The Bachelor episode 4 roundup, Blondie loses it

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Hey, I like the Bachelor because they just keep it so basic and good with the hard bodies and solid superficiality. As a dude you just get to look at babes, who are in the best shape of their lives, run around in sexy dresses and bikinis en route to that fantasy suite, so what’s the problem? At any rate, the show has finally whittled the babes down to a workable number for some analysis. Like to here it go:

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I must say, I like Brad. He runs a bunch of bars with his brothers. What’s not to love about that? Moreover, you can see that he has dealt with some hot babes in his day because unlike other Bachelors on the shows, he’s been willing to cut sexy chicks who don’t have the best personalities, where I think before cats were literally just trying to get the hottest tail into that fantasy suite so they could close that deal. So he’s a legit cat within this bullshit context we call reality tv, so I can’t really hate on the dude (a Lake A. first). Nevertheless, his quest to find true love with 12 ‘hotties’ of different personal worth is always comical. But that’s why I love this show because the casting directors just keep it so very real with the stereotypes of actresses errrr ladies they select and it works well for a low reality consumer like me. Let me run a few of the interesting babes (along with their stereotypical profile) for you:

1. Bettina (sounds like an around the way girl’s name, right?)- The seasoned veteran woman who knows what she wants

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Let me go ahead and translate what I mean by “seasoned.” In a reality tv context and really any kind of dating context past the age of 23, “seasoned” might as well be a euphemism for hoe.

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Under no circumstances is any man ever to marry this kind of chick, but their strength is in making fools believe that up is down, black is white and cold is hot. They are skilled at making their target think it was just the other guys who didn’t treat her right and not that she was selfish, unfit for wifedom and more likely than not, a scandalous, conniving hizzoe. In other words, she’s got crazy game where it counts.

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(Look how smooth she looks with that wine, even though the other babe is flaunting that rose. You can tell Bettina is playing that long game. She’s not trying to win the battles, she’s trying to win the war, steal a man like she’s done before. She’s a shark…cold as ice, you gotta respect it)

Like some chicks have game to get a dude to buy them a nice dinner or an anklet and others have a plan to take some rich dude for half his bankroll by the end of the decade. Bettina is the latter type of chick, which is why she’s 27 (yeah right) and already divorced. Cold as ice, sexy and tricky….watch her Brad, watch her. She even said so herself on this episode, “I want to kiss (read have sex with) Brad, but I was raised (by her gold digging mother no doubt) that you should play hard to get (read, that you should lie and deceive to get what you really want).

Now that bad side to this class of chick is that she’s shady as hell, superficial and untrustworthy. The good side is that her sex game is always tight. That’s how she got where she is today; by knowing her man and being steadfastly committed to do whatever it takes to get out there and perform on Sunday (not to mention any other day of the week until she gets to the alter and stops completely). Basically their entire life is centered around this cleaned up hoe flow and boy oh boy does it work. A chick like this will be married no less than 3 times in her life and have either no kids (they never want them because it would mess up their figure, but sometimes you have to pop one kid out so that they can keep those checks in case there is a tight prenuptial, take notes ladies).

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True to form, Bettina is not 27 years young (with the mind of a 55 year old), divorced, Heather Locklear-esque, with only mild symptoms of cougar’s disease… She’s clearly more calculated, intelligent and shady than the others. She’s playing this reverse game on Brad as she tries to turn her divorce into an asset with all this “you’re starting to make me feel comfortable so I can open up” nonsense, which is great on her part. Why act like you want him when everyone else already is giving it all up for free? Bettina’s no fool, seasoned vets can’t afford to be. LOL, she did slip up however, when she got pissed that the other babe got the diamond earrings. I aint saying she’s a gold digger, but, she aint fucking with a broke nilla.

I loved this last episode, because Brad asked her if she had dated since she got divorced. She went with the pregnant pause, which is great because you know during that 2 seconds she so graciously gave herself with that feigned contemplation, some form of fellatio (the true answer to his question) ran through her head, followed closely by a quick cost-benefit analysis concerning whether she should lie (yes, she did), to what extent (just enough but not too much because she will have to show the freaky side to seal the deal and let’s not forget, people at home know she’s a hoe and she’s probably still “with” the dude she was cheating on her husband with). I did like how she tried to turn that slight cost-benefit panic session into a sympathetic moment for herself though. That “it’s a tough world for a divorcee looking for love” bill of goods she was selling was hilarious, meanwhile, her ex-husband who caught her taking it doggy style from Pepe the gardener is throwing shit at the tv.

