Heidi Montag is on the cover of Maxim

It’s been a while since we showcased a throwback white woman on these pages, so we figured The Hills of Heidi Montage would be a good start.

Natural looking blond hair with the perfect highlights, check. Semi-slutty, “I was givin some head” skimpy lingerie, check. Dark and mysterious eye shadow, check. Enhanced cans, chiizeck. Super smooth “I rarely eat but definitely hit that gym and all the designer gear is made for me” stomach piece, check. Hey, when you’re dealing with any of these Hills chicks your knee jerk reaction is to hate. Well, I guess I’m kind of hatin’ a little bit, but overall, I’m not mad at this picture. Heidi is who we thought she was, that original white woman that will never completely go out of style.

Is that her hair? Probably not. Are those her breasts?

Hells no. Does she give you the new day, thick white woman tailpiece?

Nah. Shoot, I was shocked that she had this much. I’m a bit dubious. This might be where the airbrush of god snuck in there and added a little under arch. Regardless, she’s the original chick and it’s like my boy Jurgens told me, “I don’t care about ass, I don’t use the ass. So it doesn’t matter to me if she’s got one.” Amen brother. I hear that and can’t hate on it. It’s honest, undoubtedly true and the precise reason why Heidi will never go out of style. Still, that pelvis on bone love can’t be too hot. I guess it’s just all in the game and part of the landscape. In the end, we haven’t learned anything new about Ms. Montage or that terrible show.

I actually prefer these paparazzi pictures of Heidi in her element to these posed and airbrushed joints. One thing we know for sure, she really is that skinny. Can’t lie, that stomach piece is right.
- Lake

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Tags: Maxim