Gary Coleman Keeps it Gangsta

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UPDATED:  UvT is getting so strong, the comments are as good as the original post.  Check out the Ladies of UvT getting loose below.

Sure, he might be wearing denim on denim, he might have on green crocs, he might be 4’8″, but if you mess with him he will straight whoop that ass.

Here’s the story.  Gary Coleman was bowling in Utah…wait, let’s stop there for a second.  Why the hell was Gary Coleman bowling in Utah?  That is about the most random thing I’ve ever heard.  Ross Perot was paddleboating in Montana.  Warren Moon was playing Uno in Caracas.  It’s fun, try a few yourself.  Anyway.  So Gary was getting his bowl on with his wife, chillin and shit, when come dude rolls up on him with a camera phone to take some pics.  Gary asked him not to, and Gary’s bodyguard tried to keep him away.  OK.  Second WTF moment.  Gary thought he needed a bodyguard to go bowling in Utah?

The victim said that Gary rolled up on him, threw a few punches, jumped into his truck and tried to run the dude over. Third WTF moment…if Gary Coleman’s croc wearing ass rolls up throwing punches on your boy, I’d be the famous dude who whooped Gary Coleman’s ass.  My CNN story would be titled “Whydchu knockemout Willis?”  Emmanuel Lewis, Little kids, the Chinese Olympic gymnastics team, and Wee Man from Jackass wouldn’t wanth to come near me.  I’d be dangerous, son, dangerous.

My bad, Gary.  My bad.

You better watch out for Gary though.  He might flip on you any second.

Gary, you need a new hobby, and you need to chill the hell out.  You should be happy people still want to take your picture.  Just ask Todd Bridges.

-Brock

——————————————–

KIR in NV:

Let’s break this down: how’d his bitty ass get all the way up into SLC undetected? Last I knew, the only colored folk permitted within the city limits had the surname Malone.

And he had to wear that cowboy hat just to keep a low profile.

This does explain the need for the bodyguard though. I’m not sure it’s even legal to be a “brunette” in the Beehive state. It was the late 70s before the revelation was handed down that the extra tanned were not marked by the curse of God.  Or as they call it, the “good ol days”.

Second, of course he’s bowling. If you aren’t on your Family Home Teaching or churning up the butter for tomorrow’s breakfast for 12, that’s what you do. Unless it’s after 8:30PM and then you’re screwed.

And yeah, if Arnold whoop my ass, I take that beating quietly, change my name and slide into that Bitch Ass Protection Program. For real.

—————————————

Rosy F:

@Kir on point as usual. The revelation took too long. I like my drank and the streets too much. And if ashy virginal croc wearing arnold manage to land more than one punch on me I’d be in BAPP.

———————————

Be On It:

Rule #1: Never fight short people.

They have years of built up aggression waiting to be poured out on any fool that dare try them.

Rule #2: If fighting short people, use your knees. A groin shot on a regular person is a chin check for the midgies. Just saying.

Rule #3: If you get your @ss whooped by a short person, please turn in your cool card and proceed to the BAPP.

Rule #4: Never get in an altercation with a short person known to kick ass and take names. Did this fool not hear that Gary was stomping his wife? Isn’t she like 8x bigger than him? I mean, I ain’t never scared, but I pick my battles.

Starting mess with LaKeisha Thomas, the girl who took out a senior linebacker twice her size? No sir!

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25 Responses to “Gary Coleman Keeps it Gangsta”

  1. KIR in NV Says:

    Let’s break this down: how’d his bitty ass get all the way up into SLC undetected? Last I knew, the only colored folk permitted within the city limits had the surname Malone. This does explain the need for the bodyguard though. I’m not sure it’s even legal to be a brunette in the Beehive state. It was the late 70s before the revelation was handed down that the extra tanned were not marked by the curse of God.

    Second, of course he’s bowling. If you aren’t on your Family Home Teaching or churning up the butter for tomorrow’s breakfast for 12, that’s what you do. Unless it’s after 8:30PM and then you’re screwed.

    And yeah, if Arnold whoop my ass, I take that beating quietly, change my name and slide into that Bitch Ass Protection Program. For real.

  2. RosyF Says:

    @Brock that post was hilarious. The facts plus pics write themself.

    @Kir on point as usual. The revelation took too long. I like my drank and the streets too much. And if ashy virginal croc wearing arnold manage to land more than one punch on me I’d be in BAPP.

  3. Be On It Says:

    Rule #1: Never fight short people. They have years of built up aggression waiting to be poured out on any fool that dare try them.

    Rule #2: If fighting short people, use your knees. A groin shot on a regular person is a chinc check for the midgies. Just saying.

    Rule #3: If you get your @ss whooped by a short person, please turn in your cool card and proceed to the BAPP.

