Archive for December, 2007

Classic Christmas Material: Dick in Box

December 25, 2007

Yo, this might replace Adam Sandler’s “Smoke your marijuanica and drank your gin and tonica, Hanukkah” song as the best alternative Christmas ballad of all time. It’s only a year old, but I think we can all agree that it was pure gold from Lake Arlington Jr. Jr. aka Justin Timberlake and those SNL cats.

Just puts you in the holiday spirit, don’t it? Truly a new day CLASSIC! Perfectly executed with the ridiculous Chess King suits, wild hand gestures, hot dance moves from the early 90’s, absurd, though standard, background music they used to rock and my favorite, the deep voiced bass man speaking interlude a la Boyz II Men.. 10 out of 10.

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“And that’s the way you do it!!!!”

– Lake in a box

A Very UvT Christmas

December 24, 2007

When did everyone start saying “Happy Holidays”?  I want to say Merry Christmas, I love Christmas, and I punk out too.  I’m one of those people who can’t tell if someone is Jewish on site.  It is all white people to me.  But this time of the year, I’m thinking about it all the time.  Right before I’m about to hit someone with that strong Merry Christmas say it I’m trying to figure out if a cat is Jewish or not.  Anyway, I know who this cat is.

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Yeah, this cat hits em with the dreadlocks too.  Keeping it real.  You know what would make it all easy?  Everyone should have Santa, then it’s easy.

Hanukkah Santa, I like to call him Hannuklaus:

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Let’s not forget about Kwanzaa Claus:

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Keeping it real.  Also, take some time to enjoy my favorite Christmas tune.

“Cause I ain’t gonna lie, all these Crimmuh lights got my light bill high”

Indeed “Thrill the Playa“, indeed.

-Brock

P.S. – By the way, never…ever, type the phrase “69 Boys” into Google.

Fuck.

Homo Erectus Part 3: B2K, Marques Houston, Omarion, et. al.

December 24, 2007

Man, have I or have I not been talking about the fact that R&B is just an inherently shady enterprise?

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I mean, the bottom line is that you’ve got cats who are interpretational, artistic and sensitive crooning with cornrows, wife beaters and an ice grill on their face. I mean, if these cats weren’t doing R&B, they’d probably be doing ballet, interior design or something. Well, here’s the proof. This cat Raz B from B2K is officially putting all these cats and “how they get down” on blast.

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Look, there have been rumors that ALL these cats were gay for years. That includes all the fools from Immature (which includes Marques Houston, all these managers (Chris Stokes and company) and all these B2K (Raz B, Omarion, Ricky Romance etc.) cats.

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Can someone explain this picture to me? Yes, that’s Marques Houston, that one eyed fool and that other random cat from Immature shirtless, in bed together with the collective Zoolander expression…Crazy. And what’s even wilder is this video about the whole culture of Chris Stokes sponsored gay wildness.

Ummm, anyway, in this video, Raz B alleges that his cousin and manager Chris Stokes, Marques Houston, and all the rest of those infinitely suspect cats were involved in some “let me touch it” (4:10 mark). Note that he said, “It all started with Chris Stokes.” Then there’s something about “the guys,” which I can only assume are the members of the group, being asked to “take showers together.” YIKES!

Ahem. This cat’s name is “Ricky Romance” and he’s wondering how he got caught up in some gay shit? Lordy… I also find it interesting how this dude is saying “I’m not bitter and I’m not trying to get even” but meanwhile, homey has all of this on speaker phone, up on youtube!!! Damn.

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(That’s Stokes on the left)

And why is it that whenever somebody gets on some ole gay shit, the next thing that comes out of his mouth is some Bible verse and a reference to their newborn child? Arrrrggggh. Look, I’m in no way trying to minimize or belittle the trauma that must be associated with sexual assault, but don’t talk about “seeing God” and then backing that up with “I’ve been speaking in tongues since I was 11 years old” around a discussion of sex acts with your manager/cousin!

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You know what, this is all a bit too wild for me. Makes you wonder what Omarion was really thinking about in this shot.

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Terrible. No more posts on this topic. Ugly.

– Lake

Classic Material: Harlem Nights

December 24, 2007

“Stop it…stop it, don’t shoot that little mufucka no more…”

It really doesn’t get any better than that. From Arsenio shooting Junior, to that hilarious, “you broke my noise…man,” to “oh really, the only way you going home is shot muthafuckaaaaaaaaah…” It’s just all good. Can someone please let me know what happened to Eddie Murphy?

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Oh yeah, that’s right.

