Archive for June, 2007

Captain Bill

June 18, 2007

Slow news this morning, but this was pretty damn funny when I saw it:

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I mean if Bill has a suit and some proper man shoes on, he’d look like he is about to drop a pimp slap on somebody. I think this was the Jet/Ebony man of the month pose for 18 months straight in the mid ’80’s. As it is, how do you leave the house like that? He is clearly in public and doesn’t give a damn. I mean the Central shirt is a given, I’ll let that slide. Those sweats coordinate with the shirt I guess, but those elastic bottoms on those boys are terrible. The cigar still in the bag is really gangster, I mean drop that joint in your pocket along with that hotel key or whatever the hell he has in his hand. Then we get to those damn crocs and socks. Bill, you’re an icon, you raised a generation of young black professionals with the Cosby Show. The first thing a man teaches his son is to wear a good pair of shoes. Crocs? No man should ever wear those joints under any circumstances. Then to rock those boys with the socks and the straps up?!?!? Damn Bill, I hope they just caught you in the punchline to a joke, so that is why you not only wore those, but also felt the need to prop them up on those speakers. Cos, Welcome to the “ARod Turrible Gear Hall of Fame

Or maybe you were just letting cats know what to buy you at the bar…

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Get your Captain Morgan on homey.

-Brock

Sports Update

June 15, 2007

Jurgens, the UvT Sports intern, was fired over the bad intel he gave me on the Cavs actually winning a game in the finals.  I found out he was actually born in Ohio, likes Boobies, and wanted to see more of Eva Longoria courtside, so he was trying to be positive.

 Here are some quick facts he was working on when we showed his ass the door:

– Every NBA finals since 1999 has featured either Shaquille O’Neal or Tim Duncan.  You still think there is a debate that Oden goes over Durrant?

– Robert Horry just got his seventh ring.  Putting him ahead of Cousy, Jordan, Pippen and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.  The only people in front of him?  You had to play on the Celtics in the ’60’s to make that list.

– They are apparently going to let Jacque Vaughn have one of the rings.  Although instead of his name, his ring will have “The One Ring” inscribed on the side and will only be presented to Jacque if he comes to the ceremony barefoot.

-Brock

Greg Oden Blogs?!?!?

June 14, 2007

I was over in the UvT Sports department doing the back up research for my visionary article last week that the Cavs were goners (my research is on my the hell I thought it would be five games, the Spurs should be breaking out the brooms tomorrow) and I come across this: http://yardbarker.com/users/gregoden. The big man blogs? Seriously?

So I went to the site to see the worldly insights of an 18 year old that is about to make that long money and lo and behold, here is the latest entry.

“When you ask someone about it, the first name that pops in their minds is not Greg Oden, Michael Conley Jr., or Eric Gordon. It’s JOSH MCROBERTS, one of my favorite people in the world. He is one of the funniest people I have met, and the one person in high school basketball that I dreaded playing, because I had to guard him and he is a monster. He uses both hands on the court. That gives him an edge on everybody else.”

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Josh McF’nRoberts? Look we here at Us Versus Them do nothing if we don’t play favorites, thick white women, democrats, Atlanta Falcons football, any team that beats Notre Dame in football (also known as any team in the Top 15 at the time of kickoff), thick black women, the Jessica’s (Biel and Alba), and last but not least Duke Basketball. Now I’ve seen a lot of Duke basketball, and a lot of Josh McRoberts, but Greg Oden dreading to play him? Maybe in high school Josh had a JJ Reddick like shooter dropping threes from all over the court and a mini-landlord senior like Shelden Williams playing down low so that Josh’s B.S. dribble-dribble, spin-move, spin back for the up and under barely jump move that he goes to every time down the court actually worked like it did his freshman year at Duke. I mean there has to be a reason Greg limits his complement to “high school”.

Big fella, when are you gonna open your hands and see the facts…you don’t need to dread a guy who is going to get drafted damn near a round behind you. You need to watch out for Rasheed Wallace dropping bows on you and Shaq’s big ass hitting you with that extra 100 pounds he’s got on you on the blocks. You want to talk about a Dukie you need to watch out for, try playing Elton Brand 4 or 5 times next year to see how you like that 20 and 10 he is going to drop on you personally. I mean are you dreading going up against Shavlik Randolph? Same guy….really…let it go.

