Jessica, this just isn’t sexy

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I’m not looking to pile on Jessica Simpson. After all, it’s fairly clear that enough people hate her at this point, so she definitely doesn’t need Lake sticking yet another foot in that flat ass. But she makes it pretty hard. There was that terrible situation with the pink football jersey (by the way, if you’re older than 12, and that’s pushing it, ALL those pink versions of professional sports jerseys are terrible), the Nick Lachey divorce that she clearly got the worst of and just an overall Britney-esque dip in her career/appeal that has her pegged as public enemy number one these days. Anyway, with all that said, I can’t figure out for the life of me why Jess had to go ahead and do something like this?

I mean, what is that supposed to be? Sexy? Am I the only man who finds this a little bit repulsive? Let’s be clear here, there’s a real chance that a lady you love could be rocking the Mack 3 for real, so why would they stage this foolishness like that aint a bigger epidemic in our communities than Bitchassness? Nobody wants to see mess like this. I know, I know, it’s a remake of a classic cover that I just don’t get.

You’re right, I don’t get it. I don’t want to get it. There’s something about seeing some wild cream on my ladies face and my razor in her hand that makes me uncomfortable with myself. It just aint right. Wasn’t sexy back when, aint sexy now. And they picked the wrong chick to do it anyway. Jessica Simpson has basically passed into the Mariah Carey Zone. What’s the Mariah Zone? It’s when I chick has all the goods that, in theory, should be attractive, namely the J game, reasonably nice waistline, passable backside, above average wig piece and all the rest, but when you see it all put together, something about it just aint right.

Ok, that’s a somewhat bad example because that’s the best picture of Mariah I’ve ever seen..lol Still, I was telling Brock the other day that B’s and Mariah, go back like Cajuns and jambalaya but even since she got the boob job, it still aint all that impressive.

I don’t know, maybe it’s that surgically tricked out stomach with the equally plastic smile.

And no, that curvature around the mid-section is NOT evidence of any kind of ass. I saw some blogs with headlines of Mariah’s alleged ass and this was the picture I saw. Come on now people, this shows ass? She didn’t even bother to hook up the standard arched back pose. How you gonna go side arch? Terrible.

Anyway, after that major digression, Jessica is now in the same boat for me. For instance, I look at this picture of Jessica:

See, nothing. It’s just not sexy. It’s Jessica. I don’t know, she just lost her appeal somewhere around the Duke’s of Hazard Movie and never got it back. But believe me, reminding me that plenty of women really have to fire up that Norelco isn’t making things any easier. Jess, start with the music, then get a new man, change up that look and bring it all back. Come on now… Put the razor down, pick the music back up. Nick is already murdering you in the post divorce score board. You just have to do better.

-Lake

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