– Lake

Hey Roger, we know you did it, just admit it

December 23, 2007

Ole Rog released a “personal” youtube denial today. It’s so “from the heart,” folksy and completely unscripted, peep it:

Don’t you love the edit job they did? And that wasn’t scripted or anything, sheyut, who am I kidding. The only thing missing from that joint was a teleprompter and an unemployed writer’s union vagabond feeding the Rocket Mayne his lines. This is so hilarious. “I’ll sit down with Mike Wallace and-“… Nilla, what are you talking about? Don’t talk about going on 60 minutes like that’s the gold standard for “coming clean” and being “transparent” about your bullshit. Your fellow Texan Dubyah has been on 60 Minutes numerous times and he’s probably the most insincere cat in the entire free world. Sitting down with Mike Wallace isn’t macho, it’s Bush league. It’s one step above Larry Shoulder Blades King’s dog and pony show. If you want to take this head-on, call a press conference and take all comers with all their questions.

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Rog, I’m going to hip you to a little secret, WE ALL KNOW YOU DID ‘ROIDS. Everyone has always known it. First, look at the size of your dome. Sure you played for the Evil Empire, but that doesn’t mean you need to look like Lord Helmet from Spaceballs, ok?

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And unless you’ve got a time machine that none of us know about, we all can safely assume that the aging process hasn’t up and decided to run in reverse for you and you alone. You’re the only pitcher who actually got Better, Bigger, Fasterrr, Strongerrrrrrrrrr as you aged AND your boy Andy P. admitted that he juiced. We know you did it, just admit it. Hell, even Curt Schilling expressed doubt about whether you did it…well, Curt is almost as much as an asshole as you are, so I’ll actually put that in the “one for Roger” column, because anything that cat says can’t be taken too seriously, after all, he did hit his own sock with that ketchup back in ’04.

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It will be alright if you just admit it. I mean, come on, this is such a joke.

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Rocket maaaaaaaan, just come clean. Relax, you’ll still get into the Hall. You’re a white folk hero right along side Brett Favre, Larry Bird, Ronald Reagan and Elvis. None of you guys can do any wrong in the eyes of most of these slugs out here. Just admit it, move on and it will be all good. Doing what you’re doing now, you’re just making it worse for yourself. Hey Rog, I must ax you do you still:

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Now that you came out with this definitive denial, you’re just going to give the story legs. Now you’ll have cats out there, both credible and suspect, looking for a piece of you for a little fame. And truth be told, even a bullshit corroboration of what everyone already believes would fry your ‘Roid ragin, spazzin’ ass. Why are you doing this? Why don’t you ask Mike Piazza if he thinks you were on the Juice when you threw that bat at him.

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– Lake

The Best Reason to Stop Drinking

December 23, 2007

Now this is just messed up. Check out this story. Damn those cats got caught up. So here’s how this night played out, just like millions of other nights for millions of other dudes. A few Carolina Ballers were out of the club. Boys meet Girls at the club. Boys have a few drinks. All roll back to the crib to get down. Action begins to go down with a little hand tying on some old freaky shit. Black man shows up buck naked in the hallway holding a knife. Oh helllllll naw. That is the last thing anyone wants to see right there.

This raises so many questions. First of all, what did Black the Knife want? The police seem to have responded pretty quickly, so thins thing didn’t play all the way out, but where was this going? Did he want to watch? I don’t think college students have too much loot on them so it wasn’t a very well planned robbery. Was he about to get in on the action Senator Larry Craig style?

There are so many ways this could have gone differently, here is the first.

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Now I know that getting your mugshot taken isn’t exactly like getting a photo shoot with Annie Leibovitz, but lighting and smiles aren’t bringing these chicks back from being who we thought the were…terrible. How many drinks did these dudes have? Did three self respecting 20 year olds really get lured back to the spot by these two? Honestly, they either rolled up on the fellas with a direct offer of sexual services, or their pimp game is truly tight.

Now I know the game down there in Durham and Chapel Hill after spending some time there. I’ve also seen the Carolina baller in action and there is no reason for them to dip this low, ever.

Let’s talk about this dude:

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Yeah, that is Mr. Butt Naked in the hallway. Did he mastermind this whole thing? If so, once again, why? Let me tell you something if you ever hear of your man Brock getting caught up for a crime, you can be guaran-damn-teed there will not be other naked men involved in the planning nor execution phase of the plan. What was going through this guy’s head? And that better have been a damn knife in his hand too, and not a sword.

Well it all worked out and the police showed up in time to catch all the suspects. Those cats were about to catch the Carolina blues for real.

-Brock

=============Update================

The best thing about this story, well, it’s the best for me, is when these cats come out and defend their conduct. You just know when they do, their basic defense will be, those cats A. Wanted 2 girls, one cup and one dude to come back to our crib for some wild Carolina Baller level sex romp, B. The being tied up, the knife and the wild “naked black man” was all done at the football players’ request.

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In other words, “they wanted it” the oldest rape defense in the book. Only in this case, if the defendants levy that that explanation, some cats will immediately believe that on one level or another, these cats knew their was some man-on-man-on-woman-on-woman-on-man activity that was known to all from jump. I mean, seriously, I can see you meeting some chicks at the club, even some older chicks if you’re slump busting (and let’s face it, UNC football needs to slump bust) but bringing a wild dude back too?

