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It’s not like we didn’t expect this to happen, but the born again beer drankin’, tobaccy chewin’, tractor drivin’, muskrat and raccoon broilin’ man errr wo-man of the people New Day HillBilly C won in West Virginia by HUGE margins today.

It’s funny how some of these pundits are characterizing Obama’s loss in West Virginia as a “weakness”. Right, like a black dude was ever going to get that ignant hick vote anyway. If by “highlighting his weakness” they mean remaining African American, then yes, the loss in West Virginia highlights a weakness he shares with roughly 15% of the American population. Thanks for that information.

It’s a nice win for HillBilly C and yet another hilarious step in her full transformation from out of touch “elite” of Wellesley College and Yale Law School to a dumbed down “Hil-ry” the barely literate cable gal.

Yeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaw! Winning states that matter not iz soooo fun. Git er dun. Oh and you know I just couldn’t resist hooking up the sole best feature of West Virginia. Dasrite (ha) “Country Roads Take Me Home” the West Va. anthem must run now.

It really is a great song though. “Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye” indeed.

- Lake

I’m not sure why, but I was just sitting around wondering what’s up with good ole Miss Teen South Cack the other day. You remember her, Miss “US Americans”, “The Iraq” and all the rest of the foolishness which proves without a shadow of a doubt exactly how George Bush got reelected.

Anyway, I did some research and found out that the former “honors student” is modeling full-time for Donald Trump now. I know, shocker.

Damn, she’s looking a bit busty there. I don’t remember her bringing that kind of power before. Let’s look back.

Damn, maybe she always did have those tools. Dude, in all this controversy, I forgot about how hot this chick really is. I mean, look at this little pic I unearthed of the broad.

Awww, now see. She’s talking my language right here. Don’t let me dip down to NYC and to show this chick a few things.

That is, if Roger Clemens hasn’t hit already. Anyway, it’s a damn shame that the only time this babe looked somewhat average was when she had that perplexed look on her face after she attempted to answer that basic ass question from A.C. Slater.

Yeah, “face smiled, mouth shut, that’s the way we like her, what?” Just keep it pretty like Lake baby.

- Lake

I mean, I don’t consume ANY of Tyler Perry’s media. I’ve never been interested in Madea’s European Vacation or whatever wacky scenario Perry has her in now and I’ve never watched Tyler Perry’s House of Payne. I have, however, seen him on those TNT commercials for the show while I’ve been watching the NBA Playoffs. Anyway, that’s when I started noticing it. It’s just the way he’s looking at me. I mean, I can just feel it, then he speaks and it’s all wrong….

And then the commercial comes on like 5 times each game, so there’s no escaping it. No, Tyler will not be ignored. It’s pretty crazy. And call me what you like, but the fact that homey is known for impersonating a large woman in drag, duddent help matters either.

SMH. Snow see that jaw piece is waaay too skrong and that smile is a liiiil bit too comfortable.

Don’t ask me why, it’s just never been my thing, never liked it. I didn’t think Wanda with Jaime Foxx was funny. I didn’t much care for Sheneneh with Martin. I mean, I just don’t like that shit. It just aint right, at least not for me. And bottom line, something in this boy’s eye lets me know that he aint right, either.

See what I’m saying? The boy aint right in the EYE!!! My understanding, thanks to some ladies I know with gay guy friends, is that dude has “Gay Face”. What is Gay Face?

That is Gay Face.

That is Gay Face. And oddly enough, oh yes:

Datz GAY FACE(s) too!!!!!!!!!

Well, you know what it is. It’s just that little something about a dude’s face, expression, I don’t know… something that let’s you know that he may be driving off from the ladies tees, swanging from the other side of the plate or helping his boys over the fence.

And taking into account his Gay Face, then reading my man’s wikipedia profile, I’m not so sure which squad homey is on. First off, they talk about his “daddy issues”, which by itself isn’t a big deal, but we know what that could mean and yes “abuse” was discussed. Then they talk about how homey has been suspected of being gay for a minute and that he had been relatively “mummm” about the topic. Ok. THEN homey came out with the oh so classic “I’m heterosexual because I’m a Christian” rhetoric. Oh, is how it works?

At any rate, I asked my good friend Chris Rock what he thought about Tyler Perry’s masculinity and this is what he had to say:

Right, he’s not sure either.

- Lake

I know I’m crazy late but I would be completely remiss if I didn’t comment on Jenna Bush’s wedding (shouts to Will) over the weekend. Now I can’t lie, typically my reaction to those aesthetically unappealing Bush babes looks something like this:

Though I do find that look in Babs’ eye somewhat appealing in this pic. But even I must say, after that wedding day diet plan, Jenna looked her best on Saturday.

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So lovely. And look, she even took a picture in front of the tree her ancestors hung their naughty slaves from. How quaint. I don’t know, just seeing my little Jenna like this almost brings a tear to my eye. I remember her back in such a more simpler time.

