I Hate T-Pain

But I can’t stop listening to his music.

It all started with that damn “I’m in love with a stripper”. Is there a b#tchier title than that? You can’t fall in love with a stripper! I mean your player card will get taken immediately upon a violation of that magnitude. I’d turn the radio station every damn time it came on. Then they got me when they put Twista and aRa Kelly on the remix and I couldn’t resist. “Plus we got a lot in common, she’s a stripper, I’m a freak” might be R. Kelly’s best line of the last four or five years…right behind “I order one bottle, then I F*ck with one model, then I order more bottles, now I got more models“. But I digress. Then there was that damn “I’m Sprung”, same damn thing. There is just something terrible about that cat’s perspective on life. I think it starts with that cat-azz look in dude’s eyes.

His album is called Rappa Ternt Sanga…for real. Spelled just like that.  I’m not making that up.

But now the guy is back and every damn where. “I’m a Flirt”, The “Same Girl” Remix, “Outta My System”, “Know What I’m Doing”, and “Buy You a Drank”. Then there is Bartender. I can’t stop listening to this damn song.

“She made us drinks, to drink…we drunk em, got drunk. And now I know she thinks I’m cooooooool”. Well damn that makes sense.

OK, here’s my problem. Has anyone ever heard this dude’s real speaking voice? Does he always sound like he is hooked up to the plastic tube of a synth machine like a low budget Roger and Zapp? What the hell does he do in concert?

Fine, I’ve got two problems. It goes back to that “ain’t right” look in his eyes. How do I put this? OK, if there was a song that didn’t need any more people invited to the swordfight, it was “Same Girl” with R. Kelly and Usher. The song is about two dudes messing with the same chick, did T-Pain really think it was a good idea to jump into that bedroom? Even worse, when the Ray-J and Kim Kardashian Sex Tape dropped, T-Pain comes out with a quote about it. Is it about how Kimmy K’s booty cheek tucks on the top as well as the bottom?

Noooooo. T-Pain is talking about how Ray-J must really be “swangin”. And I quote:

“Not too many guys can go after Ray J. The man got a huge meat, ok. He’s short, the man is packing. He’s got length on him. I got the width. Shit is wide. He got a foot on him. Man have a foot on him. Much respect to Ray. Man to man. No homo. Ya’ll seen that shit. Ya’ll know the man’s swanging.”

WTF is that?

I can’t take it. Oh and by the way, you can’t say “no homo” when you say something blantantly gay. It is properly used when you merely say something slightly ironically gay, like “Let me get a Big Mac. No homo”. Not “the man got huge meat”, it just doesn’t work.

Mike Hart, what do you think about that?

I really can’t take it.

-Brock