Man Pronounced Dead: Dead Nice at Spending that Paper!

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I don’t know if this is in the stupid criminal hall of fame or the evil genius hall of fame, but I’ll let you, the UvT masses, decide.

John Darwin, a 57 year old British man, disappeared at sea in a canoe incident five years ago and was declared dead. His wife, Anne Darwin, cashed out the insurance policy and sold the family home for about $820,000. Their two sons mourned, Anne finally seemed to find happiness as she moved to Panama to spend her twilight years. Sounds like a tragic story, right…until my man Johnny D showed back up last week!

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I guess my man couldn’t take it anymore and decided he was going to head on over to the police station and say he had amnesia and didn’t know who he was. I guess that is a solid plan for reintroduction into society. Amnesia probably wouldn’t have stopped the insurance company from coming back to get their money (with interest), but he may have been able to slip through the cracks and work his way back into the flow. That was until this showed up:

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I guess John and Anne closed on a Panama condo in 2006 and thought it was a good idea to jump in a few photos with their realtor. Huh? If I’m playing dead, I’m not getting my happy homeowner on. In fact, I’m pulling a Cameron Diaz and breaking the camera. I mean those cats are chillin’ like their on vacation. Really enjoyin’ down there in Panama. This cat must have come back to England so he didn’t get thrown up into Sona with Michael Scofield. He was probably watching a few episodes of Prison Break like, oh hell no. I’m not going out like that.

So guess what, this dude’s sons are pissed. They think Dad is dead while their parents are kicking it in Panama. Yeah, that’s not right. Mom knew the whole time as well. I guess Anne broke down in tears when she saw the photo.

Look if you are going to fake your own death, you need to stay dead. No peeking!

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If you are going to defraud an insurance company, shouldn’t you start with something easy just to figure out if you can keep a secret? How about wrecking your own car and seeing if you can get the money out of it? Or maybe burn a house down and try to get the insurance money? Do you go for the full kill yourself and spend your own money move first? I guess if you are going to do it, go for all of it. But you’ve got to be able to sip pina coladas on your back patio in Panama, eating in, and watching movies on Netflix (under a pseudonym) for the rest of your life.

I’d need a lot more that one Million to give that a shot though.

Darwin awards are given to people so stupid that they kill themselves, letting natural selection work itself out. So this guy only fake died, does that make him ineligible for the award? He sounds pretty stupid to me.

-Brock

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