Author Archive

Free The Juice: OJ Simpson Trial is Underway

September 16, 2008

Maaaan, fuck it, I’m with OJ Simpson.

That’s right, I said it, I’m siding with the Juice.  Come on now.  I know this is Amurica, so actual Justice and Truff don’t really count.  But let’s face it, Juice was set up with this one.  I mean, how many cats roll up into a spot with some dudes they don’t know to retrieve their stolen memorabilia and just happen to have tape rolling? In fact, roll the tape interns:

Yooo, this is hilarious.  “You think you can steal my shit?”  “Bag this shit up.” Yo, Juice is a funny cat.  Meanwhile, ALL the cats he rolled in with cut deals with the prosecution to turn on the Juice.  Now that aint right.  They tell Juice the dude “took his shit.”  They lead the Juice to the room.  They bring the heat, but Juice is up to go to Jail for life?  How does that work?

Oooooh, that’s right. OJ is being tried for a different crime.  Supreme DickAssness associated with that murder.

Hey, I watched that trial from start to finish.  The state didn’t meet its burden.

I might be the only cat in America who isn’t certain that OJ did it, but I’m not really certain.  What I am certain of is that he doesn’t deserve to go down for Memorabilia Gate alone.  It’s not like he whooped ass, he just confronted some mark ass busters who “stole his shit.”  It was a simple misunderstanding, mixed with a clear understanding that ass tappities could commence if cats continued to play with OJ’s money.  And before yall cats come with that, “I doesn’t matter, he’ll get what he deserves, he’s worse than Osama Bin Laden” AHNT, consider this:

Jigga, Snoop, Juice, Kelly, NOT-Guil-ty!

– Lake

Jennifer Hudson Gets Punk’d?

September 15, 2008

This story is just too weird.  Haaavard Law Grad, Tiffany “New York” Pollard reject and former UvT punching bag David “Punk” Otunga allegedly got engaged to Jennifer Hudson yesterday.

Dude, this is just too weird.  LOL.  I mean, Punk?  First of all, dude’s name is Punk.  Second, he went on I LOVE NEW YORK.  Didn’t that raise somewhat of a red flag for Ms. Hudson?  Hey Huddy, you may want to check in with Star Jones and Terry McMillan before you’re out here getting your groove back with a cat who uses more hair product than you.

And then there’s Punk.  How does a cat go from talking to zero black cats at HLS, to going onto I Love New York (which according to you was to promote your Hollywood carer errrr show positive images of black men in the media) to marry certified real deal sister Jennifer Hudson?

I already know the answer which is YES, but I still have to ask:  Is this cat serious? Ha, what a cornball.  LOL.  JHud, when it all goes wrong, don’t say Lake didn’t warn ya.  And just so we’re clear, you should be looking for a cornball dude, especially when you’re in entertainment.  But you’ve got things a bit mixed up.  When looking for the proper corn, you want something that looks more like this:

And run away from a dude who would ever pose like this:

I know, I know, he’s Abs-solutely fit.  Sure, but you have to understand the mentality of a black cat who spikes his hair, rolls around shirtless or dares put himself in a frosted pic.  Believe me, it aint right and somehow the fact that he went to HLS makes it that much worse.

– Lake

J Game Done Changed: Fake or Real?

September 15, 2008

It’s the classic Us vs. Them topic.  The breast, that wonderful gift from the lawd that can provide joy, amusement or even a nutritious snack, depending on your point of view.  Anyway, we’ve officially come out against Fake Js many times.  Of course, like Sarah Palin’s bridge, we were for them before we were against them.

They’re bad for women because they’re unsafe.  They’re bad for dudes because they feel like shit, are often more nasty than sexy and somehow, even the hype ones, cheapen the chick

…and we can’t have that.  So we here at UvT headquarters want to separate the real from the fake, the high from the lo.

So we ask you.  Is she dead nice or fuckin with knifes?  Are they bad ass tits or better meant for the skrip? Did she get it from her mama or should we treat them like Osama?  You decide America (incidentally, aren’t you sick of people on those bullshit reality tv shows addressing “America” when it’s time for a vote?  Hey half talents, “America” can’t be addressed.  America isn’t a person, it’s a place.  Stop appealing to “America” with your bullshit, thx).  Yall let me know, were they made for Lake or stuck on with puddy and tape?

Our first contestant is Tanned up Fake JLo aka Dania Ramirez from Heroes.

Damn.  I’ll tell you this.  While it may be her natural skin color, I do believe this chick has the best tan I’ve ever seen in my entire life.  I mean, she’s just sun kissed and so are those tittay!  What say you?  Real Deal Holyfield or Fake for the Cake, burn them at the stake?  I know, I know, you need angle 2, don’t we all?