-Brock

Anderson Vare-hail-jno!

June 14, 2007

Twenty seconds left in a pivotal game three in Cleveland. Cavs are down by three and LeBron James has the ball in his hands. LeBron drives and gets plugged up in the lane and finds a quick outlet for pressure relief. Anderson Varejao. LeBron gives him self some space to get the ball back, looks up…and Anderson Varejao has broken out the wild spin move hook shot? I know that wasn’t drawn up in the huddle and not what Ursher wanted to see from the sideline.

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So in honor of that dumbass shot, lets play who does Anderson Varejao look like?

Carlito from the WWE?

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American Idol Justin Guarini?

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Sideshow Bob?

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Anderson. Every little kid dreams of being the hero in the NBA finals…3…2…1 and you hit the final shot as the winner. Homey, you were actually in the finals, playing with a dude that has “Chosen 1” tattooed on his back. Give up the rock meng.

-Brock

Sopranos’ last note: Off Key

June 11, 2007

Sunday night brought the end of a historic television series, The Sopranos.

We’re not going to spend too much time on this, but the last episode of the Sopranos was just ok and really left more questions than answers. All these clowns out here talking about how perfect it was or that it was “television genius,” I’ve got something for you:

It was an ending that barely met a Sopranos end of a season standard, much less that fitting of what was arguably the end of the best tv series ever. We’re so upset about it, that we’re just going to attach this picture of Meadow to cheer us up.

Sure, that works. Look at Carmela trying to get in there too. Who knows, maybe we’ll do a “Ladies of the Sopranos” piece to cheer everyone up.

Hopefully there will be a movie to fix this mess because that just wasn’t good enough.

It’s funny how money change a situ-a-STOP IT’S THE MUTHAF#CKIN’ REMIX!!!

June 8, 2007

Paris back to the clink! Wow.

Our exclusive U v. T reporters on the scene said they heard Paree screaming, “whyyyy, it’s not faaaaaaair” and several expletives not suitable for a high minded news organization like ours to repeat. Let’s just say that it was ugly.. Lauryn Hill said it best:

“You might win some, but you really lost one!!! What a dumb dumb”

———————-

***UPDATE***

Paris is being ordered to serve the FULL 45 day sentence, not the reduced twenty something that she was supposed to serve as of last week. I guess she will be missing Diddy’s White Party on the Hamptons as well as Brock’s 4th of July Barbeque out on my back porch. Why can’t these rich people hire drivers? Lohan gets busted for DUI and Paris violates probation with the same. Paree…you cut with a little more enthusiasm than Kimmy K, so I will offer my expert driving services once you get out.

Watch out for that phone check!

-Brock

Paris Hilton Saga: Funny how money change a situ-a-shawn!!!

June 8, 2007

Yo, this is barely worth my time. Again, it’s like Pac said on Hit em Up… “I don’t even know why I’m on this track” but I just had to make a small comment on this Paris foolishness that’s got the media in a frenzy.

(By the way, those CANNOT be her real breasts)

I guess the superhead act-a-like Paree got out of jail after 72 hours for “a medical condition” on the say so of the H.Y.T.I.C. Sherrif Lee Baca of the Los Angeles County Sherrif’s Department.

Lee, come on dude. What the hell were you thinking? First of all, this is a public relations nightmare for you. Second, we all know you cops out in LA have no damn sense, see Rodney Kang, the LA Riots, what yall did to all those Latinos and the press recently and even the way you tried to set up our man OJ (not guilty!!!!)… You guys are straight up clowns. I get it, you had to whoop Rodney King’s ass, but Paree can leave jail 42 days early just because she’s shook? Everyone in jail is crazy.. Haven’t you ever watched Oz? It’s JAIL.. that’s the point.

Come on now, the next time I’m draped in my LA County blues, I’ll just call up my “doctor” and get a get out of jail free note because my crazy is acting up. Do you really think the Hiltons, multi-millionaires can’t produce a quack to spring their girl out of the clink? And you fell for that? Sheriff Baca, in honor of your monumental stupidity, I’ve decided to print up these shirts and sell them on Ebay for $39.95, tell me what you think…

The NBA Finals are OVER!

