The Raw Deal Holyfield

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Daaaaamn Homey, you used to be the champ homey.  The are reporting that Evander the Real Deal Holyfield is about to lose his $10 Million, 54,000 square foot, 109 room, 17 bathroom, three kitchen, one bowling alley home.

Damn Holy, what happened.  First of all, Holy never stopped fighting. He’s not retired, he fought just a few months ago and caught an ass whoopin.  Okay, that is not fair, Evander has never caught a real ass whoopin’ in his life.  Literally, the dude almost never goes to the canvas.  That probably isn’t going to help how punch drunk he is going to be for the rest of his life, but he was tough in the ring.

Holy said that he isn’t broke, but “I’m just not liquid”.  Stop the presses. Evander Holyfield knows what a liquid asset is?  Seriously?  I’ve seen interviews where the Real Deal barely knew who he was.  If the mortgage company wants to collect their money, I know who they can send.

Iron Mike would make Evander pay up in mere moments.  Forget collection calls and the repo man, the ear biter is much worse than all that, it might be worse than regular mobsters.  At least you know the mob will play it straight, break a few fingers, break a kneecap, you mess up too much…you end up in the concrete boots, but at least you know the rules.  But when someone walks up to you and bites a part of your ear off…you know that you have permanently left the realm of reasonability.

Wait a minute, doesn’t Holyfield have, like, fifteen kids?  If you didn’t know, Holy is the most fertile dude on the planet.  I heard an interview where he agreed that a woman might get pregnant just by standing too close to him.  Seriously, he already had nine kids in 1998…that was ten years ago.  He’s got to be up in the mid teens by now and there have to be at least a few that can start earning loot immediately.  That means he’s got his own personal little workforce.

The craziest thing about this picture is that these two chicks could be his daughters, they could be those models that get planted in the club to take pretty pictures, or they could be just a few babes Holy rolled up on to try to get with later that night.  If it is option 2 or 3 he needs to go on ahead and knock it out so his future children can start earning enough loot to help save the family homestead.

I just hope Evander didn’t take out an ARM on his $10 Million crib.  That is not what you want at all.  Not a good move.

-Brock

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4 Responses to “The Raw Deal Holyfield”

  1. Be On It Says:

    Lesson 1: When you come up, don’t buy a house you can’t afford to pay maintenance, mortgage, and taxes on til the good Lord calls you home. Nothing is worse bout being from the hood than leaving that joint, getting your shine on, then having to go back worse off than before.

    Lesson 2: When you have enough kids to field a sports team, you might want to consider learning about these new fangled inventions called condoms, or getting a little snip/tuck to stop the baby juices. Failure to do either is just tacky.

    Lesson 3: If you happen to have several baby mommas, and they are all taking huge chunks out of your net worth, it’s time to get Drew Rosenhaus dirty. Did he not file for at least joint custody, i.e. no support? What about full custody? Surely a well-off man in a stable marriage (Mrs. Holyfield wasn’t about to let that paycheck go) would look more appealing to a judge than some random model/actress/waitress. And if she refused to cooperate, just use a friend of a friend to plant..er, introduce a less than desirable male in her life that will weaken her case. Chicks who look at sperm as an investment plan always fall for the worse dudes. Ginger in Casino, nuff said.

  2. Manuva Says:

    Lesson 3: If you happen to have several baby mommas, and they are all taking huge chunks out of your net worth, it’s time to get Drew Rosenhaus dirty. Did he not file for at least joint custody, i.e. no support? What about full custody? Surely a well-off man in a stable marriage (Mrs. Holyfield wasn’t about to let that paycheck go) would look more appealing to a judge than some random model/actress/waitress. And if she refused to cooperate, just use a friend of a friend to plant..er, introduce a less than desirable male in her life that will weaken her case. Chicks who look at sperm as an investment plan always fall for the worse dudes. Ginger in Casino, nuff said.

    Spoken like a true genius.

  3. Will Says:

    “Ginger in Casino” – Be, u just made my day.

  4. Be On It Says:

    Will, I aim to please 🙂

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