Whoooo wee.  That aerial view is a beast.  Let me tell you.  They may very well be fake, but this chick has MASTERED the art of accentuating the angle.  I mean, her internal side boob game was TIGHT on picture one.  Then she showed versatility when she put them J’s on dubbs!  I guess stuntin really is a habit.  I mean, them bamas are sittin on HIGH, waiting to be seen.  And I gotta say, from the neck to the collar bone, down to the heat, I’m a believer.  She’s really showing me something, fake titities or not!  Wide angle please.

Now, uhhhh, that’s an interesting outfit.  Hmmm, honey touched skin, office pants, red cummerbund strapped up with the full on J’s out.  I mean, really mixing that working woman with that working woman!!!! If you know what I mean. Anyway, it’s a close call.  At least for me.  I try not to think about it too much when we’re under triple D’s.  So we gotta put it to the people.  Fake or Real?

– Lake

==============Update==============

I went on a hunt to see if Dania Ramirez reached that fineness quoitent that apparently requires thickness for membership.  And quite frankly, it was hard.  I mean, it’s a chicken or egg situation.  Is it her gear that prevents thickness explooration or are those garments basically the proverbial haystack for that neddle that really just aint there.  Who knows, all I know is that I went with the “Lil Jon” approach to reporting and this is what I got.

“Bend ova to the flo’ touch your toes”

“garble-garble, garble garble, it’s low”

“Awwww, somethin, somethin, somethin, you scared, you scared”

“Now, back back back it up, YEAH, back back back it up”

“now stop, OH, and wiggie with it, AHNT, stop OH and wiggie wit it”

Now see, that’s some bullshit.  But that’s all you really get with this chick.  Let me just show everybody what we should be looking at to keep everything clean and above board.

Dammit, was I the only one who heard “BIA BIAAAAAAAA, why you actin’ like a, like a” when you saw that?  No?  Aww, F yall.  You best come on in and get with these here musical analogies.  Anyway, this is all she’s offering.

Only song I can think of is, what, the Sounds of Silence – Simon and Garfunkel, don’t hate.

Anyway, the Verdict Is In.

Resoundingly FAKE.

Very fake.  Thanks for playing, though.

Kanye West Assault Video is Hilarious

September 12, 2008

Hilarious.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ye got arrested behind that? Haaaaa Hood up, backpack attached, with that cat telling people he took it while everything is on tape. Haa And when Kanye moves, is it just me or does he just look like a little kid.

Cat ass photog: POLICE POLICE…

Kanye Yes Man: Aint no Po-lice man, go on somewhere.

Fucking hilarious. ha

More later.

– lake

Matt Damon Drops a Little Knowledge

September 11, 2008

Finally, someone, ANYONE, just comes out and says straight:

Come on, who among us doesn’t realize:

1. Palin is a joke candidate for Vice President of the United States of America

2. John McCain has a 1 in 3 chance of dying in office, leaving us with hockey mom Palin as our VP, a concept that literally is about as ridiculous as ME bring President two years from now.

5 years ago, Paliln was selling camping equipment.  CAMPING EQUIPMENT!!!!  Two years ago she was running a “city” that’s literally smaller than my neighborhood.  In all seriousness, exactly 20 months ago, I HAD A SUPERIOR RESUME TO SARAH PALIN and I wouldn’t let her run the comments section on this website without a proper UvT vetting and some advanced schooling.  If Sarah Palin, due to her academic and professional substance, isn’t qualified to write for this blog, and believe me, she isn’t, then how in the hell is she qualified to even be a candidate for Vice President?

Hey, this is the Presidency of the United States, it’s not “Brownie, doin’ a heck of a job” running FEMA or Harriet Myers getting appointed to the Supreme Court.  I mean, this is literally a Wu Tang Financial moment, “Protect Your Fucking Neck!”  Enough with the moose hunting and ice fishing jokes, this woman is not ready to be President of a goddamn thing and sure as hell aint ready to be VP of the US of A.  Thx.

– Lake

————–UPDATE—————–

The best quote is “I really need to know if she thinks dinosaurs were here 4000 years ago.  That’s an important…I want to know that.  I really do.  Because she’s gonna have the nuclear codes.”

I don’t think there is a better summary of the situation than that quote.

