Love Letter to Jessica Simpson

by

Jess-Jess,

I know you just got out of the hospital with that “kidney infection“, and I just want to say I’m sorry baby. You told me. You told me you’d never been with a black man before. You told me that Tony Romo only goes deep on the football field. I should have paid attention. You are a lot shorter than you look on TV, I didn’t know I’d rearrange your internal organs.

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This is how I’ll always remember you sugarbear.

You came by the crib, I threw on the Jodeci, lit the finest candles, lit my old school incense, broke out the essential oils that I bought from the brother next to the train station…I think it was “Black Love”, and went to work. Hey, I don’t know what was going on with Nick Lachey but brothers don’t get into all that wild stuff. Look, I’ve kept the ladies in my life happy with three positions: Hit it. Hit it from the back. And hit it hard from the back. Haaaaa. My bad, I didn’t mean to laugh Jessie, I know you’re still in pain. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s your fault baby, but I’d never done a reverse cowgirl Abraham Lincoln double blumpkin donkey punch wheelbarrow before.  But that’s what you like…so I was down.

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Now I know, the knees stay below the hips. My bad.

The whole kidney infection was a great cover up. It will be our little secret.

Love,

– Brock

P.S. Tell T.O. to stop calling me. I know it’s unfurr. I know Romo is his teammate. That Romo is his quarterback. Just stop.

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6 Responses to “Love Letter to Jessica Simpson”

  1. Be On It Says:

    Ha! Classic! Lay off the honeys with negative arse. You know she’s got to have a lil’ somethin’ to throw back to you!

  2. Be On It Says:

    Oh my, I just checked the definitions for those, uh, sex terms. You are a sick bastard (and I mean that in the nicest possible way). I revoke my previous comment.

  3. Lake Arlington Says:

    Be, yes, those definitions are aggressive. I can’t really support any of them, except that wheel barrel… Anyway, yo Be, you can’t respond to my email homey? What’s the word? No love for us no mo?

  4. Brock Hardon Says:

    Hey, I said I wasn’t down for it either. She pushed it too far. Gotta love the links…

  5. KIR in NV Says:

    Is it wrong that I just laugh out loud every time I catch TO tearing up on TV, lower lip quivering? Is it wrong that I laughed out loud when I read Mr. Hardon’s apology to Ms. Simpson, especially after he gave us the scoop on what really went down? Cuz if it’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

    And for the record Brock, I don’t think it was Jessica who “pushed it too far”…

  6. Be On It Says:

    Thank you KIR! We all know if some freaky deaky going down, it’s the dudes that are the ones saying “come on, try it for me.” If it’s your man, he should have already received the list of freaky things you will try, increasing in “level of difficulty” based on the level of committment/time in relationship. If he’s not your man, point his sorry self in the direction of your most slutty homegirl and replace his tail pronto.

    And Lake, sorry about the slow response to your email (you should have a response now). Of course I still got love for y’all! A Dukie ‘nilla? Can’t find those everywhere!

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