Archive for June, 2008

I Hate Fake Vegetarians

June 25, 2008

Let’s just get this out of the way.  I love food.  I don’t eat anything nasty, I stay away from any thing too exotic or anything I can’t identify, but other than that, if you are a land or water animal and you are sold in the average American supermarket, you are in danger of ending up on Brock’s grill sizzling over some hot coals.

I know everyone is not down with that.  There are a few reasons to be vegetarian.

1. You don’t believe in killing animals.  Fair enough.  Everyone has got to have something they believe in.  Meat is murder, right.  Plus, Peta thing is great.  They somehow convince people to get butt naked for the cause.

We need more causes like that.

2. You don’t think meat is healthy.  I guess this sounds right.  If this was the case, all vegetarians would end up looking like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.  Hmmmmmm, that is not true.  I guess loading up on the bread, pasta and cheese as overcompensation for not eating an entire food group that it is our God given right to consume.

3. You just like vegetables better…I guess?  Fine, but that means you probably need to eat this stuff for protein.

Man, they don’t work to hard to make it look good huh?  Tofu is a tough road.

[Quick side thought…if I only like pussy, does that make me a “vagetarian”?  It is an exclusive diet, no meat on the menu in that department.  Discuss…we’ll revisit that later]

Okay, here’s my beef.  If you are going to be vegetarian keep it real.  Stay away from the veggie burgers, the tofu dogs, and especially this.

TOFU BOLOGNA?!?!  Come on.  You don’t eat meat, you can’t go to the lowest denominator.  People who eat meat don’t even eat bologna.  Seriously, have some principles people.  If you don’t eat meat, don’t eat meat.  Don’t eat some sort of pseudo meat to satisfy that primal urge that lives in all of us.  That’s just selling out, go hard dammit.

You know how Theo and Bill used to talk about making Bacon Burger Dogs out on the grill out back?  I don’t know what that is, but it sounds delicious.


Amy Winehouse is on that Stuff…

June 24, 2008

And as Lake would say, ones of people are surprised. Look, the chick went from this:

Regular looking babe. To this:

You can tell from the arm shrinkage that she has already signed up for that street pharmaceutical diet. then she hit you with this.

And this is unconfirmed, but apparently they tried to make her go to rehab and she said no, no, no.

Well I guess Amy has taken it all too far because she just got checked into the hospital with emphysema triggered by smoking that crack. 65 year olds who smoke three packs a day get emphysema. How much crack did this chick smoke? Someone should have intervened a little earlier dont’cha think? We’ll see if she wakes up after this incident and lays off the rocks. In the meantime, can someone explain to me why everyone likes her music? Thanks.



I aint right to say, but this babe is officially on death watch. I mean, look at the broad:

I mean, just look at her.  Coked up, dacked down..  All kinds of wild cuts and scars.  Looks like the babe just came out of battle.  Jesus.  You know, I think I’d be at peace with her fate if she’d only kill that bird’s nest that rests atop her dome.  I mean, what the fuck is that and how is it that the rest of her is falling apart, but the lump somehow manages to sit on high, chillin like, “drugs cannot harm me”… I mean, what is that, a wig, toupé?  Like, for real.. what’s going on?

– Lake

Shaq Spits Diss Raps About Kobe and the Taste of His Arse? Awful.

June 24, 2008

Shaq’s act got old quickly. I mean, I was with my man when his good for nothing, ungrateful wife piece was doing the vida loca with the “personal trainer” but this shit is ridiculous. I guess Shaq was free styling, which by the way is one of those things you should just pledge not to ever do once you hit the age of 30 (and by the way, it should be past the age of 21, but I’ll let the hip hop babies live their dreams for an additional decade because I love ya). So this old ass giant mug was spitting pre made disses errr free styles and he started in about Kobe, how his ass tastes and why his wife left him…It was fucking awful, just peep it.

“You know how I be. Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me. Hey Kobe, how does my ass taste.”

Xactly…Oh and this is how Shaq rides off gracefully into the sunset in the twilight of his career?

“I’m a horse. Kobe ratted me out. That’s why I’m getting divorced. He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil. I don’t do that ’cause my name’s Shaquille. I love ’em, I don’t leave ’em. I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ’em.”

Damn, I guess we just got that full confirmation that not even the ghost of Red Auerbach himself was cheering harder for the Celtics to win than Shaq was? I mean, come on Shaq, how could you, one of the 50 best players of all time, a cat with FOUR Championship rings, have been reduced to a simple hater?