-Brock

Dear Hip Hop, Please, No More Bitchassness…

September 10, 2008

Man, maybe I’m just getting too old for the game.  Maybe I’ve just lost touch.  Maybe I should just accept that a life of family, low salt foods and Jesus fishes needs to replace Vegas, Grecian Goose and verified ignorance.  I don’t know, I suddenly feel like the hip hop curmudgeon and I don’t like it.  Sure, I can deal with violence:

Hypocrisy:

Sexploitation:

and utter tomfoolery:

because those are the reasons I listen to hip hop to begin with.  But let’s be frank here.  There is an epidemic of cat shit that’s attacking the bedrock principles of the art form I know and love.  I mean, it was ok when the cat ass shit was truly artistic, like, if a dude was literally blasting off to planet 3000, I was ok as long as the rhymes stayed funky.

But see Andre 3000 can get away with that shit because he was doing it when cats were literally like, “what the fuk is wrong with this dude”?

I mean, a cat who comes out on the Chris Rock show with some snow boots, shoulder pads and blue wig right in the middle of the Jay Z “Hard Rock Life” and DMX “Get At Me Dog” era, really believes.  But this cat… I mean, goodness, didn’t Puff just recently ask for no bitchassness?

I mean, what the fuck is going on?  And please stop striking that pose like you reeaaally just nailed that outfit too.  haaa, this shit is awful.  Kanye, I really like your music and I do believe that you’re generally a sincere cat.  But on the rizzeal, you’re not that fashion forward dude you think you are.  Sure you have some cats following your steez, but they’re all fucking terrible and wack or quite literally on some other, high-lo, ignorant-intelligent, deep-shallow thespian bullshit.

Man, I’m telling you. These damn weirdos (I said it) have finally gotten under my skin.  All these dudes out here trying to be soooo different.  What ever happened to conformity?  I mean, I used to laugh when I heard those terrible ass NYC bouncers warn us “we can get gully in here sun, I told you, clear this area”  Ahhhhnnt Hell, I’m longing for those days now.  What ever happened to “punching a nilla in the face just for living” (Mobb Deep)?  I mean, I thought those days were the low point.  I thought DMX was taking shit too far.  Then I saw this.

And no I don’t care that those shoes are the hottest thing in Milan, that your extra medium tuxedo shirt is made of finely spun Mongolian cotton or that you had the vision to match it all with a suit from Men’s Warehouse just to keep it “organic” or whatever silly explanation you have for this ‘fit.  And no, I don’t give a hot damn about the strappy juxtaposition between the braces and the backpack or that fucked up green floor and your fucked up lack of a haircut.  I don’t know and I don’t wanna know, ok?

Jesus, Buddah, Allah, someone, please help us.  Obviously we’re not figuring this thing out down here.  Stop dressing like a gay euro.  Stop rocking shit you know looks wack, juuust becuase you think you’ll be seen as different.  Stop singing songs that truly require actual vocal ability and most of all, just stop being a bitch.

Put down that purse and pick up a ball, remote, a beer..dammit, something, anything.  I’m with Sarah Palin on this one, go shoot some Moose mufuckers, leave the cat shit be.

There, I said it.

– Lake

Example of the Elusive Zero Stomach

September 10, 2008

I’m in no way advocating this chick.  I don’t know her name, I don’t want to know.  I do, however, want to say that she possesses something that dudes talk about and enjoy, that elusive “zero stomach.”

And please don’t confuse the zero stomach with the meaty stomach or the concave stomach.  Don’t get me wrong, I love a good meaty stomach that still holds it’s integrity ala Brit Brit from back in the day:

Hey, every dude likes what they like.  And I have plenty on my list.  But that zero stomach is definitely a nice touch.  Not a requirement by any stretch, but nice nonetheless.  Now my female friends tell me that in order to achieve it, all the stars must be in line:

1.  She must have the predisposed genetic make-up aka “gets it from her mama”

2.  If she’s over the age of 16, “zero” probably requires some form of starvation

3.  The monthly hormone gods must be on vacay

4.  What little weight she does gain, must go to another area of the body lest she looks anorexic

But honestly, I don’t really care about any of that.  All I care about is seeing it every now and again like a beautiful rare tropical bird.  Even better when it’s paired with some decent thickness elsewhere.  I was so pissed at the VMAs that I failed to mention that Rihanna was showing a nice set of zero-esque abs that night.

Very nice indeed.  And yes, this is the kind of stuff dudes just sit around and talk about.  Well, at least the dude I know.  And fellas, if you haven’t broken it down like this, get better, more detail oriented friends.  Life is far more fulfilling when you have all the pertinent information.

– Lake

Keeping it Simple: UvT Loves Lohan’s….Eyes

September 9, 2008

After that heart breaking post about those God awful VMAs, it touches my heart to show you all something I do like.  Lindsay Lohan.

The all natural woman is unbeatable.  And the best thing about the natural woman, you can dress her up in a bunch of different outfits and it’s like Christmas morning errytime.

