J.K. Rowling: Stop Making Sh*t Up

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J.K. Rowling is the author of the Harry Potter books…you know the books that sold about 100 bazillion copies, resurrected reading in the United States, spawned 8 movies from seven books, and will probably have a social and cultural impact on society even larger than Star Wars. (By the way, does that mean Hermione will have her “Princess Leia in the golden bikini” moment? We’ll see.)

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Hermione’s got the eye of the tiger…

So J.K. Rowling is one of the most powerful authors in the world, that is probably a lot to live up to. You’d think she would calm down and stack that paper and lay low while she tries to figure out how to make sure her next book is not a colossal letdown. (Unless it is about Harry Potter as a grown ass man, it is pretty much inevitable that it will be) You haven’t seen Scott Brown release another book since The DaVinci Code, have you? God and the saints haven’t written another book since the Bible, either. When your book transcends everything that has come before it, you might be a little nervous about coming out with something new.

So instead of fading into obscurity, J.K. Rowling is keeping herself busy by throwing out ridiculous stories about every six months. First, she reveals that Dumbledore was gay. You didn’t think you might want to mention that in the first 4,200 pages? No? Couldn’t make the edit, huh? That’s because you made that shit up!

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You know the theme song…boomb-ssst, boomb-ssst, boomb-ssst What is Love? Baby don’t hurt me, no mo.

Now we find out that she wanted to commit suicide before she wrote Harry Potter. Nice. J.K. let me tell you. The whole “homeless so I wrote Harry Potter on the back of coffee store napkins” was a great story when you began coming up and making your mark, but no one feels sorry for you anymore. You are a freaking billionaire, no one wants to hear your problems anymore.

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I know, I know, you are really, really sad.

What’s next, Harry Potter’s parents weren’t killed, and he was actually the love child of Peter Parker and Mork from Ork? That your latest mansion’s pool heater only heats on one side? Chill out J.K. everyone still loves you, we all have great memories, just let it rest there. Can you do that for a brother? Thanks.

-Brock

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