Archive for April, 2008

Throw Some D’s on that Chick: Part II

April 25, 2008

It’s been a while since I dropped the theme music on a post.  Go on ahead and click here:

I usually tell you not to watch my theme music drops, but that joint is actually hilarious.

Remember Sara Stokes?  From Diddy’s first Making the Band experiment Da Band?  You know the chick who said her voice was “touched by God”.

You know, cute girl…out of Detroit…overbearing boyfriend.  Well, apparently something else has just been touched by God.  And by God I mean a plastic surgeon with a heavy hand.

I guess it was time for the solo career and raw talent isn’t enough.  You need to have the total package these days and someone has decided that rocking some huge J’s is the solution to that problem.  That is go hard or go home if I’ve ever seen it. 

I wonder if she can do pushups when she can balance only on the tips of her toes and those J’s.  My word.

-Brock

 

Get Ready….

April 25, 2008

One Year…

Hundreds of Posts…

Thousands of Pictures…

Millions of Readers…

And we’ve just gotten started. It’s almost time to start the revolution…

Us Versus Them

You are either one of Us…or you’re one of Them.

-Brock & Lake

————-UPDATE————-

Iron Mike is ready.  You know he’s down with Us.

Are You?

Dress Codes are a Mothaf*cka!

April 25, 2008

You know what I hate? Dress codes. You know dress codes are racist, right?

Here’s an example of the dress code for Lucky Strike, which is a f’ing bowling alley…a little full of itself, right? Check it out.

No Sweats or Sports Jerseys

No Sleeveless or Excessively Baggy T-Shirts

No Construction Boots

No Headgear (which I assume means hats and not those things Lake had to wear in high school)

(If you didn’t get the point the first time) No Excessively Baggy Clothing

No Plain White Short or Long Sleeve T-Shirts

No Chains

No team logos or gear

Listen, I’m down with no shirt, no shoes, no service rules all day. If you roll into a spot looking like you are about to chill by a pool or step into the Octagon, I don’t want your half naked ass anywhere near me, so I can handle that. I also understand hitting a nice restaurant in flip flops, jeans and the grubby ass t-shirt you got for signing up for a credit card in high school. Those are wide open rules that can be pretty evenly applied. The rules here though…they might as well say “don’t dress like a Black person.”

Case in point. Let’s do a little multiple choice. All three of these people are technically breaking the rules. Who isn’t getting in the club?

Sorry buddy. Long sleeve white T…not getting in. Yeah right.

Excuse me miss. No short sleeve white t’s. I’m afraid you and your headlights are not welcome here.

Excuse me sir. You appear to be a menace to society. Please bowl elsewhere. Seriously. This young brother doesn’t have a chance. He’s not getting in. Meanwhile Ms Pam Anderson up there is probably the most inappropriate of the three. Meanwhile all three of them supposedly wouldn’t get in. You know good and damn well that the “no white t-shirt” rule does not apply to the fitted crew neck Brad Pitt is rocking. It just doesn’t. So why is it there? Because black people like to wear plain white t-shirts and this is a way to keep them out. At the door Brad isn’t getting a second look.  Not never.

Let’s take another look. Dress codes are designed to keep a place looking good right? Keep the place looking respectable, keep it grown and sexy. I get that. So, these guys are basically the epitome of people who aren’t getting in to this spot.

Let’s see, headgear, Excessively baggy shirts and excessively baggy clothing, and chains. Not getting in. But this guy:

Come on in buddy. Those pink crocs really bring out the orange spots in your daisy shorts.

Seriously. That outfit is all good according to this dress code. Birkenstock guy gets in too. As does douchebag overtanned big hair guy, and pop four collars guy.  All those guys are inappropriate as hell.

All I’m saying is this. You know good and damn well what the dress code is set up for. No one wants any of the people above in that club. But the rules don’t prevent them from getting in. “Excessively baggy” just means you get to make a judgment call at the door. When was the last time you saw a fat person in some tight ass gear? They like to keep it loose. Let the air flow.

So now fat people can’t get in? But this guy is sooooo jolly. Sorry big fella, your pants are too loose…I need to see those pants gripping up on those thigh rolls if you want to bowl here tonight. Of course not, this guy is going to get in too.

So fake bouncers at this fake ass club. Loosen up.