What happened to the good ole days? Hey Shaq, I’ll just go ahead and say what Kobe should be able but can’t say:

1. You’re all washed up. You SUCKED this year for PHX. I mean, ones of fans actually think that trade made sense and then even fewer liked it once you got there.

2. You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are, in fact, you’re a straight up Grade A cornball.

I mean, sure you’ve got personality, but truth be told, it kind of sucks. I know lots of people give you dap for being “a good guy” but we’re talking about a cat who does or does not have the charisma to rap, tell jokes and just be the man in a room. YOU DON’T HAVE THAT. Your “IT” factor died once your vertical became 1/4 of your waist size.

3. You can’t rap. Your album only sold because you were the only “rapper” meaning black dude that white parents ever heard of so they bought their kids your album by default. Your flow is god-awful and your rhymes suck. “Nick nack Shaq attack, give a dog a bone…..I know I got skillz man, I know I got skillz“.. Remember that? Fucking awful then, still awful now.

4.. If you keep this up, you’ll start to make people believe that Shaunie was right for ditching you and getting with Rico Suave.

Act like you’ve been there, kick back, steal that last year of loot on that contract and then just ride off into the sunset like Bill Russell or even Magic. Stay in your lane son and yes, even a crazy talented cat like you does have a lane. You don’t have the game to pull stunts like this my friend. And sadly for you, Kobe still does. Accept it.

– Lake

Dreadlock Guy: We Need to Talk

June 24, 2008

You know we keep it real here at Us Versus Them.  We’ve already talked to neck tattoo guy, and gay face guy, but this one is a little touchy.  We need to have a talk with dreadlock guy.  Ok, here’s my first question.  How does it go from this:

Hey, you’ve gotta start somewhere.  Orderly, evenly spaced.  It all seems like a good idea at this point.  Then you miss a few sessions of getting your joints separated and suddenly you have one big dread.

Seriously, that dude has like 5 dreads.  It never starts off like that, so why does it end up like that?  You gotta keep em separated.

Also, why does the old man dread cat feel like he’s not going bald while the dreads just keep peeling off the dome like sod.  Hell I’ve seen the old cat lose a dread and just tie it back on like it never fell off.

No matter how wild this dude looks, balding dread guy, you’ve got a little bit of predator in you too.

Oh, and business dread cat.  I know, I know, you’re just expressing your culture and as long as you keep em tied up it is all good, right?


Look, I don’t care what kind of suit you have on, if you are also wearing a rubber band, a hair band, a scrunchie or whatever the hell you’ve got back there holding down that ponytail it is all negated.  Don’t worry, white ponytail dude is in the same boat.  Unless you are in IT, or you work in some sort of artistic capacity, no matter how much you want to trick yourself…you are losing at least two “upward mobility” points with that haircut.

Do yourself a favor, visit a barber today and let him know you need more than a lineup.


Good n Turrible: Celtics Champs Aftermath

June 23, 2008

Look, I know I’m crazy late on this but I just needed to let you know that the Celtics win hasn’t been ALL good in Boston. It’s the classic of Good n Terrible. See… Good:

And just fucking terrible.

No words…

Apparently Marlo didn’t get it either. Oh, but wait, it kinda got worse at the parade:

Say what? Is that a C-section scar? Has this cat Glenn “Big Baby” Davis EVER seen a weight room? That’s just wrong… Really, there is NOTHING right about that shot.. NOT.A.DAMN.THING. Help…him. Thank god those arms are up… Jeez.

– Lake

Sub-Prime Time? Pacman Jones’ Home Reportedly in Foreclosure

June 23, 2008

I just got word from my boy Brock that Adam “Pacman” Jones’ two million dollar home is presently in foreclosure.

I actually hate the Pacman Jones bashing because the way I see it, the dude hasn’t ever been convicted of anything and most of these alleged charges are just some unfortunate cats looking to get paid ala Eddie Murphy’s sprained eyes skit in Raw, but I just had to join the haters on this one.

Pac, daaaaamn homey, two years ago you was that maaaaan homey, seriously, WTF happened to you?

And you think dude would have learned his lesson what with all those terrible (and by terrible I mean GREAT) Credit Report Commercials.

