CBS to Billy Packer: Beat It Old Man

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YES!!!!  The sports curmudgeon is finally DEAD.  Well, at least his career at CBS is.  I didn’t think that old man would ever go.

I know, I know, he’s a legend in the business.  Yeah, so was Jesse Helms, but the angels above sang the sweet notes of jubillee when his punk ass kicked a few weeks back and then got checked direc-it-tally into the the shittiest room in hell’s smackdown motel.

Bottom line, Billy Packer’s commentary skills weren’t worth all the bs that came along with them.  Besides, did we really need to be calling a grown ass man “Billy” anyway?  In my estimation, there are two kinds of grown ass Billys in the world.  Country hicks who think Barack Obama is a Muslim that’s trying to covertly take over the United States gobment and punk ass dudes in pink polo’s with popped collars who rock that Billy because it fits nicely with that sailing, “I’m going down to the lake,” prep boy angle they’re working.

Note that Billy Packer is neither.  He’s just an old man named Billy who got canned about 15 years too late. I mean, I’m not sure McCain errr Billy even knows who he is at this point.

The old cat just looks confused.

But back to this Billy thing. Rule of thumb, once you hit 6th grade, it’s time to cash that “Billy” moniker in for either “Will” or “Bill” and definitely steer clear of that “Willy.”  Just like all you Suzys need to become Suzanne, Timmys need to become Tim and so on.  But don’t take that shit too far either.  Don’t you hate it when you reunite with one of your high school friends named, oh I don’t know, “Andy” and all of a sudden, they demand that you call them “Andrew”?

Lake:  Heeey, Andy Jamison, how the hell are you?  What, it’s been like 8 years, right?  How are your parents and that sister… 😉

Andy:  Everyone’s good, but hey, it’s Andrew now.

Lake:  What’d you say?

Andy:  Andrew.  Nobody’s called me Andy since I left home.

Lake: Fuck you… Yo’ mama call you Andy, I’mma call you Andy, punk.  And watch that lip too.  Don’t get fresh with me, Andy.  Lest I bring you allll the way back to middle school and the true genesis of Andy as in “Andy’s a mufucka” Andy, bitch.  (And if you don’t believe conversations with me can escalate like this, ask Brock, he’s seen it..ha)

Ok, so I exaggerated a little bit at the end.  I didn’t call him a bitch…per say.  Ha.  But rest assured, I had that conversation with a slug named “Andrew” long about 6 months ago and still don’t like his tone, even as I write it now.  What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, Billy Packer’s a mufucka and I’m glad he’s gone.  Now all we need to do is get rid of that annoying ass Dack Vitale and all his “awesome baby” and “diaper dandy dunk-a-roo” step-n-fetch show and college basketball will be good again.

Cats gotta realize, if I’m aware of you as an announcer, you’re not doing your job.  I don’t want to know who is announcing the game when JJ Redick pulls up for three or when Dahntay Jones puts

on someone’s face, ok?  A good announcer blends into the game like the goal, court and refs.  Bad announcers have “signature lines” like that awful “Ohhhhh, it’s an A Bomb from A-Rod”…..AHNT  In fact, let’s just purge all these self important jackasses who make themselves bigger than the games they cover and start fresh.  Here’s my short list of jerks who need to get to steppin’ off my tv screen:

1.  Dick Vitale

2.  Joe “Fuck” Buck (arrogant prick who showed his true colors with that Randy Moss “disgrace” nonsense)

3.  Mike Patrick (complete idiot and always over calling games with reference to some senior ACC guard “How about that, he’s some kinda player”)  AHNNNNNTTTT

4.  John Madden (Don’t hate John, but his time has come)

5.  Bryant Gumbel (I know he’s like a giant in the biz and one of the early hot play callers, but he’s fucking terrible at this point.  His NFL Network games are BRUTAL to listen to.  I’m tired of hearing his bullshit, pedestrian (that was for slick jefferson) ass voice coupled with those entirely ahnt observations that the color guy should be making.  All in all, just a horrible cat in the booth.)

And I’m not all negative, here are some guys I love:

1.  Jeff Van Gundy (this cat is quietly hilarious, but definitely knows the game.  He also calls out the bullshit and boneheaded calls, plays and adjustments by coaches, a real pro)

2.  Gus Johnson (His rhetoric is top notch and he can really hype up a college football game)

3.  Bill Rafferty – (“With the kiss” is still a hot line and that “send it in Jerome” is still one of my favorite calls in all of sports).

Anyway, I guess you can tell I’m happy that Billy is gone.  With my luck, dude will end up doing MORE Duke games on Espn or something, but until then, I’m a happy camper.

– Lake

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3 Responses to “CBS to Billy Packer: Beat It Old Man”

  1. Manuva Says:

    Totally agree with the Jeff Gundy commentating-skillz. He and Mark Jackson have real good chemistry. It made the playoffs pretty entertaining.

    I mean, only a little bit more entertaining

  2. Slick Jefferson Says:

    Thanks for the shout. I put Gumbel’s voice squarely in nasal-bordering-on-paisley-socks territory, but I get what you’re saying. I gotta give a holler at Boomer Esiason, though. The cat is so terrible at calling games that they only let him do it on the radio.

  3. Will Says:

    @Manuva: true on that Van Gundy/Jackson commentation – which was overall better than the ACTUAL playoffs.

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