-Brock

Oh My Damn: Pharrell

April 25, 2008

I know a lot of people were looking jacked up in the early 90’s.  Lake looked just like that dude from Color Me Badd.  Meanwhile my stylish rayon shirt game was on point.  But Pharrell needed some help.

Hey everyone was rocking the high top fade, but his shape up isn’t even right.

It’s good to know that money can still buy you style.

-Brock

The Only Thing Right with American Idol This Year: Syesha Mercado

April 24, 2008

I’ve been fairly disappointed with American Idol this year. Don’t get me wrong, the show has gotten worse and worse each year for about three years in a row now. But at least last year we had some scandals and the terrible ass Sanjaya train wreck to look forward to. This year we’ve got nothing.

Yeah, fundamentally all these people can sing, but that little gay guy with the lipstick would be better off trying out for my Middle School rendition of Oliver! than try to sell records these days. I mean, what genre will this cat be in? Contemporary Adult Bitchassness? In fact, that classic song “Who Will Buy” is perfectly suited for this little cat.

I mean, on the rizzeal, who will buy this cat’s album? Really, he’s just a less ridiculous, slightly more talented version of Sanjaya. Anyway, my tivo still picks Idol up, so I tuned in last night and let me tell you… this Syesha Mercado, she was great. She did this sultry song in this red dress and it was just about exactly what I needed. I mean, she sounded and looked grrrrreat!

For some strange reason she looks like Tila Tequila right there. Anyway, it got me looking for her. The babe definitely has some things going on. She can show a little finesse with some style.

(Oh yes, stylish, sporty, mid section right, J game time. I like it. The only negative is that I’m fairly certain that you can’t wear those pants and have an ass of any significance, they look good from the front though.)

Get her KFC kids meal leg game on.

Or even hit you with that Badu-esque, interpretational stomach out head wrap joint, because you know, you gotta keep things conscious, right?

Only, I’m not so sure about that wild hair all the time. I mean, when it’s on, it’s on. But sometimes, it seems like she’s hooking up that Tracy Chapman special (see the legs out pic above) or worse yet, that Ziggy Marley “Tomorrow People” look.

Hey, I try not to have too many hang ups, but I do like a woman with a respectable wig game. You gotta keep the locks looking right. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want anybody around me thinking they’re actually prettier than me and not everyone can have my crop of hair, I get that, but at least show me an effort. I’d say Syesha makes the grade a clean 85% of the time. She does have those, well, bohemian moments though. Hey, if you’re gonna keep it bohemian, I’m with that. But just make that shit salon boho, not searching for a cigarette butt, spark the ism boho. That earthy shit aint gonna work ’round here.

– Lake

Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love Review

April 24, 2008

Ok, honestly, this show isn’t that bad.

Yeah, it’s definitely contrived and a bit unrealistic, but so is Run’s House, right? Only Deion & Pilar have something that Reverend Run just can’t compete with: Pilar Biggers Sanders.

Dammit is Pilar Sanders fine as she wants to be? Yes she is. On the real, people talk about MILFs, well I don’t know of any actual MILFs out there. That is until I saw Pilar. My word, this chick is just bad (and that’s not bad meaning bad that’s bad meaning good)!

And that crazy stomach is after three children, too. Also, hey, I love Deion. I can’t lie. Most of what Deion says, I like. Every since “Must be the Money” I was done. This cat literally had me at “When I signed on the dotted line, in ’89….” and my favorite line “they tell me Deion, don’t let money change you..and I say, nah, don’t let money change YOU, because monay changed everythang…changed my address, my phone number, my snake skin shoes gonna turn into gator shoes..” Deion is the best. In fact, let’s just run that video right here for old time sake.

Man. Seriously, put yourself back in 1992. Deion is literally the best defensive player in the league, he’s balling in the World Series and rocking a fucked up jheri curl.

I mean, can you imagine the copious amounts of arse this cat was collecting? Making dollar signs in the dirt before he batted, high stepping interceptions at the 50 with a man still pursuing him.  Deion had it all. And now he’s got Pilar. Boy, life must be good.

Of course it can’t all be good. As usual, there is a fair amount of hatin going on. People saying that Pilar is a gold digger. That she first got with Johnny Morton, then Wesley Snipes, then LL Cool J and then Neon Deion Sanders. Hey, guess what, I don’t give a fuuuuck.

