Republican Family Values: John Mac Chooses Ice Milf With Issues

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Who knew so much could happen over such a short period of time. I’m a bit behind given my 5 day weekend and you’d essentially have to be living under a damn rock to have missed this, but to counter Barack Obama’s 38 Million Viewers on Thursday night, John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Jeez.  Where do I start?  When I heard they picked the Governor from Alaska, I was pretty much shocked, then confused, then honestly, I just laughed. One thing I really appreciate about the Republicans is how disrespectful they are to those whom they claim to actually represent.  It’s not that they think Americans are stupid, they KNOW we are and continue to act like it.  In some weird way, I like that about them.  But even most of my Republican friends admitted to me that they didn’t see this Harriet Myers special 2.0 coming.  Sarah Palin?  The chick hasn’t been in the Governor’s mansion for more than 20 months and already she’s under investigation for trying to fire her sister’s ex hubby, but she’s “Ready To Lead Amurica with integrity”?  Puulease…  I mean, who’s running that campaign over there, the Tranny from I Want To Work For Diddy?

First, Barack Obama starts whipping your ass in the polls, so McCain and company put their thinking caps on and come up with the concept that he’s “too popular to lead.”

Perfect.  That makes sense.  A cat who is trying to gain in popularity so he can win an election is now getting criticized for being popular.  I completely get that.  Next they cook up this tasty VP choice which is one part Republican Family Values play, one part Hillary Femi-Nazi pandering.

Right, because those pro Hillary women aren’t going to get that Palin basically stands in stark opposition to each and every position Hillary Clinton holds.  Nah, they just care that she’s rolling with breasts and a vagina….Come on now, she’s Pro Igloo, Anti Abortion Rights, Anti Sex Education (even though her daughter takes more Nordic Dack than a female Moose in heat), Pro Winter, Anti Seal and Pro Gun!  How’s that going to motivate Hillary Democrats?  Oh no, I know, they think that men are suddenly going to forget that they’re sexist and vote for her because she’s got such solid Milf appeal, right?

(Maybe it’s just me, but something aint right about this chick in the eyes)

And hell no I’m not impressed that she was the second runner up in the “Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant” back in the 80’s.  She’s decent looking, no question, but did yall see who actually won the crown that year?

Let’s face it, it’s Alaska.  The standard aint that high.  Borat had tighter hoes back home than Carlos Boozer ever saw before he went to college.  Plus, the babes have to stay inside half the damn year.  Trust me, they aint just burning whale blubber and eating baby seal to keep warm, either.  Shoot, I knew a chick from Alaska in college and all she wanted to go is get freaky.  Shit, sex is more popular in Alaska than hockey pucks, ice fishing and meth all combined.  That’s why Palin has 4 errr 5 kids and her daughter has 2 errrr 1 errrr a baby on the way.

That’s right, her 17 year old daughter, Bristol Palin, you know the one who is benefiting from all those advanced “prayer based” forms of contraception, has allowed Jesus, with the help of her boyfriend “Twig,” to place an original sin inspired brick of Chunky Monkey in her belly piece and if you believe the blogs out here, this aint the first time either.

That Belly bump on the far right is no joke. Hey Bristol, just a little advice, when you live in Alaska where there is 24 hours of darkness for 4 months straight, “girl Imma make luv to you to the break of dawn” might not be such a good motif to go by.

And now they’re on that, “she’s in the process of marrying her boyfriend”..   Oh course she is.  After all, nothing says “conservative values” like doubling down on an already fucked up situation by marrying the pimpled-faced, Igloo Eagle Scout who knocked you up in the first place.

Ha, supposedly this is the dude right here.  Oh yeah, he’s definitely got that “I’m about to marry that 17 year old chick I don’t really like because her mom needs me to in order to justify her ‘do as I say, not as I do’ political agenda.”  It’s all in the eyes, he’s ready to do his duty for Amurica.  AHNT

I know, I know, this Palin choice was “fully vetted” and you GOP types were there when ole Twig was laying that Alaskan lumber to young Bristol.  You knew all along that because of her mom’s political views, she’d be forced into the international spotlight as the very personification of your hypocritical and ineffective policy positions.  Yep, she too is ready to take that bullet for Amurica…riiiight.  haaaa

Even Cindy thinks you fuked this one up buddy.

