Inside the Polygamist Cult: Someone Call A Stylist!

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The news about the polygamist sect in Texas that had all of their children seized last week is national news for a lot of reasons. They all live in one big compound. The men take several wives. A sixteen year old called to say that she was pregnant and had beed forced to marry. It is really a wild situation all around.

Here’s my problem. Why do all the women look like this?

Let’s start with the obvious things. The prime polygamist apparently sent down a decree that told everyone to grow their hair out long and swoop it to the right in what I like to call the Vanilla Ice style. One of the women was asked by Meredith Viera why everyone wears their hair like that on the today show and her response was “we all like to grow it long and we like this style”, which is code for, “bitch, don’t ask me no question like that. Don’t you know I’ll catch an ass whooping when I get back to the compound behind that question?” Second, who got the deal on the big shouldered 80’s style blue cotton? What’s the point of having lots of women if you are going to dress them all like that? Who made the unibrow rule? And the sect HQ is clearly a no makeup zone. Hey, I’m not even a make up dude, but all of these women look like they’ve gotten hit with whatever the opposite of Botox is.

Here’s my thing. I contend that there are always women who you can tell just need a little help and they would be bad. You know, they’ve got some ass under those terrible clothes. If they got their hair done or lost 10 pounds, they would be bad. You know, those babes in college that could leave for a summer, marinate, and come back bad as hell with tail and j’s popping out of nowhere. I’ve seen countless pics of these women, and haven’t seen a single woman that I could tell every guy looked at and said, “I want her to be my fourth wife. This chick on the left might be working with something…but I only say that because her grill is completely covered by her hands.

I guess the outfits are inspired by the 50’s. Here’s my thing. I can look at a picture of a woman from the 50’s and know that if you threw her in some Seven Jeans and a sexy top and she can get it.

See, turrible shoes and hair that looks like she might have actually been wearing that ridiculous hat right before that picture was taken. But she’s got the face, J’s and thighs. Throw her in some modern gear and that ain’t nothing but Lindsay Lohan.

Meanwhile all the men in the sect dress like this:

Dockers and a button up? Now see, that ain’t right. They could at least keep it real and dress like the amish. You can’t make your women look like frankenstein shouldered stepford wives and you get to roll like everyday is casual Friday. If your women are going to look fucked up, you should look fucked up too.

Look, if I ran a polygamist cult, I’d have to get down like Hef. Here’s my dress code.

That’s how polygamy should be done right there. What’s the point of having multiple wives if they are all built like 15 year old boys, look 10 years older than they really are, and are all ugly as hell. That’s like going to an all you can eat buffet where all they serve is uncooked, unseasoned tofu. NO one is signing up for that deal.

-Brock

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One Response to “Inside the Polygamist Cult: Someone Call A Stylist!”

  1. Chris Says:

    Ok, I have been reading for a while and never commented but you made me almost die. I’ve never been that close to spitting my drink out on my monitor and/or choking. You guys are not only hilarious, you’re wicked smart

    Love your blog. You guys rock

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