June 8, 2007

I didn’t see too much of the game, but I caught enough. I saw one moment in the third quarter that let me know the game, the series, and the Championship were over.

Tim Duncan smiled. And he didit more than once.

For reference, here is exhibit #1:

This dude has a Championship in one had and the MVP award in the other, and he looks like Will Smith trying to figure out which was better: “Wild Wild West” or his “Code Red” album.

My bad Will, I know this isn’t about you. Collateral damage, what can I say?

Back to Timmy Time, I mean this cat has one of the icyest grills in history. Here is the exclusive Us Versus Them Sports Interview with Bruce Bowen:

Brock: “Bruce, The Spurs have had incredible success over the last few years. Tim is on the verge of his fourth title in eight seasons. What is wrong with that cat?”

Bruce: “F#*k if I know dog.”

I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions so I went to the UvT archives so I could see the “Nastiest Ice Grills” in recent history. Here is a brief retrospective:

Mo Clarrett: That is one icey grill, but to be fair, he was on his way to jail instead of on his way to NFL practice after blowing his talent and career. So he was probably actually mad.

Condi Rice: She looks pretty mad too. But I expect her to have a Marion Barry “Bitch set me up” moment long ’bout February 2009.

So Timmy D, cheer up. The Spurs will do a better job than the Pistons of keeping “Boobie” in check and you will get your fourth championship in five games on Father’s Day.

-Brock

Report: Brady Quinn plans to hold out, what?

June 8, 2007

According to sources over at ESPNews, Draft day flunky Dr. Quinn medicine woman is reportedly thinking about holding out.

You’ve gotta be kidding me, right? It seems he and his agent are trying to turn back the hands of time and un-ring that Draft Day bell that had him falling faster than that Notre Dame defense did en route to a JaMarcus Russell/LSU Tee-greys induced stiff 41-14 AZZ kicking! I guess he wants top tier QB money and not, nobody wanted your candy ass, had to leave the green room, were lucky to get picked at #22, money…huh?

I just don’t get this guy. I mean, maybe it’s me, but I’ve never seen this cat do anything to warrant his self-aggrandizement or the belief by anyone that he’ll be anything more than a poor man’s Tim Couch with diminished accuracy and less upside. People will tell you he’s a winner, but he hasn’t won ANYTHING, ever. This guy is a bust waiting to happen.

My case against him:

1. Bad genes: A brief perusal of this cat’s kin folk makes the point, I mean look at this dude’s sister.

I think Randy Jackson from American Idol fame said it best, “just terrible dude”. To say she’s fugly is kind. She’s got that Cam’ron inspired Fred Flintstone Yabba Dabba Doo “sturdy chin”, a prehistoric Swifer mop hair piece, make-up by sleazy, greazy, turrible Cover Guy and ‘Roid-tastic AJ Hawk for a hubby. Sure it’s harsh, but come on, even when she’s at her best she’s awful.

2. Poor decision-making: We already know whenever B dot Quinn steps on the field with some real boys (see LSU, USC, Michigan, and OSU), he crawls up into the fetal position. But I’m talking about ole boy’s decisions off the field. That chick he’s got with him, come on.

She’s not even High School QB quality, much less Notre Dame QB quality MUCH LESS NFL quality. I know, I know, “but she’s the real deal Lakey, she’ll stand by her man and want him for the right reasons. ” Slow down. First, she didn’t look too comfortable standing by her man on draft day once he started fallin’ like Alicia Keyes. I thought I caught her making eyes over at Adrian Peterson for a second. Adrian just shook her off and opted to order up a pizza on his Treo instead and yes I have video tape!

I mean, that’s how uninspiring this babe is… And he’s sporting her like he’s got Jessica Biel on his arm. Terrible, awful. You pick which one looks like a credible NFL ‘wag’ (wives and girlfriends).

Need I say more? Now what Brady really needs to do is go holler at Kimmy Kardashian… sheeyut, worked for Reggie Bush, Ray J, Lake Arlington, and Nick Cannon. Look at how successful all those guys are. The boy Brady just aint right in the head.