Nah, I’m not talking about that. I’m was thinking of this:

“Babs, I think I just pissed myself, again….Haaaaa”

Ah yes, All American gals. It kind of makes you wonder, what with those TWO CRIMINAL MISDEMEANORS Jenna has on her record and all, whether she didn’t get caught snorting cocaine just like her dad back in the day.

Oh well. We’ll put that all behind us, right? I mean, how bad can a coke head President be for the country anyhow? Anyway, none of that matters now because we can all take heart in the fact that Jenna and Henry Hagar love each other for all the right reasons.

I’ll give them 9 years (and two kids) until it goes bad. After all, you’ve got to keep up appearances.

- Lake

Lake is the resident expert on sex tapes here at UvT, but I couldn’t let this one go. First there was the Gene Simmons, then there was Jimi Hendrix, then there was the hope that Barbara Walters didn’t have a sex tape…now this. Some big time hardcore freak memorabilia collector named Keya Morgan just bought the only copy of a Marilyn Monroe sextape for $1.5 Million dollars.

Damn. Marilyn might have been working with something there. You can tell by that tippy toe shes rocking over there on the left. So the tape shows Marilyn with some unknown man busting out 15 minutes of old school 1950’s head.

Known freak and psycho J. Edgar Hoover supposedly “reviewed” the tape for two weeks straight trying to discover who the man in the tape was. Hoover wanted to prove that JFK got down with the original version of Bill Clinton’s banana..uhhhhh…cigar in the tailpipe.

Come on now. You know President JFK was too smooth to get head on camera. Billy Clint didn’t even go that far. Supposedly, Joe Dimaggio tried to buy the tape back in the day for $25,000 just to destroy it.

You know Joe got him some too though…

Here’s my question. Who was making sex tapes back in the 1950’s. Do you know how hard it must have been to get that thing set up so it could be taped? Seriously, look at this thing.

Where do you set this thing up? I thought the cameras of the mid 90’s were tough to set up for the secret video tapes, and that was with a pretty small handheld camera and mini tapes. You have to set up a reel of film and plug this thing in with that brrrrrrrbbbbbbbbbbb-fap-fap-fap sound slapping around in the background. Then where do you watch it?

Well whoever it was, they got one of the biggest bombshells in American History giving a 15 minute bj on video tape? That’s pimpin’ right there. Doesn’t this just guarantee that there is a Lindsay Lohan, a Britney Spears, Alyssa Milano, and every body damn else sex tape out there? Will it still be interesting in 2048?

-Brock

Mayne, somebody needs to tell Suge Knight that this aint back in the day when he and Pac used to run through the streets, straight “ballin on these marks” with the Boss Players screaming Weessiiieede. Nah, his hard days are pretty much behind him and quite frankly, it shows. Look at homey laid the fuck out after a fight with some “fools” at the club in LA.

I mean, hot dammit. Look at that cat just laid the fuck out like that. Whoooo wee. You can only imagine what this fool looked like only 90 seconds before this whole thing went down too.

Then you know he was like, “what, bitch, do you know who I am?!?!” Next thing you know he was like:

“There’s no place like home… There’s no place like home..”

Lol. Stay in your lane, playa. Thug life for the young.

- Lake

Well, it aint like Lakey F. Baby didn’t tell yall that Parv was going to win the million dollars…She did.

Anyway, congratulations to Parvati. She was definitely a better choice to win the game over Amanda. Honestly, aside from looking hot in her various outfits that were designed to show off that ridiculously rocking body, I don’t really get how Amanda could have thought she’d win again Parv. I mean, what did she really have? You had doe eyes Amanda:

Tight shirt, “my stomach is ridiculously tight” Amanda:

And “I fucked Ozzy (for real though) out in the dirt and next to some rats” Amanda:

And speaking of Ozzy, why did he go out like such a punk with that “you gave up my friendship for a million dollars” speech to Parvati. Wait, everybody is there for the dough, but you expect Parv to feel guilty because your cat ass just wanted her to keep you around so that you could take her out of the game? Is that how is goes? And with regards to this giving up your friendship for money foolishness, I think the only answer to that is HELL YES. Who wouldn’t give up your random ass friendship for cash. It’s not like she needs you to get coconuts and fish back in LA. SHE’LL HAVE MONEY TO DO THAT!!!

And Oz, all that rhetoric about falling in love with Amanda on National TV. Dog, are you serious? Come on homey, you played yourself. Can’t you smell a showmance when you see one? Plus Amanda is the most insincere chick in Survivor history. All those fake tears, doe eyes and bullshit was for the cameras son. She’s a pageant chick!

(Damn, does she ever look skrong in that bikini shot though)

Again, once Amanda gets to a place where they have restaurants, refrigerators and charge cards, Ozzy will cease to be relevant. I mean, just be glad that you were able to hit and move on. Damn, pull your skirt up son.

Lastly, for all the talk about Parvati finally playing a strategic game rather than being flirtatious, leave it to Parv to win based on flirting with some femi-nazi lesbian chicks.