    Rule #4: Never get in an altercation with a short person known to kick ass and take names. Did this fool not hear that Gary was stomping his wife? Isn’t she like 8x bigger than him? I mean, I ain’t never scared, but I pick my battles. Starting mess with LaKeisha Thomas, the girl who took out a senior linebacker twice her size? No sir!

  4. okolepuka Says:

    I live in Utah, moved here about six years ago and I lived all over the country before Utah, mostly Vegas. Gary Coleman lives up here.

    You would be surprised at how diverse SLC has become. It took a long time but if you are in SLC it really doesn’t look that different than any other city, except that there are way more clean cut white dudes with white shirts and ties. I don’t get that shit at all. When I say SLC I mean the city, not the suburbs, the suburbs are exactly what you think they would be.

    The predominant religion is strange but there are a lot of Mormon Hispanics and Polynesians all over the place. The state is strange as hell but pretty cool if you can get over the quirky nature of the place. The politics here drives me crazy but even that is slowly changing.

  5. KIR in NV Says:

    @okolepuka: UT has some gorgeous terrain, I’ll give you that. St. George is about my limit though cuz I like to be sure I can jump in the whip and beat the 5-oh to the border, just in case. I gets nervous when I pop into the 7-Eleven and ask Colt (or Logan or Moroni or LaPrell) at the counter where they keep the 40oz OE and the response is, “You ain’t from around here, is you?”

  6. okolepuka Says:

    @KIR,
    Ha! I know exactly what you mean. That should be changing soon as well. The Governor, Huntsman (R Party), is trying to liberalize the liquor laws and it should be more like neighboring states if the state government allows it to happen. We shall see.

    On the upside, the state liquor stores have a great selection and the prices are better than what I have found in privately owned liquor stores. I have never gone without.

    St. George has some incredible scenery around it but it is still a small town. Don’t be scared about heading up to SLC, you may enjoy it, especially if you like the outdoors.

    If you want to experience something truly strange, come up to the UNLV/BYU game during the winter. I go every year and it is the closest I have ever come to experiencing a truly homogeneous and absolutely conformist environment. It is downright strange, almost surreal. To give them credit though I have never been mistreated.

  7. Will Says:

    U guys are REALLY talking about Utah??? seriously? lol

  8. KIR in NV Says:

    @okolepuka: you have never gone without cuz nobody else is sippin the drank (allegedly)!!! I remember the first time I went to a LDS wedding reception and I’m like, “Where’s the bar?” and my escort tried to hand me a can of Sprite. Then I spied some little Dixie cups of Jell-o over on a table and thought, “Here we go!” but was sorely disappointed to find out they left out the shot part and it was 100% straight gelatin. No wedding cake, but a rainbow buffet of Jell-o. WTH? I was never so happy when the 2 hour time limit hit and we peaced outta there. Talk about some culture shock.

    And that “meet me at E 110 SW where it crosses NWN 400 ES” street naming convention all through UT got me dizzy. Can I get a Main Street or First Avenue or something? I know it’s a logical, grid-based system but UT is about the only place I got lost on the regular.

  9. okolepuka Says:

    @KIR-You are cracking me up. I have been here for six years and I still get lost!
    Visit Park City, everyone is drinking, it is a great town.

  10. Lake Arlington Says:

    All I know is that Todd Bridges looks like a black Anniken Skywalker after he took his mask off in Return of the Jedi.. Dude looks awful.

    Ut oh, I better lock my door now. I may be down, but Brock and them don’t take kindly to me calling anyone a “black” anything… Learned that lesson in the club one night on a goose bender. ha

  11. Duke Nupe '04 Says:

    Sorry Be, but Rule No. 1 always has been and always will be:

    NO GAY SHIT.

    Look it up.

  12. Lake Arlington Says:

    I’m beginning to think okolepuka is Karl Malone for real! Park City, LDS, Jelo Not Shots… I can’t take it. Hey, it was hard enough for me to watch Big Love until Margene started really getting her “Git me Done” on… now this.

    Mitt Romney a mufucka (Piccolo Player too)!!!

  13. okolepuka Says:

    @Lake-Ha! That post was funny as hell.

    You want a glimpse behind the Zion Curtain? Mormons love, and I mean LOOOVE when celebrities convert, either basketball or singers or anyone. They start a whole new career playing in the Mormon corridor. It is an absolute trip.

    Check it out:
    Thurl Bailey used to play for the Jazz.

    Thurl Bailey-http://www.ldsmusicworld.com/artists/thurl_bailey.html

    Gladys Knight- http://www.ldsmusicworld.com/artists/gladys_knight.html

    Both Gladys and Thurl converted to the Mormon church. Thurl is making a healthy living. Gladys didn’t need the additional income but they sure do love her.

    Utah is a crazy place but I have grown to enjoy it.

    Who knows, maybe Carlos Boozer will convert while he is here in Utah.

