you can do, you’re already fucked. Second, where the hell are you gonna go? He’s already got your car at that point.

Next time, don’t bring a knife to a gunfight homey. Get yourself one of these:

-Brock

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, Episode 4 roundup – Crazy!

October 31, 2007

If you can’t tell already, I watch a hella lot of tv. That includes my daily diet of sports, reality tv, politics, crime dramas, nonsense, football de telemundo and romantic comedies. Yes, tivo has destroyed my life. Anyway, so I’m watching Tila Tequila on A Shot at Love, LIVE, which is crazy for me since I hate commercials, but that’s just how good this show has been to me. I can’t miss it.

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I’m watching Episode 4 thinking about what I’m going to write on the blog about it and I must say, at first, I’m a little disappointed (that would change as the show progressed). Initially, I figured that the show this week had degenerated into:

  • One part predictable “battle of the sexes” (which I understand and expect),
  • Two parts buck naked Tila Tequila/barely dressed up in some crazy outfit (incidentally, it’s pretty crazy how good this chick looks in each different outfit).

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Again, I can deal with that format, but it just doesn’t give me exactly everything I need. I’m a purist. Give me a protagonist. Give me an antagonist. Give me a chick who lies and conjures up some silly faux persona where she acts like she’s 1. a lesbian, 2. a virgin ;), and 3. “innocent.”

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Oh yeah, we’ve already been given that chick. And just peep the look in her eye, then pan down. “Ashli, Kelly not guil-tee.”

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This chick Ashli (not to be confused with the nutso dude named Ashley) is clearly a fraud and quite frankly, I won’t stand for it. It’s not that I don’t like a tv fraud, hell, I love them. But if you’re going to be a fraud, be one by saying you’re wild, crazy, promiscuous and ohhhh dangerous. Don’t come on here acting like you’re some random good girl black chick from Jersey (everyone knows there are NO virgins in Jersey, uuuh, bridge and tunnel), with double D’s and ass who has never been gotten at. Believe you me, that chick is NOT a virgin…not by a mile.

Anyway, the show was fine, standard foolishness and then they had eliminations and that’s when this fool Ashley, a dude, got to wildin out! Peep the video.

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(If you can imagine it, this cat is actually wilder than he looks, he’s NUTS and worse yet, he’s “Likes to Fight guy”)

Tila iced him out, didn’t really say why, just hit him with that weird accent she has, “your shot at love is over,” she must be a Cali chick. Anyway, this fool starts twitching and back peddling to point out all the losers (who by the way made it further than he did) and why she will eventually realize that she made a mistake. Ha.

Anyway, while he’s shitting on all his former buddies, one of the cats he’s completely dissing to their face named Bobby makes the mistake of saying, “F- off” or something like that.. Um, big time mistake. Big boy, with the cat ass name goes OFF!! Check this shit out right here, it’s classic trash tv and HILARIOUS to a cat like me. I mean, this fool had a sadistic look on his face and one thing is for sure, dude was 100% serious.

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The cat just started strangling Bobby, a cat that to this point has gotten zero pub on the show, and then he wouldn’t let go!! Bottom line, Bobby ends up in a damn ambulance (lol).

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And Ashley ends his night outside yelling like a bootleg and bullshit ass Marlon Brando in some bastard production of A Street Car Named Desire on some ole…..”Tila. Teeee-la… Teeeeeeea-laaaaaaaaaaah!!!”HAAAAA

Dude, it was so good. And then when nobody came to get him, he was just out there kicking over potted plants, ripping leaves off trees and talking shit about how he wants another piece of Bobby (what was left of him). Ha. It was classic.

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What a great show. Sex, lies, violence oh and now we’ve got video tape. A loyal reader, Chris in South Carolina, just sent over a link to a video he claims is an ahem authentic Tila Tequila adult film. I “reviewed” a portion of the “film” and I have three comments.

Comment 1. This alleged Tila Tequila porn tape is really aggressive and definitely NSFW, so just know that before you click on it. Hell, if that was Tila doing ahem, those things, I can see why ole Ashley was fighting, kicking inanimate objects and defacing foliage.

Comment 2. The woman on the tape definitely looks like Tila.

Comment 3. Sadly, it’s probably not her. I just feel like a tape like this would be a known commodity on the web by now if it were truly a Tila Tequila sex tape. Hey, you decide. As always, I never look at these tapes and find them morally objectionable like a Republican in a bathroom stall. Out.

– low lake