“F.R.E.E. that spells free, credit report dot com babee, now instead of playing ball and livin’ phat, my crib is up for sale behind some trifling ass hood rats…”

Look, I’m about as white as it gets, but I still get a kick out of white dudes using “urban slang” in a slightly off key manner. Remember that hot Chicken McNuggets commericial?

“Ketchup and mayo…ketchup and maaaayo, McNuggets, McNuggets WHAT!…dippin it in that BBQ Sauce.” LOL. Maybe I’m a weird cat, but that shit is just funny to me. Oh and what about that garbage ass “freestyle” with this clown at the Taco Bell drive-thru?

Nice, your flow is only about 30 years old though pal. And is there a reason why these white dudes have to look like they’ve never bathed? I mean, for real, Mike D from the Beastie Boys was rhyming like that when Lake was in mink diapers, ya dig?

And you know that all these ads are coming from the same bullshit cat…Just writing rhymes and getting over. Wow, another major digression. Imagine that.

Ok, back to Pac. Somebody needs to tell this cat that this NFL money isn’t all that long lasting, ya know? You can’t be missing a full year of employment when the average lifespan of an NFL career is 3 years deep. And unless they legalize dog fighting or Pac mayne gets his own line of skrip clubs, somehow I don’t see Pac being very solvent a few years past playing. Homey best live it up now. Sure, we all know the story. He’ll lose all his damn money, show up in the XFL, Arena Football, CFL or the Surreal life or something, find Jesus and then he’ll be looking to be a minister/”help youth” not go down the wrong path. I hate to be so cynical, but it’s probably true.

Anyway, I feel for Pac and I hope he gets off to a fresh start out in Dallas with TO and company. Truth be told, I’m rooting for Pacman right now. I’d love for him to stick it in the face of all these haters who just use him to articulate their utter disdain for the un-sold black athlete.

– Lake

Man Up Monday: Guys Who Put the Toilet Seat Down

June 23, 2008

This “rule” is always hilarious to me. Every dude runs into this lecture long about 3am after you are chillin’ over at a chicks house and she makes that middle of the night dash to the bathroom. She comes back and hits you with the demand that you put down the toilet seat. Sure, I’ve heard it is the rule, but who thinks about that when you are buzzin’ after the party, and can only concentrate on how good that post-cut piss feels. In fact, she should be happy that I even took the time to put the toilet seat up. I coulda just hosed the whole spot down. Fine, I’ll follow rules if it means I can cut on the regular. Then came lesson #2. “Put the toilet seat down” apparently also doesn’t mean this.

Toilet seat down, right? Nah, this ain’t it. Apparently this just means that the chick catches an assfull of icy cold porcelain in the middle of the night. So I initially thought this was just some kind of aesthetic demand, but then I figured out that these chicks just back it on in in the dark. Come on, you don’t at least check it? Is that the benefit of sitting down, that you don’t need the lights so aim so you just take the next step and feel around in the dark like the blind?

So FYI, here is what they’re looking for.

Locked, loaded and ready to go. I guess.

How about this, it is man up Monday fellas. Here’s the new rule. Do what I do. When a girl comes by the crib, demand that she leaves your toilet seat UP.

That’s what I’m talking about. Make it convenient for what I’ve got to do. I might even start trying to shoot in the dark too. Why not? It’s my mf’n house. I’ll work it out eventually. As long as I don’t catch that post-nut split stream.

Don’t act like it’s just me.

Fellas. Man Up!



Dude, you aint never lied about this one.  I hate that bullshit “I’ll fallen in” nonsense.  If you fell in, it’s your own damn fault.

It’s not like men don’t have to put the seat down to hit up #2, we do and my dude, I aint fallen in yet.  I wonder why that is, oh yes, BECAUSE I’M AN ADULT WHO LOOKS DOWN BEFORE PUTTING MY ASS ANYWHERE, UmmmKay?

Yall chicks are too much.  Don’t you have enough in this world?  Engagement rings, presumptive payment of your dranks and dinners, warnings on traffic tickets, “ladies free before Eleven”….   I know, I know, “I’ve got the money to buy my own”, sure, but do you got money to buy MINE too?  Because that’s what I’m expected to have errrytime I hit the streets.  And dudes, believe me, if you don’t have the jack to pay for the whole night, just keep it low with a “it’s not delivery it’s DiGiornos” and your blockbuster pick of the week.  I mean, if you don’t got it, don’t even try.  You can’t win.

