Barbershop Logic: The New Gaydar

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I don’t know how many of you have ever been to a black barbershop, but it is honestly one of the funniest places on earth.

It is just a bunch of Black men standing around offering either completely underinformed or hilariously overinformed opinions on everything. This one killed me though. Here’s the story.

Brian McKnight did a show here and some of the dudes in the shop went. (Of course they had to emphasize that their ladies dragged them there…and they didn’t like it) I guess at some point Brian McKnight was giving shouts out to the crowd to all the couples out there and specifically a gay male couple, saying, “I see you guys out there too, God bless you” So the original controversy was that he said “God bless you”, but the conversation rapidly turned to the fact that Brian McKnight must be gay.

Okay, first of all, 70 percent of all male pop and R&B singers automatically come under suspicion. It must have something to do with all the sensitive love songs they are putting out there. Then the barber in the booth next to me said “I always knew Brian McKnight was gay”. The debate started up “you just think that because he’s a singer”, “I thought he was gay too”, “nah, I’ve seen him in the club with some bad bitches dawg”, but my man stayed firm, 100% sure. Finally, someone called him on it and asked. “Yo why are you so sure?”

“No Pockets”

*silence*

“He never has on pockets. If your pants ain’t got no pockets…you gay” The evidence:

Damn, he’s right. No pockets. If he had pockets, the hands would be in the pockets, not on the place on his thighs where his pockets should be. I wasn’t convinced. You know me, I had to do more research.

Aw damn, I’m thinking those snakeskin pants ain’t got no pockets. There is definitely a trend here.

Then they went to Prince. I had to say, look, Prince has been with some of the baddest chicks of all time: Vanity, Carmen Electra, Apollonia, Sheena Easton, Mayte Garcia, and is currently doing it Hugh Heffner style with these two ladies.

That’s not gay to me. Sure the man wears high heels, he plays shirts vs. blouses basketball on the shores of Lake Minnetonka, but I say he’s not gay. The debate raged on until it settled down and got around to my man in the next booth.

“No Pockets”

Damn. He’s right again. Airtight logic, what could I say? I guess that gives new meaning to the term “get your pockets right”.

-Brock

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3 Responses to “Barbershop Logic: The New Gaydar”

  1. Will Says:

    Yo Brock this joint is on point!! lol Ionknow about RnB cats in general: most ‘um look rather ‘pony’ …but I will speak on The Purple One!
    His Highness’ sexuality has been in question since Day 1 (Controversy) of his stellar career. We can all say what we want, but when it comes to His Purple Majesty, the man has lived a life we couldn’t even imagine (not saying I imgained it lol). This dude has been the most ambiguous cat of all time, dressed in womens clothing, disenfranchised himself from not one, not two, but THREE diff groups, sold something close to a billion records…..and laid pipe to the BADDEST BITCHES on Earth! Shit – I’d be Prince for a day 🙂 -Purple Will

  2. Triple_B Says:

    You said it man! Nobody mess with the 3-zus.

    Ok I ain’t gone lie. I set out to break this theory immediately. Not that it doesn’t have merit. Barber shop logic is surprisingly simple and effective and at the same time astoundingly esoteric. I remember one convo I had about taxes and my barber (I swear this true) said he didn’t pay taxes. Now i didn’t question that. The B let him have that but I did say that it wouldn’t be long before they came to get the money, his stuff or him. His response…..”Government try to take my shit. i’ll burn my damn house down”. He was dead serious.

    INCREDIBLE!!

    Of course this led to a barrage of questions Not the least of which was “What sense does that make?!” But the man stood firm. You gotta respect that.

    So back to “No pockets” Brock has presented some good evidence and put forward a good argument. I believe Prince to be exempt to this cuz he lives in Prince-world (You know he shops in Nordstrom Boys Dept. for regular gear? Again, no lie). No pockets tho? Pockets? I mean cmon man we talking bout pockets. Pockets. Not gear in general, not the shoes. pockets.

    Well i know one man that can bust this whole thing wide open. Luther. Yes Luther, you. Don’t get mad. You have given us tons of questionable looks over the years. Like this. I mean that jacket is not just shiny it’s shimmering. Straight cats shimmer. Fact. Also it’s a quest to find full length shots of ya Lou.

    Touche.

    And is that a pocket i see? Well looks like thing are turning around. Your orientation is still question tho. I mean you sell out shows, you swoon the ho’s, and you got money hanging out your backdoe. So where’s Mrs. Van Dross? Huh? Cmon Luther it’s a legitimate question. Nothing? Okay maybe i overstepped my bounds. Maybe it went too far. I’ll ease up. But I know R-ah ain’t gay! And he always has pockets!

    Oh snap.

    You think ya better than me, Luther?! I’m just sayin you gave us all types of looks. Sometimes you were big (whoadie). Sometimes you were small. sometimes you had pockets. Sometimes you didn’t (WHOA-DIE). And of course sometimes the curl was right! And other times…not-quite-so-right/a>. So what is it Luther? What is the final verdict?

    I feel you playa. Continue pimpin.

  3. Pe. Riche Says:

    I can see how this theory would lead to one suspecting that a pocketless man is gay. As a male, you guys have to really put in serious effort to find pants without pockets.

    Today a male coworker and I were comparing men’s and women’s clothing. Basically, men can buy pants with a trillion pockets and fit so much stuff (crap) in there, while for us women, if our pants even have pockets to being with, our pockets are so small that we truly can’t carry anything of substance in them. But how that can lead to a man’s sexual orientation or sexual preference is beyond me. Now, I don’t care how many pockets maybe there, but if I see a guy wearing daisy dukes, then he is gay.

    But all in all, you men have far too many rules. I don’t care what any of you say, being a woman is less complicated.

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