All I can say is that I know for damn sure the Republicans are lucky Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast today and provided a little cover.  Shiiiiit, that gave them the time they needed to get their stories straight.  Did you see how quickly they canceled all their shit?  Kind of reminded me how quick I was back in my school days to let someone else present first when I knew good and well I hadn’t done shit for that science project.  Oh they’ll tell you they knew about this all along, but saying you knew a 17 year old was preggers is just a bold faced lie.

One thing that’s for sure, this guarandamntees that I’ll be watching Gov. Palin’s speech this week.  Let me guess what she’ll say, this is “a family matter” and her family “needs time to deal with this, blah, blah blah, prayer, this isn’t political, but MY DAUGHTER IS KEEPING THE BABY because we respect life!!!!” haaaaaaa   I love it.

You know what the Republicans should do?  Keep Palin, dump McCain and nominate R. Kelly for President of the United States.

Now hold on, just think about it.   It’d be all pandering, all the time.  After all, is there a more religious man than R?  Shoot, Jesus stays up in his songs, so the religious right will be happy.  Then you’d be able to run him to black folks like he’s that viable alternative to Barack…right?  That ought to make this historic run even more classy….  Then, and this is the kicker, we know he likes them young girls, so he’s literally be able to bang out Palin’s daughter “til the break of dawn,” six months of darkness or not!  And that’s before he offered to keep her warm while “piss on you” played in the background, right?  What, no go?  ha

– Lake

——————-UPDATE————————

Are her kids really named Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig?  Jeez.  Those sound like Paint colors…or wood finishes.  What were Saddle, Rumpus, Vault, Rudder and Twist already taken?  Are these kids or Transformers?  This is great.  The only better thing would be if the pregnant one was Piper.  No, not because Piper is 7.  Because a pregnant teen named Piper is funnier.  You know nominal presidposition to actually getting “piped”.  My Bad.

-Brock

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13 Responses to “Republican Family Values: John Mac Chooses Ice Milf With Issues”

  1. Mrod Says:

    I’m Alaskan and I endorse Lake’s message.

  2. doggie d Says:

    This woman is completely unqualified for the position. Pandering to Clinton supporters, family issues… Harriet Myers thinks this woman is total bullshit. Horrible decision by McCain. You have to question his judgment. Seriously. John is an old man with health problems and this woman isn’t ready to be anybody’s President. Not even close.

  3. Jacket blue Says:

    Great blog. How can they say Obama isn’t ready, but nominate this chick who has almost no experience at all? I don’t understand.

  4. jkay Says:

    I kind of feel like the Republicans don’t want McCain to win for whatever reason. Sabotage on a different level is coming I’m telling you. Those motherfuckers (excuse my language but I’m personally blown he thinks women are this dumb) can’t be trusted for shit these days. Bush and da klan killed the shit out of our country in only 8 years. There is just no way this can be real. I don’t put shit past old white men like McBush.

    This Palin woman better get her shit split by Biden in the debates. He is a feisty one.

  5. otis Says:

    hahaha geezus this is gonna be crazy thats like makin oj simpson vp. this wowman has too many holes in all her stories and it kills the agruement they make by sayin the rock has no experience. like if mccains skin cancer comes back we are that much closer to having this no expericned hack be president hahaha

  6. Will Says:

    @Lake: DAWG anybody who knows shit about pregnancy can tell that ol Bristol is sporting the whole ‘bun in the oven’ pose in that picture!!

    My God in heaven – this country is so fucced on so many levels. has it really come down to this??? (i blame reality tv! lol 😛 )

  7. KIR in NV Says:

    First of all, let me just be clear that I don’t think Gov Palin is qualified to be VP, due to her lack of political experience. Being a councilmember, mayor and governor in a state that is pretty much figuratively and literally, the last frontier, is not a political asset.

