The Most Dangerous Blog Post In the World

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In a world where men huddle over computers, digging through blog after blog to provide the world with only the best news in the world, the men of Us Versus Them race against time to deliver comedy to the masses…before it’s too late.  Coming this Fall…Us Versus Them: Taking on the World…From the Edge…of Decency.

Sounds hot right?  Well that is what I thought when I first saw the commercial for Deadliest Catch.  Two story waves.  Icy cold water throwing men around on the deck.  Gigantic hooks and equipment swinging around the deck threatening to slice a man in half and throw him into the icy waters of the Arctic ocean.

When you string the twenty hottest moments of the season together into a thirty second commercial it is great.  So I watched the first episode…guys catching crabs.  Sometimes during the day.  Sometimes in the middle of the night.  Sometimes there are lots of crabs, sometimes there aren’t any crabs at all.  Then they have to rush back to get paid for the crabs.  Every.  Single.  Episode.  I keep waiting for a guy to get swept off the deck, waiting for some of the promised danger.  It never happens.  Don’t sell the show with all this danger if nothing dangerous ever happens.   Script it if you have to.  Make them do challenges like they’re on Survivor.  Stage a equipment breakdown.  Do something to make it more exciting.  One other ridiculous thing?

Have you ever seen the size of these damn crabs?  Sure, that looks okay on the plate if you’ve got a side of butter and a piece of lemon, but if one of these bastards was chilling in your family room when you walked in one day, you’d be calling animal control before you tried to mess with it.  You can grab a lobster and drop it in a vat of boiling water…but if you had to take one of these boys home to cook it yourself, the king crab industry would rapidly go to zero.  Seriously, you can’t tell me with a straight face that you wouldn’t put that crab in the trunk instead of the backseat if you had to take it home from the grocery store live.

Exactly.

So, based on the success of Deadliest Catch where no one ever dies.  There are a bunch of spin offs.  “Ax Men”.  Where loggers cut down trees in the forests of Oregon.

The most dangerous frontier in history, huh?  A poster with a tree falling on someone, dashing for safety.  Yeah, that never happens either.  At least there’s a guy with one hand that now cuts down trees using one good hand and a hook.  That’s got to count for something, but still nothing wild ever happens on the show.  They got cats that are too good at their jobs.  They need to follow people around that aren’t that good at their jobs, you know cutting the tree wrong so it will fall towards them…make it exciting. There is also “Ice Road Truckers”.

Where truck drivers…drive on ice.  Occasionally they slide just like I do when it is icy outside.  Sure, I’m not carrying 10 tons of material behind me so I guess that is supposed to be the dangerous part.  Who cares?  They’re trained to do it.  Either the truck breaks through the ice every other episode or I don’t want to see it.

You know what will never be a show?  Coal Mine…uhhhhh…Miners.  Because that shit is actually dangerous.

See, that looks fucked up already.

You are a 3 miles below the surface and 8 miles away from the entrance and there is a threat of explosion or collapse every single moment.  You know why Coal Mine Miners isn’t scheduled for the Fall?  Because if something goes wrong you are never getting any footage.  Everyone is dead.  The electronics in the camera alone might trigger an explosion.  No camera crew is going to stay down in a coal mine for an entire mining season…because there is no season they will be down there all the time until all the coal is gone, which takes a few decades.  Nothing glamorous there.

So Discovery Channel, step yo game up or stop selling danger when you ain’t got none.  Before long they’ll be showing “Lunch Ladies: Food with Attitude” and the constant threat of creamed corn burns.  Or “Crossing Guards: The Streets ain’t Safe No Mo”  You just can’t sell me anymore, you’ve already gone too far.  I’m going to go watch New York’s new show.  It is the real most dangerous show on television.  It is a major threat to my genius level IQ.  I’ve got lots of room to spare, but still.

-Brock

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