Lindsay is great.

– Lake

—————–UPDATE——————-

The interns have been working all morning to bring the “hard evidence” the people demand on Lindsay.  Lindsay has tried a lot of things, posing nude, allegedly appearing in a sex tape, rehab, and now she’s one of them girls who likes them girls.

Here’s my question.  When you cross it over, why do you go for the chick who looks like a dude?  I never understand that.  You know my position on vegetarians eating soy hot dogs, this seems like the same thing.  And by the same thing I mean it ain’t right.  Look, I’m all for it, in fact the Lindsay Lohan lesbian sex tape might be an all time best seller.  I thing her lady is down for it.  She even checks her out like a dude.

First she checks the thickness…

Then she peeps the J game…

At least Samantha Ronson appreciates the same things we appreciate and isn’t talking about Lindsay’s “inner spirit” and “willingness to share herself”.  I don’t need that.

You know what?  I’m glad.  I don’t care what Lindsay’s motivation is, as long as she never goes back to looking like this:

That wasn’t good for anyone.  Oh, and as far as that hard evidence is concerned, Lake doesn’t have the sex tape (yet).  But here is the best we can do.

I have to be honest though.  That is not going to stop Lake.  In fact, I think we just made him worse.  Now instead of just thinking he can pull Lindsay, he now thinks the threesome is a full on possibility.

Yawn: The Worst MTV Video Music Awards Ever

September 9, 2008

Disclaimer:  Since this was the worst MTV VMAs I’ve ever seen, this is perhaps equally the worst post I’ve ever written.  And I’ll tell you why.  It’s really hard to write about something that is so boring, so terrible, just so damn wack.  I mean, it brings you down.  I tried to put a few decent observations, but honestly, this Z minus level show basically ruined my week.  But I wrote it live, so I feel compelled to post.  So here it goes, I can’t vouch for any of it.

So I was hoodwinked into watching these VMAs with the lady with the idea that I would get a chance to see a solid Britney Spears train wreck part deux.  Need I remind you of last year’s showing?

I mean, the cats kept hitting us with that “Britney is opening the VMAs” rhetoric, so I thought I’d be getting something I wanted.  But when they show opened up, it was literally just her walking in, taking her place at the podium and delivering one of the more uninspiring “welcome speeches” I’ve ever heard in my life.  I should have known at that very moment to turn the TV off and walk away.  Surprise, I didn’t.

Damn, on a positive note, is that old school, 2001 Britney?  Damn, I must say, I’m almost impressed, but it can never be like it was.

Damn, that shit is just crazy.  Britney was literally like a LeBron James level talent.  She was ridiculous!

Curses, suddenly I realized that these MTV fools done hit me with the bait and switch.  Here I am, thinking I’m about to see a Sarah Palin-esque, T&A “change” performance from Brit and then it happened.  Awww, some crazy ass Rihanna techno song I don’t like with some middle earth cretins stomping the yard and Rih Rih sitting on high with a 3 story ball gown.

And then right on cue, Rihanna starts showing me what I already knew:  That she’s literally the only chick of West Indian descent on record who cannot dance to save her life.

Then Dark Knight Joker meets Carrot Top came out to host the show.

Say what?  Who is this cat and why are his pants so tight?  The first thing I thought was, “oh, that’s that terrible Jesse cat from that ‘I want to be a vj’ contest back from the dead.”  Then he spoke and I immediately wondered if I was the only one who had finally gotten sick of hearing all these British accents.  Well, at least he kept it real with that “none of you know who I am”..  Ahh, honesty I can finally rally around.  And then homey started cutting into Bush and the Republicans with a bunch of one line zingers:

“I’m for Barack Obama…you recently elected that retarded cowboy fella.”

“In England, George Bush wouldn’t be trusted with a pair of scissors.”

“Use a condom or become a Republican.”

Damn, he’s half funny, like a Sacha Baron Cohen meets the trench coat mafia.  Anyway, to add to my misery, they then introduced some soft looking cats named the Jonas Brothers who had the nerve to start signing.

Who buys this trash?  And who in the hell are the Jonas Brothers?  Oh, the lady says that they’re just Hansen reinvented.  God, this is the worst VMAs ever.  I mean, the crowd is bored, the performers are terrible and even the presenters look disinterested.  So Jaime Foxx, realizing this, came out yelling “wake up, wake up.”  Dude, you know shit aint right when a cat has to tell people to wake up.  I haven’t seen a crowd this stunned since back at Duke when the Ques did the “Pussy Step” with three dudes (total!) at the step show…  You just had to be there, but trust me, it was so terrible that it was hilarious.