2. Hillary, the naive freak who just wants a good fuck guy

This babe right here let’s you know that Brad is used to getting premium tail. No question, in any other context Hillary is probably a visual a dime piece. She looked right in that bikini at the pool party tonight, too. Alas, she’s afflicted with what we call in pig latin, azy-cray disease. Come to think about it, you can kinda see the stalker tendencies in this picture.

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She’s got the body, the look and attitude of a 23 year old with a girl’s gone wild mentality (though I must even early on it seemed like she may be trying a little too hard). She seems like she’s fun to be around and she openly talked about how she wanted Brad to rip her clothes off, hit it from the back, spank her and then turn her over to finish her off (she seriously said this on the show, LOL). That should have been a red flag actually, because while she may have wanted that from Brad, you can’t actually say that on tv. I think Monique said it best on her show Charm School, that’s slutacious. Still, society always needs good attractive hoes (I know that’s hard for some of you to understand, but it’s kind of like good vs. bad cholesterol).

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(someone call up Gnarls Barkley, cuz this chick is craaaaazay! That look on her face aint right man)

Anyway, upon further research and review, after I saw the previews for her crazy exit from the show, it was revealed through my UvT Philly sources that supposedly she’s really some low grade hick town chick with a 4 year old kid and all types of ho games on her resume. Maybe that’s why Brad peaced her out and why she acted like she hadn’t ever been anywhere before. Sheeyut, she probably saw Brad as her and her kid’s way out of the hood life. The babe may look country club, but she’s trailer park with the hot meltdown drama to boot.

3. Sheena – Young girl, old face

I’m not sure if it’s too much sun tanning, too many smokes or just some hard ass living, but this babe does not look 23 years old.

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Yeah, Sheena seems like a sweet chick, but you cannot be looking like you’re about to compete in the cougar all star challenge at the tender (and supple) age of 23. If you told me this chick was 32, I’d believe you. It’s too bad and she needs some product for that wig piece too.

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Come on people. This is like the ALCS, you gotta come to win. All this frizz, leather face, and titties falling out like that one chick had on the first episode, it’s just not good enough. I’m a bit surprised that Brad kept this chick around.

4. DeAnna – hot exotic chick (and when I say exotic, I mean anything Latin, Greek or dark eye-talian)

While DeAnna is that exotic looking babe with the advanced body and very attractive look, she’s unfortunately a babe with major issues.

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Anytime a chick just can’t get along with other women, it’s an issue. Again, major red flag that this chick is always into some shit. You want a babe to smooth you out, not get you into beef with chicks and/or dudes. All the tools, but crazy…sad but true story line for far too many of you chicks out there.

5. Jenni – Cute all American brunette who stays in the gym

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This babe is a no brainer. She’s the classic Bachelor contestant, in fact, they must just go around to all the professional sports teams to recruit these chicks. Jenni is a Pheonix Suns dancer, so you know she’s on KFC thigh alert (something they showed off in the previews for next week’s show).

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She’s got the reasonably cute face, cool personality, willingness to get down and dirty and rocking body. What more can you ask for in a purely superficial relationship that lasts for two weeks. She’s a front runner along with DeAnna. To me, Jenni is the safest play in the group. Everybody else has blatant issues, namely snake in the grass (Bettina), leather face credentials/future cougar hall of famer (Sheena), or too hot to handle, semi crazy with some extra attitude habanero pepper sauce on top (DeAnna).

I do like that Brad is kissing and getting into the heads of all the chicks. Definitely pimp status with that extra tender touch to keep them all satisfied with his multiple spit swapping. Can’t wait for the haters to come out at the reunion show, but Brad is as smooth as they come, sort of like his brother from another, Lake.

– Lake

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One Response to “The Bachelor episode 4 roundup, Blondie loses it”

  1. maternity » The Bachelor episode 4 roundup, Blondie loses it Says:

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