3. Bad coaching: I’ll say it first, Charlie Weiss is overrated. Period.

Honestly, what has this cat ever done and who has he done it with? His teams are hot against Navy, Army, Air Force and Duke (awww).. But what happens when the OSUs show up? How about LSU? They get murdered!!! I know, I know, “he didn’t have the players…” riiight. So Weiss gets credit for winning with the last guy’s recruits such that he gets that contract extension, but when his squads fail to answer the bell in big games, the losses can be explained by a lack of talent. Wait while we unzip….

Charlie was brought in to bring in big time talent, only, big time talent isn’t coming to Notre Dame like they thought it would. They’re still going to LSU, USC, the Florida Schools, Texas and Michigan. Sure they got Jimmy Clausen, but ND has always gotten QBs, it’s all the other positions that they have a hard time filing. Charlie is not hot. After ONE season at ND he wrote a book about how good he is. One year after he got gastric bypass surgery he was back, big as a McMansion sittin on dubbs. Weiss thinks too much of himself and he’s passed that false confidence on to Brady Quinn.

Romeo Cronell and company passed on Mr. Quinn with the early picks for a reason. He’s not that hot. He’s a park tanner impersonating a big time NFL quarterback. Dude hasn’t won squat. Has yet to show up in a big game. Has a man for a sister and a low rent chick for his claimed lady. In fact, Brady might still be sitting in NY waiting for his name to be called.

No love.

Thick white woman alert: Kimmy Kardashian

June 6, 2007

“Her mama got ass too” – Smokey, Friday

We won awards for our insightful piece on this rise of the thick white woman in popular culture. Well now it’s Kim Kardashian’s turn to join the club and in case you think it’s a fluke please look here. It’s pretty crazy when you think that all of a sudden around 1998ish, thick thighs and arses draped in ivory started appearing in major cities all across America where they previously had not been. There were several schools of thought to explain this phenomenon:

1. Original intent: Or the concept that the asses have always been there, thick, yes, but HIDDEN in shame (Jessica Biel talks about this here) because they weren’t really appreciated pre JLo (an honorary Caucasian) and Britney, the charter member of the super thick, “is that what I think it is” club.

2. Work it out: The rise of the fitness gym generally and weight training specifically has to account for the nurture side of the equation. Everyone knows that if you build it (or even sculpt it), they will come. And anyone who knows anything knows that the college aged white women reaaaally began to hit that gym around 1994 and it had an impact! Slim in the waist, thick in the thigh (or as some called it soccer leg) was the precursor to the full on thick white woman. Brothers stood up and took notice immediately, but they had no idea it would spawn certified bangers like Biel, Spears and to a lesser extent, Alba in the process. No one could ever dream that big, but let’s be clear these squats and lunges have had their effect.

3. The Mark McGuire Effect: It’s not that babes were actually injecting blackness directly into their arses, though, some were doing that in a sense. Nope, the truth of the matter is that the whole nation is on ‘Roids passed on to us via the food we eat. Diesel ass chickens, skrong ass cattle and buff salmon (yeah, I said it) have made their way from the feed, to the plate and into the ass. Say it aint true.

4. Throw some Ds on that sh*t: Or also known as the Coco effect. This is the rumored, but not totally verified as a widespread practice of puttin that thang on Dubbs with an ass implant. Probably the best example of this, at least in terms of rumors, is Coco, Ice T’s wife.

Take your pick, but they probably all have merit. Still, it’s happened, we know that!!! I mean, the day when you can see a chick with dark hair from the back, look down at the gluteus maximus and KNOW it was a black woman is gone!

We’ve all done it. You see her waiting at that crosswalk, pushing the button..

You say, “daaaaaamn” and quicken your pace to get a proper look. Sure enough she looks sideways for no damn reason (they always do, they just like a swanging that hair) and you see it’s a descendant of the Aryan Brotherhood. What do you do? Of course, you IMMEDIATELY call your boy to inform him of yet another sighting of a white rhino in her own habitat.. Invariably he asks if you saw the other critical points of her frame and you say, “I couldn’t really get in there to see”… Awwwwww.. This same scenario happened to me no less than 5 times last month and if you go to a large fitness gym with any regularity change that to 10 times a month minimum.