Dumbization of America V: Thong Bandits


We all know that most criminals aren’t geniuses. Ocean’s 11 makes crime look glamorous. In reality, most crime isn’t very predictable, isn’t very well planned out, and if it involves a gun and wearing a mask, it probably isn’t worth it. Not that I know from experience, I’m just saying. Sometimes you come across a plan that you just know was fueled by weed and funyuns. This is one of those times.

They thought it would be hilaaaaarious to rob a convenience store with only thongs covering their face…hopefully new. Don’t they know that Michael Jackson has been rocking this look for years? These guys weren’t slick at all. They were all over the store, 65% of their face is uncovered.

I know all guys love thongs, but they are best for accenting the butt cheeks, not so good for robbery. You might have wanted to go with a boyshort, or even a bikini if you really wanted to push it.

Even this little kid knows you need more coverage. See, even tighty whiteys would have done a better job. By going with the thong they just injected so much stupid into the world that it is going to affect everything. For instance, if these guys voluntarily put women’s underwear on their face, is this still torture?

Yeah, probably. Although, after I discovered the guy who really means it when he says “junk in the trunk”, there are probably guys who pay to be treated like this every weekend.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not philosophically against using underwear as a disguise. In fact, I’m all for it..you just have to be smart about it. If they really didn’t want to be discovered, they should have broken out a pair of these.

That way the police sketch would have turned out looking like this.

That way you throw them off the path. You’re never getting caught. See, you gotta think these things through.


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3 Responses to “Dumbization of America V: Thong Bandits”

  1. KIR in NV Says:

    Speaking of crimes, whatever happened to Grimace, the Hamburgular and all the other mascot thingies from McDonald’s? What was Grimace? Why was he named Grimace? Why didn’t Ronald hook the Burgular up with a job at McD’s so he could turn his life around? Will I ever get to sleep tonight? So many questions…

  2. Will Says:

    Kir: Thats an excellent question. He was a happy looking fella; why ‘Grimace’? WhereTF is Hamburgular anyway?!?! He was the hottest cat in the ‘muppet’ biz! – next to The Count, of course. (The Count was a tru pimp! – Dave Chappelle)

    Brock – Sheeeit u can go ahead and do a FULL throttle posting of Keyra Augustina. Why she is not yet a UvT chik is -as GangStarr sez – ‘Beyond Comprehension.

  3. Mark Peters Says:

    Thong banditry. How did I overlook this career?

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