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Sounds fishy, sounds suspect, hell, it sounds like some of those wild gay Duke football team stories I used to hear back in the day…. I don’t know, but some of those cats seem a little too comfortable with their bodies and the bodies of other men. To me, you don’t let some hard ass thug biatches like this into the crib without some kind of understanding that it’s gonna go down. Granted, they may have been shocked when the knife came out, but these cats were down for something and whatever that something was, doesn’t sound good.

Honestly, is there anything in this world scarier than a naked cat in YOUR hallway with a crazy knife in his hand and rock hard dizzack? I don’t have any experience with crazy ass erotic gay horror, but I can only imagine that’s one of the top 5 things you NEVER want to see in your life. Just the idea of a cat cuttin and then really cuttin!!!!! Lord Jesus, help these people…

Trash can of the ACC: Maryland Basketball

December 23, 2007

I’ll just stick to objective facts here. This is why Maryland Sucks:

1. You’ve got a sweaty Chicken Wing Pimp for a Coach

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Gary, put the hoes and chicken wangs down, try recruiting for a change.

2. Your team has a zero percent graduation rate (literally, your scholarship players never graduate…from Maryland)

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Stay in school, just say no, put the pipe down, keep off the streets, put something in yo’ head and not on it and pull your shoes up. Basically, do everything that you don’t regularly do and maybe you’ll graduate a player or two in the next decade.
3. You have no recruits

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Remember these? They’re called RECRUITS!! When was the last time you pulled a top flight recruit (and no, that cat Gus Gilcrist who has no offensive game doesn’t count)? When was the last time a Maryland recruiting class was actually ranked in the top 10? Oh, I’m just hatin’ right? Check the stats. Your cupboard is bare and you’ve got nobody of note in the hopper even. You can only get so many Juco thugz to fill out your line-up.

4. You play and often lose to cupcake competition designed to pad your win totals

Look at the teams Murrland play/played this year: North Florida, Hampton, Northeastern, Lehigh, VCU, Morgan State (and Hampton?), Ohio, American, Delaware, Savannah State??? I mean, what is this, who’s who in Division I-AA? LOL. North Florida? And you lose to them half the time at that. You lost to Ohio AND American at home?

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I know, I know, Duke lost to VCU (just like you guys just did) in the NCAA tournament last year, but did Duke have to take Northeastern in OT to get a win? Is Duke 7-5 in mid December? No, let me help you, Duke is 9-0. Sure, you played UCLA and Missouri, but you lost! I’ll give you the win against Illinois, but that’s literally all you have to show for this year. Honestly, what do you think is going to happen to your team come ACC play?

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Get some.

5. Your fans/students are ignorant thugs with books

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LOL, it’s just so true, it’s hilarious.

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7. You ride the dizzick of real ACC schools incessantly

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We know, that’s why it happens so often, right?

8. Your players stay in trouble with the cops

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Why’d you shoot your guns by the White House Lonny?

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9. Your season just started but it’s already over

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Even in a down ACC your team will suck this year. You’ll only do what you typically do, try to be a spoiler, the proverbial crabs in the barrel, because your season is OVA!!!!

10. Cuz Lake said so, bitches

– Young Lakey the King

When Keeping it Real Goes Right

December 22, 2007

It’s holiday time here at Us Versus Them, and Brock thought it was time to give the interns some love.  Lake likes to employ white frat boys and white chicks of questionable morality and a penchant for selecting outfits that leave little to the imagination.  Well, when I spend my money, I do it my way.  So when I went to my favorite store to get some giftcards this is what I ended up with.kwanzaa.jpg

That’s right.  Everyone is getting Best Buy Kwanzaa gift cards.  Fitzy, Kens, Mags, Angel, Amie, all of em.  Black history is American history people.

Seriously though, I couldn’t pass these up.  Of course there was a big stack of these.  I have a feeling Best Buy is going to have a high inventory of Kwanzaa cards going into 2008.  Do you see the interpretational kufi’s those people are rocking on the card?

Enjoy bitches, buy a CD on Brock.  That’s right a CD.  Interns gotta earn their stripes.  And no Angel, not the way Lake told you.  I’ll see you at the Christmas party though.

-Brock

That ain’t right: Damn homey.

December 21, 2007

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Now see, this is like those people who’s families tell them that they can sing, and end up on American Idol looking like a fool.  He also looks like he is standing in someone’s grandma’s house.  The tree with the gold ribbon?  That cabinet holding dishes no one ever uses?

There are so many things wrong with this picture.   I can’t take it.

-Brock

Damn this is going to be Hot

December 21, 2007

“Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint”.  Now that’s focus right there.

They got it just right with the revival of Batman as “The Dark Knight”.

Because this:

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is a far cry from this:

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Nice tie…

and definitely no where close to this:

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-Brock