I like the show, I like Pilar and Deion is an entertaining cat. I’ll leave the deep commentary about the verisimilitude of their All-American life to the boo birds on the message boards. Until then, give me Pilar or give me reality tv death.

– Lake

Everyone is Interested in the R. Kelly Trial

April 23, 2008

Brock Hardon isn’t the only one who is taking a keen interest in the R. Kelly sex with a fast ass little girl trial. No sir. In honor of today’s testimony, this raggedly Mutt re-enacted the “money shot” for all of New York City on stand in “young girl” Natalie Portman.

Got Dammit. That brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “bitch, I want to pee on you, yes I do, I’ll piss on you, I’ll pee on you“…. LOL.. WOW. I know Nat is a Harvard educated humanitarian who is above the petty things in life, but don’t let a mangy mutt piss on you in public. Jesus. And if you’re going to just lay back and accept the piss, the least she could have done was get her aRa Kelly freak nasty chick on and assume the position.

There, that’s better. Can I ask you pissers one question though, what the fuck is wrong with you? And yes, I’m talking to both the piss-or and piss-ee. I mean, I’ve really gotten after some bodacious ass in my day. And I mean, really tried to slam dunk, posturize and run it back on tivo…..but I’ve never wanted to marinate a chick in the cool running of my own urine.

In fact, I wouldn’t care if you took the whole pissing function away from me all together. Quite frankly, it’s something I’d rather do without. And you know the freak nasty pissers always hit first, ahem “finish” and then piss. I mean, who pisses on a chick and then happily cuts dat pissed on ass up?

YUCK. Nah, it’s hit, nut and piss, right? Ok, but once you’re done hitting, if you’re like most men I know, you pretty much want everything to just go away, I mean, the room, the bed, whatever ambiance you have set up and yes, even that chick, you want it all gone….at least most of us do. Basically, if all that shit could just instantly turn into the NBA Playoffs 10 seconds after you were “done” you’d be cool, right? So what is it about the make-up of a pisser that they’re not fully satisfied until they get that last matter of business handled? Finally and I really want to know this, exactly what do you say to a mufucka you just pissed on?

I mean, I really need to know this, because I don’t get the mentality or the mechanics. Help me understand and don’t act you aren’t out there reading this blog, neither. At a minimum, one of you reading this joint right now is either an admitted member of the Piss Masters of America Club, inadvertedly got pissed on and “likeded” that shit, or have gotten your full “I just pissed on a mufucka” on. Break that shit down for me, because I just don’t get it.

– Lake

Inside the Polygamist Cult: Someone Call A Stylist!

April 23, 2008

The news about the polygamist sect in Texas that had all of their children seized last week is national news for a lot of reasons. They all live in one big compound. The men take several wives. A sixteen year old called to say that she was pregnant and had beed forced to marry. It is really a wild situation all around.

Here’s my problem. Why do all the women look like this?

Let’s start with the obvious things. The prime polygamist apparently sent down a decree that told everyone to grow their hair out long and swoop it to the right in what I like to call the Vanilla Ice style. One of the women was asked by Meredith Viera why everyone wears their hair like that on the today show and her response was “we all like to grow it long and we like this style”, which is code for, “bitch, don’t ask me no question like that. Don’t you know I’ll catch an ass whooping when I get back to the compound behind that question?” Second, who got the deal on the big shouldered 80’s style blue cotton? What’s the point of having lots of women if you are going to dress them all like that? Who made the unibrow rule? And the sect HQ is clearly a no makeup zone. Hey, I’m not even a make up dude, but all of these women look like they’ve gotten hit with whatever the opposite of Botox is.

Here’s my thing. I contend that there are always women who you can tell just need a little help and they would be bad. You know, they’ve got some ass under those terrible clothes. If they got their hair done or lost 10 pounds, they would be bad. You know, those babes in college that could leave for a summer, marinate, and come back bad as hell with tail and j’s popping out of nowhere. I’ve seen countless pics of these women, and haven’t seen a single woman that I could tell every guy looked at and said, “I want her to be my fourth wife. This chick on the left might be working with something…but I only say that because her grill is completely covered by her hands.

I guess the outfits are inspired by the 50’s. Here’s my thing. I can look at a picture of a woman from the 50’s and know that if you threw her in some Seven Jeans and a sexy top and she can get it.