I mean, the so called “black widow” Natalie was waaaaaaay off the board with that question to Parvati about her flirtatiousness in the game and how that translated to her sexual habits in the bedroom!

I mean, that was crazy. And no, neither Jeff Probst nor James got it when she dropped that random ass “question” about Parvati’s sex life and alleged flirtation with her terrible ass.

Lol. I mean, what was that about? I guess those little looks from Parv got ole Nat’s jungle juices flowing out there.

I can’t lie, Lesbian or not (and I’m not sure she even is) that Nat did have her moments with that extra aerobicized body. Though, I can’t support those balloons she calls breast. Them joints are faker than a three dollar bill. Still, that comment about how she thought Parv was flirting with her was unexpected and more than appreciated. Sadly, it came with all the manhater rhetoric, which I often enjoy actually, just not when there aren’t any dudes around. lol.

All in all it was a good season. Fine ass Parvati won.

Is it just me or does she actually look better out in the wild?

Definitely better natures way.

Moving on, Amanda’s fake doe eyed bullshit got her played again (she also lost in Survivor China) and we had some solid girl on girl, man hating subplots to keep it all interesting. As always a great show.

- Lake

HIllary.  Stop, please just stop.  Fine, you’re tough.  You are going hard.  I know, there isn’t a nominee yet, so the game isn’t over.  The problem is, you are just making yourself look crazy, desperate, and the people around you are starting to look like complete fools.  First, you were just going to steal the Super Delegates by cashing in all of Bill’s chips.  Then you want to count Michigan and Florida, one state where you were the only person on the ballot, and another state where people were told votes don’t count before the election.  First you were down with delegates, then the super delegates, then big states, then some imaginary delegate count that your people made up.  The funny thing is, whenever you make up a new standard, Barack ends up beating it. This weekend I heard you try to say how important West Virginia is in the election.  “No president has been elected since 1920 without winning West Virginia.”  Sure, that could mean that it is an important state, orrrrrrrrr, it could mean that WV goes which ever way the wind blows and doesn’t mater at all.

So HIllary, remember the last person who couldn’t drop out of the race?

Right.  Remember how stupid he looked?

The worst part is, now HIllary is just saying stupid shit.

On Friday, she said her base was “working, hard-working Americans, white Americans”.  What?  Hillary, let me tell you how the English language works.  When you speak in phrases like that, it means you are redefining the previous phrase.  So that means that “hard-working Americans” and “white Americans” are synonymous.  Which is to the exclusion of everyone else.  Which is also code for “You know Barack is Black, right”?  Even old school Clinton devotee Charlie Rangel had to say, “That is one of the dumbest things she could have said”.

HIllary, you are always talking about how tough you are.  You’ve wanted to show that you can play as hard as the guys.  You want to show you can fight and scrap with anyone from Chris Dodd to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  Well it is time for you to Man Up!

That means to step down while you’ve still got some dignity.  It is like a UFC match, Barack has you in a tight arm lock.  You don’t need to get your arm broken to prove you are tough.  There is dignity in saying you’ve been beaten by the better competitor.

Man Up…and please do it soon.

-Brock

Lake dropped a hot line on LeBron in the post below in reference to his Chosen 1 tattoo.

“If you can walk on water, why can’t you hit a damn jumper”.

That shit is hilarious. He just earned me letting him walk around with that ridiculous fur coat for at least another week.

-Brock

I was out late last night taking in the DJing skill of Questlove, so I missed my standard Thursday night line-up of Maury Povich (lol), Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites and Lost. So I just now got to see this fool Erik get talked into giving up his individual immunity necklace for no damn reason, only to get immediately VOTED OUT of the game and di-rect-itally into the smack down hotel.

Yo, it was just unbelievable. Never in your life have you seen the intersection of such a nice, naive/trusting and STUPID person than this dude. I mean, watching this guy let’s me know exactly how George W. Bush got re-elected. We live in a Nation Full of Eriks!!! What an idiot. The only thing that matters in Survivor is NOT getting voted off. This cat Erik has been winning challenge after challenge. The women who were left on the Island told him, point blank, that they wanted him gone. Worse, this season has been particularly replete with all kinds of underhanded back stabbing surprises. So why in the HELL would this fool allow himself to get talked into giving up hard fought Immunity? I mean, if you’ve EVER seen this show, just peep how this cat gets worked over. You don’t have to know anything else BUT that he’s got Immunity, this other broad doesn’t and he’s by far the biggest physical threat left in the game.

I mean, that is just CLASSIC. What an asshole. And he’s a fan of the show too!!! Like, how can you not know that a bunch of chicks would want YOU, a dude who continues to whoop ass in challenges, out of the game? I hate to say it, but with stupidity like that, you got what you deserved.

Enjoy that budding Ice Cream Scooper career (no lie), NOT winning the Million Dollars and being known as one of the biggest dumb asses in Survivor, Reality TV and World history.. Damn. By the way, the Finale is on Sunday and I definitely will be watching. I’ve got to go ahead and put my money on Parvati to cut down the nets.

Oh yes, Parv is the best.

- Lake