Anyway, this just aint something I’m willing to compromise on.  Seat stay up yall.  And don’t think that because the seat stays down your man or worse, the dude you’re just messing with won’t play target practice on the seat down toilet…he will.  WE ALL HAVE BEFORE.

Don’t sleep, you want that hole as large and spacious as you can possibly get it.  Talk about falling in, you’ll think you’re at that Chi Town aRa Kelly Memorial Water Park messing with Lake Jr. after a night flying with the Goose.  Book it, seats up!

– Lake, King of the Castle

I’m Shook: Booty Injections Are Running Rampant!

June 23, 2008

Us Versus Them. I’ve got a confession. I’ve been in mourning. My food doesn’t taste good. The sky just doesn’t seem as blue anymore. The leaves on the trees just don’t seem as green as they used to. My ride doesn’t seem as fast anymore.

The gel booty controversy has shaken me to my very core. For instance, this used to be my favorite Nike ad.

Is she really an athlete? Is she gellin’? I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’ve dedicated my life to the study of Assology. I developed the theory of Tailonomics. I lead the field. Once I found out about the gel…and I’m just not right. It’s like finding out Santa Claus isn’t real, that your parents don’t love each other anymore, and that Britney Spears ain’t tight any more all in the same day. I can’t take it.

Now there’s this.

This asshole is Anthony Donnell Solomon. He is down in Miami having “pumping parties” where he invites babes (and I use that term very loosely as he also helps trannys get a tailpiece…yikes). Is it really that easy? Tony Donnell up there doesn’t look like a doctor to me. He’s just rolling around the M.I.A. slanging syringes full of silicone? If this is street practice then it sure as hell is happening in legitimate places of plastic surgery.

Pumping Parties? Talk about what you don’t know won’t hurt you…but now I know. Forget “knowing is half the battle”, knowing this means that the battle is long gone and the war may be over.

I don’t know if I’m ready to give in just yet. But if these things are called pumping parties then Eddie Murphy might have been talking about Angel Lola Luv in his classic jam.

My girl wants to party all the time.




Truly disturbing.  I remember a time when if you heard a dude was “selling ass” you could trust that he was just running some hoes.  Then in the 90s you realized that some gay cats had gone and bastardized the term along with “DL” (which really hurt me by the way) and now this.  I mean, something aint right when you’re going to get some ass, but instead of hittin the club, you reach for your medical bag and a tube full of goo.  Lock this mufucker up and throw away the key!  This is like some scary ass, fucked up sequel to that movie Se7en.  I mean, who knows when or where these ass bandits will strike next?

Ok, but who else?  AHNT

– Lake

Commercials on My Satellite Radio? Wait…I Pay For This!

June 20, 2008

I was listening to some classic black comedy on Foxxhole on my trusty satellite radio in my luxury whip when the weirdest thing happened. The only thing that was getting played was commercial after commercial. Not commercials for other channels, or for other shows on this channel, I’m talking legal services and Bose radios. Real full on commercials.

What’s the big deal you say? First of all, if you google search these assholes, the first thing you see is their tagline “100% commercial free music”. That is literally their #1 claim. Apparently no longer true.

Second, it is a subscription service. Commercials are there so the stations can make money. People pay to have access to their listeners. Well I’m paying for it so they need to cut that shit out. This is double dipping, plain and simple. If I’m paying you, and they are paying you, something ain’t right. I don’t like paying for the privledge of being sold to. When I watch HBO I don’t see commercials unless it is for something I might want to see next.

What’s next? Movies that stop in the middle so they can show one of those terrible viva viagra commercials? You going to build commercials into blank CD’s so they interrupt my personal mixtapes?

I’m just saying, It ain’t right.

Rant over.


Classically Terrible: No Pigeons

June 19, 2008

In light of the smack talking from Rita G. and Dollicia Bryan about Bow Wow, I figured it was only right to reset a classically terrible comeback by the Sporty Thievez. A collection of cats, I might add, that are likely washing lettuce at their local White Castle as we speak as a result of their album going triple sheetrock on the Billboard Charts back in the day. Haaa I mean, who gave these cats a record deal? Just awful, but it is amusing.

I want to say Hip Hop has come a long way since then, but we all know better. Hell, Soulja Boy is the Sporty Thieves set to choreography and an internet connection. Oh and just for kicks, I’ll hit you with a Dollicia:

And Rita G. pic

for your educational enlightenment. Thx.

– Lake