See, turrible shoes and hair that looks like she might have actually been wearing that ridiculous hat right before that picture was taken. But she’s got the face, J’s and thighs. Throw her in some modern gear and that ain’t nothing but Lindsay Lohan.

Meanwhile all the men in the sect dress like this:

Dockers and a button up? Now see, that ain’t right. They could at least keep it real and dress like the amish. You can’t make your women look like frankenstein shouldered stepford wives and you get to roll like everyday is casual Friday. If your women are going to look fucked up, you should look fucked up too.

Look, if I ran a polygamist cult, I’d have to get down like Hef. Here’s my dress code.

That’s how polygamy should be done right there. What’s the point of having multiple wives if they are all built like 15 year old boys, look 10 years older than they really are, and are all ugly as hell. That’s like going to an all you can eat buffet where all they serve is uncooked, unseasoned tofu. NO one is signing up for that deal.

-Brock

Danica Patrick Needs to Step Her Game Up

April 23, 2008

Sure, she won her first race on Sunday, but that’s not really what matters, right? I mean if it did, she wouldn’t have been marketing herself as some Tease Mag sex pot all these years while she was losing. Hey, I know I’m hatin’ a lil bit right now, but I just need Danica to tell me who she wants to be. On second thought, let me just go ahead and make the decision for her, Danice, stick to driving.

Now don’t get me wrong, overall Danica is attractive. But I’m starting to think that a bunch of these “famous” chicks are getting over just because they’re not fat. I mean, is “Not Fat” status good enough to get you a magazine spread? It certainly appears so.

Like what is that? I do give extra points for the tramp stamp, why is she rocking some wild elfin magic footers that just scream “why pay more when you can pay less”? Second, I mean, have these photoshoots become so mundane for Danny that she doesn’t even bother to properly bend her arse over anymore? What is a dude gonna do with her in that position, frisk her? As Tyra would say, she’s not committing to the shot. Come on now, face down, ass up, that’s the way men will envision the cut! I know, I know, she’s sexy because she’s a race car driver and not ugly and when I see this shot I should be having visions of bang outs on top of speedy muscle cars. The problem is, when I see this shot, all I’m thinking is “damn, I thought Danica looked better than this, I wonder what she’d look like with clothes on?

Ahhh, now see. That’s much better. Now she’s a cute girl with a credible edge. But you can’t just throw some leather draws on, bust out the prop room high heels and fluff up the Kansas basic hair do and expect me to get excited. Ah, what the heck, I’ll give her one last chance.

Nah, this chick definitely should not quit that day job…

– Hatin’ Lake

R. Kelly Trial: The Most Unshocking “GOTCHA” in Legal History

April 22, 2008

Prosecutors in the R. Kelly trial launched their Law & Order style attack on aRa today in court. In trying to prove that he likes young girls, they are whipping out…gasp!…evidence that he married a 15 year old Aaliyah when he was 27. Shocker!

That’s not exactly Columbo type material there. It is actual fact. I think the papers are filed in the state of Illinois. If there was an official marriage, then it was probably legal…dontchathink? Sure, R. Kelly seems to be a sick, sick dude. You know the saying where there’s smoke, there’s fire? Well, right now it is smokier than four weed heads getting their smoke on in a car that is billowing black smoke, with a smoked ham in the trunk, with Smokey Robinson on the radio. The problem is…R. Kelly is fanning the flames with stuff like this:

Yeah, the female tongue belt buckle probably isn’t going to help.

The mask probably wasn’t a good idea either.

Also, if you are going to use the “wadden’t me” defense it is probably a good idea to make your sex tape in a regular room in front of a white wall. Getting it on in your freaking “log cabin” bonus room when you actually have a log cabin bonus room at your house probably isn’t the best idea in the world. I know…I know it was photoshopped, or a doppelganger, or your cousin Brock was at your house that day. Whatever.

Well R. finally figured out that he needs to lay low. So now he is wearing a disguise everywhere he goes.

Niiiice. Real inconspicuous. Dress like Goldylocks before your child exploitation trial. Dammit aRa. You are a musical genius…leave teh young girls alone. I know, you didn’t do it. Jigga – Kelly, not guilteeeee!

-Brock