I know, I know, the Ques just like to go hard with the bruhs..  ahnt (I said it)

Anyway, so then they started in with “the best female video” and then the lady over in my easy chair made a great point, “why are these bad videos getting nominated for best video”?  And then Britney Spears won.  Say what?  I forgot that she had an album last year.  Then Britney went ahead and thanked God….Which immediately started to make me laugh and then the lady said, and I’m not kidding me, “hey, that’s an AA step”…Jeez.

Has it really come to that?  Thanking God to get off the goose?

Goodness, what a debacle this is.  Then Weezy came out and was fairly terrible.

Not really his fault, rap never does really translate well to a live format.  But he didn’t have to rock the tight sag with the full on drawls coming out the back.  Then Jordin Sparks came out looking like some kind of Extra Large Living Teddy Graham as she babbled about promise rings and being a slut.  Perfect.

Dude, John Legend looks scared.

Anyway, I can’t continue with this.  This was hands down the worst program I’ve ever seen on MTV.  Oh and they topped it off with Kanye’s outdoor contest where he sang, OFF KEY MIND YOU, for an entire song with some Beijing drummers and tight ass suit.

God it was awful.

1.  Dude, singing hooks is one thing, but YOU CAN’T ACTUALLY SING and nobody wants you to sing. Do hot beats, make tricky hooks and make us laughs occasionally.  Just because Andre 3000 sang on his album doesn’t mean you can.  In short, do what you do and stay in your lane.

2.  Please get that wig cut off. Homey aint got a head that can sustain a lot of hair, especially with that temple taper.

Boy, NOTHING went right tonight and in honor of that, I didn’t post shit.  Blame it on MTV…

– Lake

==========Update===========

To add insult to injury, Britney won THREE Moon Men.. THREE.

I mean, I know all awards are basically random and based on zero criteria, but what in the hell is wrong with videos generally, when Brit wins THREE awards for ONE SONG.  She’s not even a relevant artist at this point.  Goodness.  What a joke.

—————UPDATE—————–

I don’t know quite how we got there, but KIR in NV just said that the next time she sees Carrot Top in Vegas, she’s gonna ask him if he likes P-U Double Dolla Sign Y.  Hilarious.  The ladies of UvT really kill it.  Read the comments people!

Bristol to Sarah Palin: “I Learned It By Watching YOU Mom”?

September 4, 2008

Who knows if Mrs. Palin is slaying more than “the good ole boys” (did anybody bother to tell her what party she’s in?) up in her little store front “City Hall” in Wasilla.

Look, my high school principal’s office looks more official than this shit.

All I know is that when someone holds themselves out as a “Champion of Moral Values” they’re usually not. I know, I know, she’s only mortal…right.  Of course, the moralizers always want to take that uppity high road (until people fuck up and then it’s all about “errybody makes mistakes” and “we’re all sinners”), talk all their shit about family values and the “good ole days of yore” when grandpappy and grandmama worked the land, said their prayers, refused to sit next to blacks errrr helped their neighbors and loved Amurica.   Sure.  Only, back in those days, grandpappy often had a family the next town over and grandmama was getting more than milk for the milkman, which is why your Uncle Jr. is the only one in the family to have red hair.  But that was the “greatest generation.”  Sure.  And it’s the same with this tabaccy spittin’, moose killin’, gun tottin’, unrecognizable accent havin’, Obama disparagin’, Tina Fey lookin’, ‘bridge to nowhere’ financial facts misrepresentin’, hair placed in several up positions rockin’, plane ebay sellin’, 4 errr 5 kids havin’, shotgun wedding endorsin’, Nature’s Valley Granola Bar kid namin’, running the point b-ballin’, not to mention yes yallin’ chick right here.

Awwww, who woulda thunk it.  A country girl, with a bad attitude, decent proportions (for 44) and kick ass reputation is under investigation for living out a real life “Somebody’s Sleeping In My Bed” scenario behind the back of her woefully less impressive Hubby.

And my man on the left doesn’t look too confident either. ha

Shoot, now I see how she got so cross-eyed, she’s over here trying to check out every Tom, Brick and Berry in town.  And I hate to say it, but it’s really freak 101 and anyone who has dealt with a freak and somehow gotten the history knows this to be true, but freak nasty runs in the family yall.  And if you don’t know, you better ax somebody.

Now we’re hearing that the fam was all up in arms when Bristol finally told them she was preggers.  I can imagine how that conversation went.

A true classic.  Not saying she banged out ole Not Mr. Palin either….I’m just saying, this is how she rolled in the 80’s.

And, no, I don’t think this is a photoshop.  ha

– Lake