    The matter of her trying to fire her former brother-in-law is a non-issue to me. I work in government and I can assure you that (way too) MANY jobs in government are at the pleasure of the administration…meaning that when a new council, commission, mayor, governor, president or whatever rolls in, you hold on to the empty boxes the copy paper comes in because you never know. That’s just how it is and is part of the reason government is so jacked up. You can’t sustain any momentum and people are always “playing it safe” so as to keep their jobs. It’s not a good system.

    As far as family values are concerned, I do find it kinda humorous that the Dems are all indignant over this situation with Palin’s daughter. I don’t think they have the moral high ground and would do well to keep it moving. I realize the “family values” bs is a basic tenet of the Republican party but this goes to show you that you can’t be throwing stones in your glass house and not expect to pick up some shards.

    Lastly, I’ll admit I’m taking the criticism of Bristol Palin way too personally as my parents found themselves in similar circumstances, with me being one of the many tragic results.

    I would hope everyone would remember this is a 16YO girl (and her 17YO boyfriend) we’re talking about. They’re teenagers doing things that millions of other teenagers are doing who also happened to get caught up in a pregnancy. I’m sure there are at least 2 or 3 parents – maybe even our own – across the country who could tell us all about a time their kid didn’t follow the script. Hopefully, when that happens, it’s not on a national stage with such serious consequences, but when it does happen, good parents help their children learn from their mistakes. At 16YO, I can admit I had some suspect judgment but thankfully I made it through. I hope the same for Bristol and Levi and their child.

    But then, what do I know, being a product of a “fucked up” situation? I guess I have nothing to contribute. I’m just gonna go sit down over there and contemplate what kind of woman I might have been if I hadn’t been the illegitimate seed of wanton slut and reckless bastard. Damn.

  8. fairlane Says:

    One must remember to never “Misunderestimate” the Wingnuts.

    I mean, after the first four years of Chimpy Mc Stagger, I thought, “No way in Hell they elect this moron to another four years. There’s simply no fucking way. He couldn’t be more inept if he hired a tutor.”

    Obviously, I was incorrect.

    As the saying goes, “Never underestimate the power of denial.”

    Or was it, the power of pathological stupidity?

    I forget.

    Oh well, I’m about to have lunch with my daughter, Rumpus, so, I must bid you a fond farewell.

  9. Todd Says:

    Pure comedy. You guys hit this one out of the park. Keep up the good work.

  10. Ian M. Summers Says:

    Kir in NV . . . . word.

    I’m not gonna lie, the blog was slacking for few weeks there. But today’s installment was like a good Dave Chappelle joke, just cause you’re laughing hard doesn’t mean it’s not insightful and damn true.

  11. Jackson P. Coltrane Says:

    Kir, the problem is that she put her daughter in this situation knowingly. You can’t run around talking about how you don’t support Sex Ed Programs and abstinence will fix everything when your daughter is fucking raw dog in her igloo. Hypocrisy 101. Don’t promote your bullshit, politically motivated policy initiatives when you can’t even keep shit straight in your own home. Deal with your kids before you try to help out mine. The daughter is completely relevant, her bs doesn’t even work in her own house, but she’s trying to be second in command? Hell no. Stick to hunting, fishing and mouse burgers.

  12. Pe. Riche. Says:

    Your entire post had me in tears btw.

    Anyways, the Republicans have created a wonderful train wreck in the making and I can not wait to witness the horrible resolution.

    Initially they picked Palin in a foul attempt to gather up all of Hilary’s voters. However, what they forgot to do was to pick someone with a brain, qualifications for the job, and someone who doesn’t have a family where babies are popping out of the woodworks. What she says and the way she actually lives are two separate and grossly disproportionate entities. I doubt she even knew that Alaska was apart of the U.S., much like how Bush regards Texas. I have a feeling this chick is the female version of Bush.

  13. youngmoney Says:

    ay man im a long time reader and i love all your stuff (no homo) but yall need to check out shawn johnson from the us gymnastics team i mean i know shes young but wait till she fills out she’ll be bad as hell in like 2 or 3 years

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