  14. KIR in NV Says:

    Ladies, is it just me or is the Mailman one cowboy you’d like to saddle up and ride? Aside from his triflin’ underage baby making and ignoring said resultant offspring bs, of course. Ssshhh…don’t tell nobody but I hear he stray from the farm from time to time. I ain’t checkin for no man married or in a relationship so I can’t confirm. Maybe okolepuka can get the ish for us cuz I hear Karl like to stay on the light exotic tip with the jumpoff action. Also, I ain’t one to gossip so you ain’t heard that from me.

  15. Brock Hardon Says:

    Damn KIR. Is the full moon-a-risin? In the last week you’ve talking about banging out Carrot Top, Fitty, All left handed dudes, Karl Malone, Lake, Pharrell, and the rubber cack. We might need to send an intern out there to hose you down.

    By the way, I like it…

    …and Be, don’t think I missed your talk of the drill, training sessions and affinity for Duracell powered self satisfaction.

  16. KIR in NV Says:

    Everytime I see Kyle Farnsworth whoopin someone’s ass – and let’s be real, the kid can bring it – I always wonder how his bishop runs that back for him at the temple meeting. Oh yes, Mr. Farnsworth is a member of the Mormon Militia.

    Lemme think on some other LDS in sports besides the obvious ones: Jeff Kent (MLB ass), Jacoby Ellsbury (MLB), Andy Reid (NFL), Mark Madsen (NBA), Scott Pollard (NBA), Brandon Manumaleuna (NFL), Eric Weddle (NFL), Sean Salisbury (NFL / ESPN).

    They do be loving some converts though. That’s why I gotta roll lights out at the crib on a Saturday evening. Can’t be having Rulon and Brigham trying to fill their mission quota on me when I’m trying to watch some Scrubs reruns.

  17. KIR in NV Says:

    @Brock: send me a pic of the intern. I’ll let you know.

  18. okolepuka Says:

    @KIR-Damn, I don’t care who you are, you are posting some funny shit!

    I don’t know anything about Karl Malones extramarital sexual activities. I wouldn’t doubt it though, ladies in Utah go wild if they give up their religion, and I mean WILD.

    Some of my best experiences have been in Utah with lapsed Mormon girls.

    Malones wife is pretty good looking though and I wouldn’t doubt it if she kept him on a short leash.

  19. Brock Hardon Says:

    You keep talking the way you’re talking and I might have to send Hock Bardon, my…uhhhhh…cousin on my momma’s side who looks just like me.

  20. Lake Arlington Says:

    Kir, your rhetoric is fucking fire. I’m too busy with other shit, but this is hilarious. Gladys, Brigham, Farnsworth and Jacoby….who knew? Wild Jelo Nots, crazy conversions, going blair witch “all lights off” to avoid the prophet and such. it’s just too much to take in at once. And Hock is right, you done shouted out a wild Carrot, 50, Karl, Chase Utley, our intern and lefties… I mean, I’m dying over here.

    By the way, the Padres are adios, ya dig? ha

  21. otis Says:

    wow @ all the mormons in sports. hmm should i be worried? only mormons i know are on big love and they got alot of wives so im in sign me up as long as i dont have to mess with my daughters or any kind of incestual stuff thanx

  22. okolepuka Says:

    Gary Coleman and the Mormon connection:

    There is a leader in the Mormon Church named Gary Coleman: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_J._Coleman

    Gary Coleman starred in a Mormon Movie called Church Ball:
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0457303/

    Getting a, um, little work within the Mormon Entertainment Industry.

  23. KIR in NV Says:

    @okolepuka: I know Miz Malone is attractive but we all understand that has nothing to do with whether or not your man steps out. I have found that the shorter the leash, the more likely the dog gonna be marking his territory. Seriously, I don’t get my girls who are always running the recon on their men. If he’s that shady, cut him loose.

    @Brock: Let your cousin know I’m booked solid this weekend so I will have to holla at him later.

    @Lake: Padres? Why you gotta do me like that? I thought we were cool.

    @Otis: Multiple wives? You don’t want it. Think about the worse day ever with your current lady and multiply it. I *might* be wrong but I think the cons outweigh the pros if you pencil it all the way out.

  24. otis Says:

    @ kir – it could be good though u gotta have diff houses and if one wilds out tell her stfu and go to the others. think about how much poon u would be getting amazing but then again tat is alot of headache but oh well f it 6 tots are better then 2 tots

  25. KIR in NV Says:

    I’m sorry but I was distracted by Gary’s icy grill in the first pic so I just now noticed little man is pushing a Saturn Sky. Oh, hell no. I bet if I dig through my purse right now, I could come up with enough change to buy a hoopty off Craigslist that would blow the doors off that POS. A 4 banger “luxury sports car”? I know I could outrun that on my Razor scooter.

    That Diff’rent Strokes money ain’t shit. Well, at least you know your wife ain’t in it for the money. Must be the sex.

    You know what? I’m such a bitch, I’m gonna throw a flag on myself. That was some clipping. 15 yards.

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